Screw that DAMN monkey in the Lion King that said "Change is good..." Since when is change ever good? Change is change...it makes everything that we know and have grown familiar with different. It starts even when you are little and young, oblivious to the things around you. I was only 4 when my parents got their divorce. I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was that I didn't see my dad as much, and I grown attached to this other father figure that my mom introduced me to. He would soon become my step-father. I didn't really think much of it, but it turns out that it screwed me up more than I knew. I remember back in the day in Kindergarden. There was a girl named Joy. Everyday I would push her on the swings, and we would always be around eachother. Ahhh...young puppy love...she even considered me her boyfriend. But change caused her to move and then I never saw her again...*sniff sniff* Fast Forward many years after, and now we are a part of the alumni of South El Monte High School, all moving in our seperate ways...seperate colleges. We said that we would still keep in touch, but what happens when you don't feel like keeping in touch with your friends? Lately I feel like isolating myself. Away from the world, which is easy to do, and away from my family, kinda hard to do when you still live with them.
I'm in a no win situation. I cannot isolate myself. If I want to get away from my family, I have to spend the night at a friend's house. If I want to get away from everyone else, I have to stay with my family. I can't wait until I can get my own apartment, or at least dorm at Fullerton next year. Change affects everything. It was much better back in the day. Pre-girlfriends, pre-driver license, pre-college. Now I am hanging around with my friends...and their girlfriends. That just makes me feel like a 3rd, 5th, 7th, or 9th wheel(depending on how many of my friends are coupled up when we go out. And they say that "it doesn't matter," but in my mind it does. And I am not looking for anything to happen and all of a sudden I have a girlfriend to take out with my friends and everything. Everything just seems so futile. I just feel like I don't fit in with my friends anymore.
Which brings me to my biological father. The divorce affected me more than I realized. I thought everything was fine, but it is really weird whenever I see like a father-son moment on a TV show and it hits me hard. I don't know why. I guess it is because I never had the father-son relationship that those TV families have. It's the ideal family. My mom speaks to me as if I am still 8 years old and she explains everything to me step by step even though I all ready know what she is talking about. I get yelled at for the things that my brothers do. One year ago I learned the truth regarding my biodad(this seems to fit him. It sounds like he is a science project. Only an experiment could show less compassion). It turns out that he used to chase my mother down with a knife, threatening to kill her. And the most devastaing news was that when we used to spend a weekend with biodad, (Disneyland, quality time with a man that we never knew) it turned out that my mother had to give him the money just to take us out. Last I heard about biodad was thet he was in jail, and that he got deported. Frankly I do not care.
I think my mom is an alcoholic. She seems to always drink her problems away, and she always has one of her suicidal, jealous moods when she does get drunk. She always accuses my step-father of having an affair. The thing is, I think he is having an affair. And after she is done accusing him of cheating, she then starts saying that she isn't good enough and starts banging her head agaisnt the walls and throwing whatever she can get her hands upon. What makes this situation even more screwed up is that my mom and dad act like everything is all right and that they are a lovey dovey couple, but then in a few weeks or a month or so, they repeat the argument process and that just pisses me off, but of course I don't say anything and this affects me when I go to school or go out and everything.
I'm in a no win situation. I cannot isolate myself. If I want to get away from my family, I have to spend the night at a friend's house. If I want to get away from everyone else, I have to stay with my family. I can't wait until I can get my own apartment, or at least dorm at Fullerton next year. Change affects everything. It was much better back in the day. Pre-girlfriends, pre-driver license, pre-college. Now I am hanging around with my friends...and their girlfriends. That just makes me feel like a 3rd, 5th, 7th, or 9th wheel(depending on how many of my friends are coupled up when we go out. And they say that "it doesn't matter," but in my mind it does. And I am not looking for anything to happen and all of a sudden I have a girlfriend to take out with my friends and everything. Everything just seems so futile. I just feel like I don't fit in with my friends anymore.
Which brings me to my biological father. The divorce affected me more than I realized. I thought everything was fine, but it is really weird whenever I see like a father-son moment on a TV show and it hits me hard. I don't know why. I guess it is because I never had the father-son relationship that those TV families have. It's the ideal family. My mom speaks to me as if I am still 8 years old and she explains everything to me step by step even though I all ready know what she is talking about. I get yelled at for the things that my brothers do. One year ago I learned the truth regarding my biodad(this seems to fit him. It sounds like he is a science project. Only an experiment could show less compassion). It turns out that he used to chase my mother down with a knife, threatening to kill her. And the most devastaing news was that when we used to spend a weekend with biodad, (Disneyland, quality time with a man that we never knew) it turned out that my mother had to give him the money just to take us out. Last I heard about biodad was thet he was in jail, and that he got deported. Frankly I do not care.
I think my mom is an alcoholic. She seems to always drink her problems away, and she always has one of her suicidal, jealous moods when she does get drunk. She always accuses my step-father of having an affair. The thing is, I think he is having an affair. And after she is done accusing him of cheating, she then starts saying that she isn't good enough and starts banging her head agaisnt the walls and throwing whatever she can get her hands upon. What makes this situation even more screwed up is that my mom and dad act like everything is all right and that they are a lovey dovey couple, but then in a few weeks or a month or so, they repeat the argument process and that just pisses me off, but of course I don't say anything and this affects me when I go to school or go out and everything.
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