This Is My Reason

I interned at a non-profit organization last spring 2009 at a place in Orange County. It is called OCAPICA or the Orange County Asian and Pacific Islander Community Alliance. I helped out with Youth Programs and did most of my work with the afterschool tutoring program and with the male leadership building group.

Due to lack of funding, the male and female leadership groups were postponed. I've met a lot of great youth while I was an intern there and would have liked something like this in my life while in high school. After my internship was over, I never forgot about those students. After a few months of job hunting and not getting any offers, I felt depressed and needed to do something, so I drove back out to the OC and volunteered my time as an Academic Tutor to the afterschool program.

I gave them a lot of my time and did my best to make it fun for them at the program. I knew most of the youth from my time last year and had to work to develop relationships with the newer students, but eventually I got there. My family and friends were wondering why I spent my time there...working for free when I could be spending my time looking for a job. One of my friends even offered me a job as a receptionist that later could advance to payroll or something when they had time. I refused because I had just started volunteering and I'd rather have a volunteer experience where I could build up experience related to what I want to do than to have a job not working on experience for my future career.

I was happy doing what I was doing, even if it was for free and I would not have seen myself happy working at that place even though it would be with friends. Something happened, one of the coordinators was leaving and she and others vouched for me and I was offered a job at my non-profit organization. I was only there on a two month contract, but it was a part time job, nonetheless.

I worked so hard and did everything I could for the students at the program and the last two months were filled with so many events to get ready for. I was only there working at most 20 hours a week. I worked three days, but that was not enough time to get everything planned and ready. Plus 3-4 hours I was there each day went to helping out and running the after school program, so there would be no planning then. I went through so much stress along with my co-worker, but somehow we managed everything.

End of the year events, graduations, silent auctions, stuff for the program, and most recently a Youth Retreat that helps the Seniors transition from high school to college. Did I do a lot more work than I had to? Yes. And for what? A paycheck? Experience? Sure. All that means nothing. Because this is what it was all about. This is why I went through everything...

Dear Johnson,

You're a meanie. Just kidding! But you are. But I love it. Haha. I feel like I barely know you, but that is okay because we're like homies still, right? Anyway, thank you so much for being there and saying, "Hello" when I came in...Also, I would like to thank you for helping me with the printer whenever I needed it. You don't even know how important that was. I also want to thank you for those cooking workshops...Thank you so much for all the memories.

Hey Johnson,

First of all, I just want to say those were the best hot dogs I have ever had. lol. Thanks for the food Johnson. You would make a great chef one of these days. Well, just wanted to thank you for making the retreat one of the best experiences I have ever had. I'm pretty sure everyone that attended the retreat also had a great time. You're probably one of the funniest guys I have ever met. You made all of our games so fun and you made sure you kept everyone not only smiling bur laughing their butt off. Thanks for also sharing your experience in college with us. I'm sure that would help everyone out knowing that college is right around the corner. Thank you so much Johnson. You are a great person and keep doing what you are doing.

Well, I just wanted to thank OCAPICA for the retreat. It was great. I had the best time ever. This retreat helped me prepare myself for the next step of my life, which I was really scared for. I didn't even know how I was going to get through all this college stuff because I knew nothing about college other than it is going to be way different from high school. There is more to college than just parties, guys (lol), and the classes that we need to take. I came to the retreat scared, but I left so excited and ready for college. I wanted to thank you for including me into this great retreat because if it wasn't for this, I would be sitting at home so lost. I would probably start school late, or maybe even undecided if I wanted to attend college or not. So THANK YOU so much for that!

Depressed

I have accomplished a lot in my life since the last time I posted an entry on here. I have changed in a lot of ways and tend to be an optimist in my life. I choose to see the glass as half full, rather than half empty. I finally graduated from college and got my Bachelor degree. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years 3 months with no arguments or fights. We do have minor disagreements, but nothing too serious. I have great friends in my life who I know would take a bullet for me. So why on the last day of the year do I feel so depressed?

I have always had a bad sleeping schedule. I sleep late, and wake up early. This was usually due to the fact that I had some sort of homework or essay to do and procrastinated until the very last minute to complete it, and I had an early class the next morning. Sometimes I would stay up all night and then not get any sleep while going to class, but now I am free from school right now, yet my sleep schedule has gotten worse. I have never stayed up so late for so many consecutive days. I have not slept yet as I am typing this up. Why am I so depressed? I don't know. I cannot pinpoint it, but I do know that it is because of my depression that my sleep is being affected by it.

I have been on unemployment since the beginning of January. It almost has been a year since I have been on unemployment. At first, it was the best thing ever! Get paid to "look for jobs!" If you don't find one, you still have a source of income coming in to get the bills paid. My friend told me he was depressed that he was receiving EDD. I questioned him, "WHY?!?!" I have been receiving it for the past 4-5 months when he started receiving it, and he was sick of it already? And then it started hitting me. I was barely getting by on EDD. This wasn't the life I wanted. It was convenient for me to receive EDD while I was still in school, but now that I was done with it and graduated, real life was the next step, but with this down economy, finding a job is hard. I been looking and applied for jobs that I was not even qualified for. What was a Psych major going to do at a job in a bank or a credit union? I had interviews. I applied for a job at the place where I interned for a class. I did not get it. I was considered for a job at a bank being a teller...I was not accepted to work there. I applied to be a host at a restaurant, and despite my optimism and great customer service, I am still unemployed.

What the hell? I know I cannot be that bad of a worker, why won't anyone give me a chance? And with the rejections, my self-esteem began to lower. I have experience, I have skills...I have a freaking degree! But I am not even getting jobs that do not even require one. I apply to places and do not get called back for whatever reason. "You need more experience." Well then give me some and hire me! I am not so desperate to apply to fast food places or to some minimum wage job. Who knows what will happen if I get rejected working there? But in my situation, I am getting there. Being on unemployment, not finding a job, getting rejected from jobs I applied to, seeing friends going out all the time and having a good time living life and not being able to do the same. Seeing friends pitch in to get gifts for each other and having them assume that I helped pitch in hurts. I am unable to attend events, like going to a New Year's Eve event at a club or going to Vegas because I am broke. My friends are going to Vegas to celebrate all the January birthdays and I cannot go cuz I do not have money to pay for the rooms and have no spending money whatsoever even if I get to stay for free. Not being able to go out on dates with my girlfriend, and being able to buy her useless, sweet things. Not even being able to buy her useful things. It isn't about the money, but more about my self-worth. My self-worth as a member of society. My self-worth as a boyfriend. My self-worth as a freaking human being. What I see is that I am worth nothing. And it pisses me off. I know I am worth something, but if this keeps going on, I am going to start believing it. I need a reason to go to sleep. I need a reason to wake up because I feel one day I won't.

FUCK

can't put my finger on it, but something has been bothering me as of late. my life is going well. I have great friends, sweet g/f, and family life isn't as bad. I got a job that gets me paid, I got my tax return check...david graduated and i am a year away from graduating as well, hopefully. Gonna celebrate Candy's birthday soon...

yet i can't help but to feel a breakdown occurring. i feel so emotionless at times when I should feel some emotion and emotional when there is no freaking reason to feel emotional. This semester in school was much harder to finish than any other semester. And I only had 3 classes this semester. The work was not that hard, but I just did not care to do it. I was doing well in classes too, but then I just gave up. Now instead of just having my internship next semester like i had planned, i now have to take another elective..not to mention messing up my G.P.A this semester.

i don't like to blame anything or anyone else for my failures except myself. and it is my own fault...but there is something more that is bother me this year than in years past. one thing i can pinpoint my lack of caring this year is that it has been 5 years since Roy passed. 2008 marked the 5 year mark since he was taken away from us...and for the first time, being wrapped up in my own life, school, or whatever, I forgot to visit Roy on March 14th. I remembered prior to the date, like on March 4th, I remember thinking "10 more days....and then I will visit you..." and when the day actually came...I did not even remember to visit. I did not even remember anything. It was as if he didn't exist. I realilzed after that I had forgotten. And his birthday just passed on the 16th. David asked me if I had anything planned after work on Friday. I said no. He didn't exactly say "let's go visit Roy at Rose Hills" but I knew that was what he was implying. So when he called at 5pm on Friday, May 16th, asking when I was going to get off work, i told him i dunno, even though i was off at 5. Then stopped talking and then hung up on him. And instead of driving to Rose Hills, I decided to wash the car and watch the Laker game because that was "more improtant." And when JT and Nina came down from Vegas, and asked if I went to visit Roy, I completely avoided the question.

I am a horrible person and don't know why I cannot deal with this 5 years later. And why 5 years later I let it affect me like it did back when it first happened. I guess it is cuz I never got help for this...Never talked about it...just held it in. Maybe it is because I feel guilty living this good life...when I still feel it is my fault and he should be here living a great life. For some reason on this 5th year, i am unable to face him. I still haven't visited him yet...Can someone still be affected by a friend's death 5 years later after it happened? FUCK...

I Wish I Had Taken More Pictures

On March 19, 2008, my dog Penny, of +/- 13 years finally passed away. She was a black Chow Chow mix, but she looked like a full breed. She was not my most favoritest dog, that was Buffy, a brown full bred Chow Chow, but she was the dog that our family owned the longest. She was however part of the family and she was a great dog to own.

I still remember her as a little puppy. My uncle bought her, but was unable to raise her, and my mom decided to raise her. My dad loved Chow Chows and by that time, we had a Lucky, a shepard mix, and Buffy, another Chow. We took her in and I still remember her being an energetic black puffball. I remember her as a puppy and how she scared one of my brother's friend who was afraid of dogs and whacked her with a trophy. She was all right, Penny was...but I don't know about my brother's friend, haha. And she grew and grew. I can't beleive that so much time has passed from when she was a little puppy til now. And I know that I have taken the time for granted.

She was the only female dog we owned, and she outlived, Lucky and Buffy. She outlasted a stray dog we took in that we named Toney. She stayed as my mother gave away Peanut, a chow mix that I bought, to a family friend to guard his work place after he got robbed. And she was around when we brought in Yoyo aka Fei Fei/Fat Fat. And she was the last dog in our household. And through all of that, she never put out for any of those male dogs. Haha. Penny was a virgin dog. She never had puppies because she would never put out. When any of the male dogs would try to mount her, she would sit down. This resulted in Buffy, Peanut, and Yoyo to bark at her, throughout the night to dismay of my neighbors, and eventually until Buffy, Peanut, and Yoyo lost their bark.

She was a great dog. Always on her guard. When she did not recognize anyone, she would bark like a good girl. She was a bit sexist, not barking at girls more than guys. And even as her health deteriorated, she was still a great watch dog. She hated water, so eventually we stopped bathing her, because she started to bite when we would wash her. It was her way, but I eventually used her hate of water to kick her out of the house when she was stubborn and wanted to stay inside the house. And although her fur shedded in balls of fur inside the house, she was our indoor dog.
Her eye was the first thing to go and was blind in one eye. Something about their scrunched eyes and the eyelash would scratch their eyeball. And then as she got older, her joints affected her and her hind legs began to give out. Her hearing was not as good as it used to be, but her sense of smell was still great. Even when getting up was a stuggle for her, she'd still bark, whether she was sitting in front of the door or in the hallway at people she did not recognize. If she recognized you though, she was a loving dog.

She was not able to walk on Tuesday, March 18th. I came home and saw her sitting in the hallway. I went to my room, and came out a few hours later and she was still there in the same position. And when I went to watch tv and go to sleep, she was there. I hand fed her water and fed her before I went to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning to go to work she was in the same spot, but this time she was lieing on her side, unable to lift up her head. I pet her and went to work. I came home to get ready for school and this time she was not in the hallway anymore, fearing for the worst or hoping that she was able to walk, I went to the backyard and saw that someone moved her, probably my mom. She was still lieing on her side, breathing heavily. And I brought some water for her. The only way for me to feed it to her was for me to pour some on the side of her mouth and then she would drink some, and then lick it off the floor. I had to go get ready for school and left. When I got home, I saw her and tried to give her some water for her to drink, but this time she refused. I tried to give her some kibbles but she would not open her mouth. She was breathing very hard. I went out to eat and when I got returned, my brother tells me, "Penny died."

"She stopped breathing?" I asked. And he said simply, "yes." That was all he needed to say. I went out to the backyard to see her and there she was...lieing there. In the same position she was in, this time no body going up and down, showing signs of breath. Her mouth was slightly opened, and she was there lifeless. Lieing next to her was the water bowl that I had used to drip water into her mouth, and two pieces of dog kibble that I tried to feed her, now a little bigger than mornal having absorbed the water on the floor.

Thirteen years with her in the home give or take. And now I am here on the computer typing this out and wishing I had taken more pictures of her. I wish I had pictures of when she was a puppy to post on here, pictures of her as she grew older and older chronologicalizing her life. I wish I had pictures where she accidentally jumped into the camera shot...but I don't have any of that. I don't even have a picture of her in her later years. I wish I taken more pictures. I wish I knew when we brought her in, I wish I kept track of it. Now I am left with memories, which are still good, until I cannot remember them as I get older. And now it is weird, coming home to not hear her barking at me if she did not recognize me. Coming home and not seeing her taking up the majority of the doorway. Walking out of my room and not seeing her sleeping or lieing down right outside my room door, and sometimes tripping over her in the middle of the night because she was black dog who blended in with the darkness. Miss you, girl...hope we gave you everything you needed and hope you enjoyed our company, because I already miss yours.

PENNY
Rest In Peace girl
b.199? - d. March 19, 2008 (far too soon)

heartless

one of my brothers' friends recently passed away. no details about it, but from what i heard he went to together as one for new years and i guess ate a bad pill of e. he went to the hospital but never recovered. what a way to start the new year. he was a good guy. i did not know him that well, he used to come over my house a lot back in the day. from what i heard he was getting his life straight and doing well and something like this happens. what sucks is that he is leaving behind three children and a wife or girlfriend who i was aquainted with like him. its a pretty messed up story and honestly i feel sad and bad that it happened.

however, this guy is not even related to me, he was just one of my brothers' friend. and this might sound messed up but it gets me to think about my family and my brother. i have a two brothers, one step brother and one biological brother. my biological brother is kind of messed up right now, yet i feel no remorse or sympathy for him. he's been a victim to a life of drugs and i see him day in and day out at home, walking around the neighborhood, laughing at nothing....and i can't help to feel angry. just little annoying things he does sparks anger in me that i never thought i could feel. do i hate him? maybe...i am not sure. he is blood, yet i felt more emotion when my friend passed away, when my brothers' friend passed away, when i hear bad things on the news.

am i heartless? i feel as i am. but no one will truly understand me because i don't let them. i don't give them a chance to understand my situation because as long as i smile and say and pretend everything is okay, well...everything is. and everything is okay. it's just some days that i am left to dwell on things that puts things into perspective. i am not making excuses for myself because i lived a hard life, but i just can't seem to allow myself to talk about things. and i know why i am angry at my brother, i get a sense of why i have this hatred toward him but it doesn't matter. i just hold it in and avoid him. it's gotten so bad that i imagine the day that he passes...overdoses or something and i will feel nothing. i know that i will feel nothing, so i guess that makes me heartless...

Comfortable

There is this thing called comfort. It's what people like family have, boyfriends and girlfriends share, and what makes people feel safe around friends, around each other. It is a weird thing because I feel comfortable around my friends, and some family members. But even with the comfort I feel, I do not disclose a lot of information about myself towards them. Sure they can see if I am hurt, sad, mad, or happy. But all the info they receive is only surface level, skin deep. I am always on guard with my feelings, emotions, etc. I never let anyone get too close. I mean I know that my friends care for me and will be there for me no matter what, but by "close" I mean it in regards to the details of my life and what I am going through, not emotionally.

Many people have told me that they feel comfortable with me or being around me. Friends, ex-girlfriends, and some aquaintances. I don't know how to react to it. I am just being me and many people find comfort hanging out with me. The flipside is I have never told anyone that I have felt comfortable around them. I am sure I feel some sort of comfort around friends, but I have never just been in a situation and thought, "wow, I feel comfortable around ______."

I guess I am going to have to start letting down my guard and be able to put the trust that I know I have with my friends and start letting it show to the comfort I have with them as well. I think I will have to start trusting and confiding with friends whom I know will be there no matter what with situations in my life that I feel no one will seem to understand. I have to start somewhere, and I know that I cannot hide my emotions all the time. Sometimes it shows on my face and friends have told me that they see the hurt and pain in my eyes, no matter how much I try to hide it. Maybe I will find the comfort that I seek...one day.

Memories

Think back to your earliest memory that you are able to remember. Not something that you were told by someone, (i.e. "you were very talkative at 2 years old" or "you used to run around naked as a young child, it was the funniest thing ever") Think back and think hard to the earliest one you are able to remember.

The theory according to my professor (which she has done no research on it whatsoever) is that the earliest memory you can recall is the moment you started to understand language and hence you are able to form memories. This seems like it is true, and at first when I heard her say it, I was thinking to myself, "yeah, right!"

And then I started to think about it more and more. The earliest memory I can remember is when I was young child. Nothing before that. Nothing of my first 3-4 years in Texas. The earliest I can come up with is probably my time in Pomona when my dad owned a motel and events of my childhood thereafter. However, I was not a slow child, I "understood" language before that. A classmate of mine was wondering the same thing because he couldn't remember anything past being a little child. The professor asked a few people to share their memories and there were a few classmates who can remember when they were babies...waiting in a crib, or pooping their pants (though maybe they don't remember that far back as much as they wanted to get a laugh...cuz I am also taking a memory class and we tend to form our own memories on our own perspective, that's why eyewitness accounts are kind of shady because we alter situations in our memory to fit...that's a whole different topic).

Anyways as it turns out, my classmate and I figured that when we were younger, we spoke a different language. He spoke Spanish and I spoke Chinese (Mandarin) as children. I spoke nothing but mandarin and he spoke nothing but spanish. Now we are grown up and in college and we mainly speak English and have forgotten most of our primary language...so based on the theory, we can only remember as far back as we could when we understood English, and since we forgot our primary language that we spoke when we were younger, that's why we are unable to remember anything younger. It is a very interesting theory, and maybe something I might look into and reseraching or writing a dissertation on...haha...