~!~Very Random Thoughts~!~: So like I am left to do nothing, but just think about stuff, and so I did. I laughed, I cried, I went through a lot of emotions. And then I realized that I am weird. You're probably thinking, "It took you that long to figure it out?" =Þ I know I am, so whatever...trying to turn your life around is so freaking hard, and the first month is not even over. I mean from being a house hermit to Mr. Social is a lot of hard work. I mean I am so used to the security of my room and my bed. Just sitting there, and thinking about everything, good and bad, and like now I am going out more, which costs more money, and talking to people more, etc. I still want to be that loner, quiet, unsocialite that I was before. It is just like being addicted to something...it is so easy to go back, but I am determined to turn things around, and I am doing so well, as I have been told, that I won't quit in what I want to accomplish. Which brings me back to my thoughts. Lately, thinking is the only thing I can do above the chaos that is my family, the fun with my friends, and the booming of the stupid idiot box. Make sense or not, here are my thoughts...
Death: I have always thought about this. I am not afraid of dieing. I have thought about that many times in my suicidal phase. It's more of a, "Would anyone really miss me if I really died?" or "Would anyone show up at my funeral?" and gay stuff like that. I mean I picture that I am no longer on the earth, and like I see people crying, and actually missing me. I feel good that I do picture people actually missing me, but I am looking down on heaven. Then it hits me, it takes my death to realize that people do care. Then comes the topic of the after life. Is there really one? I then see the image of me in the heavens looking down at the caring people at my funeral fade into black. And then I wonder...I won't be able to see if the people do care for me, because all I will see is black. And I can't imagine seeing complete darkness after seeing and experiencing this great and colorful world. I can't imagine closing my eyes and seeing total darkness to sleep, and never opening them again. It just freaks me out.
Friends: Not the ones that are on T.V., but like my friends. Change is bad. It is never good. Such is the case with me and my friends. Having that serious talk with Cindy made me realize that everything has changed and just aren't the same anymore. When we went to go kick it with everyone in our little high school group/circle of friends, it was cool because everyone made it, but then Cindy always feel different. It's always us in that group and their girlfriends. I mean I have nothing agaisnt their girlfriends, I get a long with them really well, but Cindy did make a good point. It's like they have to bring them everywhere. Maybe if I get a girlfriend, I would do the same, but I don't so I can't really determine it. She had a boyfriend for a long time, but she never had to bring him along everytime. And like she just wants it to be us. If she had to choose between going out with us plus the girlfriends or staying home, she'd rather stay home. I would like an all homie kick it, but I still accept their decision to bring their girlfriends. When it's like a couple or two couples and me, or like 3 couples and me, that is when I mind. I feel like I am a drag to bring along, but it is still cool to hang around them, and I still have a great time, but I just feel like a 3rd, 5th, 7th Wheel. When it is with everyone, I don't care much, as long as we are all there.
Past Relationships: Ouch, they hurt. And especially to see them move on and everything. It's like a little bit of jealousy takes over, and like you want to do something about it, but you can't really do anything. Keeping in touch with your ex is the worst. Especially when you still have a little bit of feelings still. But I guess that is life. You have to move on. You can't dwell or linger on the past. I mean they do give you some perspective on life and yourself, but they also cause some insecurities that screw you over for a very long time. Now my relationship with Adelle was open to my friends, but my relationship with Steffy was kept on the DL. I mean I wanted to tell people, but I guess I wasn't ready to reveal myself and be open. It is very hard for ex's to be really close friends after a break up, and if you are able to stay as real close friends, I applaud you. But there is something that just taints the friendship after a relationship break up, and that is the case. I mean I used to talk to Adelle and Steffy a lot. Before and during, but once it ended, it was not smooth sailing. I miss our talks.
The Worst Feeling: In those annoying "This is All You Need to Know About Me" Surveys there usually is a question that asks "Worst Feeling in the World:" I think I have finally found it, well for me anyway. Everyone usually puts down regret. And that is true, but depending on the situation. I put on the last one, Living...(In my not so social phase), but I have found out that it is indeed that little shred of hope that you have lingering on to someone, and you think you have moved on and are doing well, but then you hear from or see that person...and then everything rushes back to you. That feeling is the worst, it screws you over, and you have to move on all over again because you get back all those feelings you tried hard to push away and its all for nothing. yeah, Juju and I are trying to describe it and she mentioned heartbreak, but I feel that is too strong of a word for that feeling because it can also be used for a crush that you never hooked up with. I am going through that feeling now. *sigh* Oh well...
"Family": Haha...what a funny topic. Family, I guess that is the label for the people I live with. Though that is not what I would call them(with the exception to Peter) My parents are back at that "Okay, nothing has happened, so let's just pretend to be a freaking happy couple" phase again. My mom still talks to me as if I am a freaking 6 year old. She has to explain every little thing to me. My dad...I don't really know what is going on with my dad. I have heard stuff going on with him. So I don't see how this "family" is still here. Frankly, it should have been over a long time ago. I hate this. My gay brother by bloodline(Grrr....) Hanson is stupid and annoying as fuck. He thinks he is funny, but is just annoying. I mind my own business and ignore him because that is the only thing I can do, and yet he still decides to bug me and annoy me. And recently, we got into a fist fight over his stipidity and anooyance. Nothing really happened. Peter is the only person who can relate to me because he hates Hanson as well. He is the one I can talk to(whenever he approaches me, I'm still not at that part where I can just openly start a conversation with him). He is the only person keeping me sane in this household. I find myself worse off than I was before. Every minute in this household is just making my situation worse. I see myself getting worse off every passing day. I want out all ready!!! This place is not healthy, but it is the only place I have to go...HELP!!!!
Conan O' Brien and TiVo: The guy who can bring my spirits up because his show is so funny and hilarious. His show has dumb comedy and I just find it to be really funny! Sometimes I am not able to watch him because he is on so late, but whenever I do,(especially on my break) I am laughing up a roit. So if you ever see me sad or down, just bring over a recorded Conan O'Brien episode and we'll watch it and I should be back to normal in no time! My friend Kathie and I were talking about pitching in and buying a TiVo, so it can record our shows and we can concentrate on school and stuff more. That would be so cool. We could just record Smallville, or Friends, or Everwood, or Good Morning Miami, or Will and Grace, and even Conan! (I don't think we were serious, but that would be so kick arse!)
School: This is all I have to look forward to. I never thought I would be saying that I wanted to go back to school, but it is the only thing that can take my mind off of the reality that is my life. Plus I want to attack those books and get my damn 4.0 G.P.A because that 2.46 is just depressing. Everyone is telling me that it is good, but good isn't good enough. I am just heading back to my high school antics and it is pissing me off, because I did not want to do that. I have to get an "A" in English to prove to myself that I am a good writer. I also have to do it as a tribute to my High School Senior English Teacher, Ms. Cobian. She passed me with a "C" just so I wouldn't be on contract at Fullerton, even though I deserved an "F" due to my lack of caring and slacking off. So I am going to push myself to the limit. Frankly, I don't care if this causes me to break down this semester, but I need to get that "A" for her, and for myself. To prove to myself that I deserve to be at Fullerton.
Her: *sigh* Juju knows who "her" is, but doesn't know her. And not many people do. So here goes...
"(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it"
--Avril Lavigne
A letter to her that I wrote one day just expressing myself, but I have no intention on giving it to her. I am such a wimp. *sigh*
Dear Someone...
I should have gotten over you by now, but there is something about you that I cannot let go. I should have moved on with my life, but there is something that just lingers on to you. And I don't know if it is a bad or good feeling because ever since I met you, I cannot distingush between the two. Maybe, I don't want to move on, or maybe I just can't. I mean there are "plenty of fish in the sea," right? But why is it that I cannot find someone who compares to you? You make me want to be a person, not only for myself, but for you as well. Everytime I get a chance to see you, I have to prepare myself nicely, so I don't appear as a slob. I make sure everything is perfect, but whenever I see you, you make my heart skip a beat. I am shaking from nervousness. The funny thing is, I've seen you many times, but everytime, I see you, you cause the same effects to come over me. My heart flutters whenever I see you from a distance, and as I finally see you face to face, my knees get weak and I feel like I am going to collapse. This happens everytime I know I am going to visit you or see you. Do you know how hard it is to hold back every feeling that I feel for you and just try to be your friend? When everytime I see you, I keep thinking back to the past, of you and me and how great it was to hold you, hug you, just be with you. Changes happened and now I cannot see you as often as I like, but the little time I do get to spend with you is worth every second. You make me want to be someone better than who I am. You make me want to be the perfect guy...for you. I see myself trying to move on, but then everything, including my thoughts, just reflect back upon you. I cannot imagine my life without ever meeting you. You always stood out from everyone else in my eyes, and you always had a gleam of confidence in you. I did not have a doubt in my mind that you would have made a great leader and a great captain. And for as long as I have known you, you bring the best out of me. Do you know how much you have changed me? I can't picture my life without you there, because you were a significant part of it. I care for you alot, more than you'll know.
Death: I have always thought about this. I am not afraid of dieing. I have thought about that many times in my suicidal phase. It's more of a, "Would anyone really miss me if I really died?" or "Would anyone show up at my funeral?" and gay stuff like that. I mean I picture that I am no longer on the earth, and like I see people crying, and actually missing me. I feel good that I do picture people actually missing me, but I am looking down on heaven. Then it hits me, it takes my death to realize that people do care. Then comes the topic of the after life. Is there really one? I then see the image of me in the heavens looking down at the caring people at my funeral fade into black. And then I wonder...I won't be able to see if the people do care for me, because all I will see is black. And I can't imagine seeing complete darkness after seeing and experiencing this great and colorful world. I can't imagine closing my eyes and seeing total darkness to sleep, and never opening them again. It just freaks me out.
Friends: Not the ones that are on T.V., but like my friends. Change is bad. It is never good. Such is the case with me and my friends. Having that serious talk with Cindy made me realize that everything has changed and just aren't the same anymore. When we went to go kick it with everyone in our little high school group/circle of friends, it was cool because everyone made it, but then Cindy always feel different. It's always us in that group and their girlfriends. I mean I have nothing agaisnt their girlfriends, I get a long with them really well, but Cindy did make a good point. It's like they have to bring them everywhere. Maybe if I get a girlfriend, I would do the same, but I don't so I can't really determine it. She had a boyfriend for a long time, but she never had to bring him along everytime. And like she just wants it to be us. If she had to choose between going out with us plus the girlfriends or staying home, she'd rather stay home. I would like an all homie kick it, but I still accept their decision to bring their girlfriends. When it's like a couple or two couples and me, or like 3 couples and me, that is when I mind. I feel like I am a drag to bring along, but it is still cool to hang around them, and I still have a great time, but I just feel like a 3rd, 5th, 7th Wheel. When it is with everyone, I don't care much, as long as we are all there.
Past Relationships: Ouch, they hurt. And especially to see them move on and everything. It's like a little bit of jealousy takes over, and like you want to do something about it, but you can't really do anything. Keeping in touch with your ex is the worst. Especially when you still have a little bit of feelings still. But I guess that is life. You have to move on. You can't dwell or linger on the past. I mean they do give you some perspective on life and yourself, but they also cause some insecurities that screw you over for a very long time. Now my relationship with Adelle was open to my friends, but my relationship with Steffy was kept on the DL. I mean I wanted to tell people, but I guess I wasn't ready to reveal myself and be open. It is very hard for ex's to be really close friends after a break up, and if you are able to stay as real close friends, I applaud you. But there is something that just taints the friendship after a relationship break up, and that is the case. I mean I used to talk to Adelle and Steffy a lot. Before and during, but once it ended, it was not smooth sailing. I miss our talks.
The Worst Feeling: In those annoying "This is All You Need to Know About Me" Surveys there usually is a question that asks "Worst Feeling in the World:" I think I have finally found it, well for me anyway. Everyone usually puts down regret. And that is true, but depending on the situation. I put on the last one, Living...(In my not so social phase), but I have found out that it is indeed that little shred of hope that you have lingering on to someone, and you think you have moved on and are doing well, but then you hear from or see that person...and then everything rushes back to you. That feeling is the worst, it screws you over, and you have to move on all over again because you get back all those feelings you tried hard to push away and its all for nothing. yeah, Juju and I are trying to describe it and she mentioned heartbreak, but I feel that is too strong of a word for that feeling because it can also be used for a crush that you never hooked up with. I am going through that feeling now. *sigh* Oh well...
"Family": Haha...what a funny topic. Family, I guess that is the label for the people I live with. Though that is not what I would call them(with the exception to Peter) My parents are back at that "Okay, nothing has happened, so let's just pretend to be a freaking happy couple" phase again. My mom still talks to me as if I am a freaking 6 year old. She has to explain every little thing to me. My dad...I don't really know what is going on with my dad. I have heard stuff going on with him. So I don't see how this "family" is still here. Frankly, it should have been over a long time ago. I hate this. My gay brother by bloodline(Grrr....) Hanson is stupid and annoying as fuck. He thinks he is funny, but is just annoying. I mind my own business and ignore him because that is the only thing I can do, and yet he still decides to bug me and annoy me. And recently, we got into a fist fight over his stipidity and anooyance. Nothing really happened. Peter is the only person who can relate to me because he hates Hanson as well. He is the one I can talk to(whenever he approaches me, I'm still not at that part where I can just openly start a conversation with him). He is the only person keeping me sane in this household. I find myself worse off than I was before. Every minute in this household is just making my situation worse. I see myself getting worse off every passing day. I want out all ready!!! This place is not healthy, but it is the only place I have to go...HELP!!!!
Conan O' Brien and TiVo: The guy who can bring my spirits up because his show is so funny and hilarious. His show has dumb comedy and I just find it to be really funny! Sometimes I am not able to watch him because he is on so late, but whenever I do,(especially on my break) I am laughing up a roit. So if you ever see me sad or down, just bring over a recorded Conan O'Brien episode and we'll watch it and I should be back to normal in no time! My friend Kathie and I were talking about pitching in and buying a TiVo, so it can record our shows and we can concentrate on school and stuff more. That would be so cool. We could just record Smallville, or Friends, or Everwood, or Good Morning Miami, or Will and Grace, and even Conan! (I don't think we were serious, but that would be so kick arse!)
School: This is all I have to look forward to. I never thought I would be saying that I wanted to go back to school, but it is the only thing that can take my mind off of the reality that is my life. Plus I want to attack those books and get my damn 4.0 G.P.A because that 2.46 is just depressing. Everyone is telling me that it is good, but good isn't good enough. I am just heading back to my high school antics and it is pissing me off, because I did not want to do that. I have to get an "A" in English to prove to myself that I am a good writer. I also have to do it as a tribute to my High School Senior English Teacher, Ms. Cobian. She passed me with a "C" just so I wouldn't be on contract at Fullerton, even though I deserved an "F" due to my lack of caring and slacking off. So I am going to push myself to the limit. Frankly, I don't care if this causes me to break down this semester, but I need to get that "A" for her, and for myself. To prove to myself that I deserve to be at Fullerton.
Her: *sigh* Juju knows who "her" is, but doesn't know her. And not many people do. So here goes...
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it"
--Avril Lavigne
A letter to her that I wrote one day just expressing myself, but I have no intention on giving it to her. I am such a wimp. *sigh*
Dear Someone...
I should have gotten over you by now, but there is something about you that I cannot let go. I should have moved on with my life, but there is something that just lingers on to you. And I don't know if it is a bad or good feeling because ever since I met you, I cannot distingush between the two. Maybe, I don't want to move on, or maybe I just can't. I mean there are "plenty of fish in the sea," right? But why is it that I cannot find someone who compares to you? You make me want to be a person, not only for myself, but for you as well. Everytime I get a chance to see you, I have to prepare myself nicely, so I don't appear as a slob. I make sure everything is perfect, but whenever I see you, you make my heart skip a beat. I am shaking from nervousness. The funny thing is, I've seen you many times, but everytime, I see you, you cause the same effects to come over me. My heart flutters whenever I see you from a distance, and as I finally see you face to face, my knees get weak and I feel like I am going to collapse. This happens everytime I know I am going to visit you or see you. Do you know how hard it is to hold back every feeling that I feel for you and just try to be your friend? When everytime I see you, I keep thinking back to the past, of you and me and how great it was to hold you, hug you, just be with you. Changes happened and now I cannot see you as often as I like, but the little time I do get to spend with you is worth every second. You make me want to be someone better than who I am. You make me want to be the perfect guy...for you. I see myself trying to move on, but then everything, including my thoughts, just reflect back upon you. I cannot imagine my life without ever meeting you. You always stood out from everyone else in my eyes, and you always had a gleam of confidence in you. I did not have a doubt in my mind that you would have made a great leader and a great captain. And for as long as I have known you, you bring the best out of me. Do you know how much you have changed me? I can't picture my life without you there, because you were a significant part of it. I care for you alot, more than you'll know.
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