A start to opening up....So much stuff has happened...
I still have not accepted the fact that he is gone. He will come back. He is strong. Stronger than me. It is just so hard to go on with your regular life. Why does time have to move on....Why can't it just stop and resume when everything is better? People are worried about me...but I don't see waht the point is. They tell me to eat something, or drink something...Still gotta do well in school...but I just keep thinking, why am I so blessed as to be able to take another breath of air? Why do I get to eat and drink? Why do I get to go to school?
School does go on, and it is really hard to concentrate. Tests are so much harder and I don't even feel like going to class sometimes, but I have to. And in one class, we have to do some Service Learning thing. I chose a place in Santa Ana called THINK Together. I mentor and tutor children who go to the program. It is really hard to pretend that everything is so peachy keen while in my reality it is not. I can't bring my problems to the little kids, so I just act like nothing can bring me down. It is hard, but the kids have been a breath of fresh air recently.
Got a stupid parking ticket at my own damn school. Had to watch a play and I didn't have a parking permit because David and I carpool, and I didn't get it the day before, so I parked and went to watch the show...It was really good. A...My Name Is Alice. I come back and get a $20 ticket. Aren't there times when the damn parking permit doesn't work anymore? Whatever, it's the least of my worries as of now...
Lotta people went to the beach to leave flowers and pray for Roy on Sunday. Teachers, friends, and classmates of Roy. It was really hard to get out of bed taht day and go to the place that I last saw my friend. What is even harder is to see everyone again. I cannot look anyone in the face. it is just to difficult to see the pain and anguish in their face. I still see it as my fault, and everyone tells me it isn't my fault, and one day I will see it that way as well, but as of now, it is my fault, and every new face is another face that I let down.
"We're in this together..." Though that statement has some truth, no one can understand how I really feel because there is more to my story than in anyone else's story. I was more "invovled" than the stupid exploiting newspapers stated.
I am weak...I see Thao and Jessica, Roy's Girlfriend and Lil Sis, and they seem to be so strong. I wish I could be like them. But it is hard, when I cannot even look them in the eye. I feel that I have let them down the most. And his parents especially. His parents blame me for what happened, and I don't blame them.
Yesterday we spent another day/night at the beach. A lot of people came by. Gathered a lot of people at the beach. Some who we haven't seen since Graduation. More faces that I let down. Roy's mom was there and she came up to me and put a mean guilt trip on me. And by what I heard I know she resents me and hates me and blames me. Because of me, I caused this gathering of people, who shouldn't have been there in the first place. Prayed for him, cried, lit some incense for him. I'm Sorry...
"Cmon, Help him find his way to his family, friends, loved ones. His parents need and miss him. His friends miss him and need him, his sister, I do too...He was always there to listen to the crap going on with me and my family, and was always there to reassure me that things would be all right. It's hard with out him here...You can't take him away from us. We have become a family throughout our years even though we don't admit to it, and we don't always hang out, but we have become a family. It took us four years to build it up and you cannot just just take away one of our family members. You can't take away my brother. We might not have had the same family in our middle schools, but some of us were building a part of it, and it took high school for us to connect our mini famiy to create the big picture...Now we have accepted it, and now we are missing a huge piece of it. Bring him back safely. Help him find his way to everyone who cares about him...We all miss him. Bring him back to family..."
This has been a really hectic time for me, and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has tried to cheer me up. I know that it is hard for you too, and it hurts to see me the way I was.
Jenifer: Thanks for everything that you have done...I know things are hard for you and I am not helping. I appreciate everything that you have been doing for me.
Nam: I did not think that anyone knew what I was going through. You told me a lot yesterday. I didn't think that you would be someone who could make me feel a bit better. You always seemed to be crackign jokes and I did not expect you to be there, but thanks for everything. I will try to get better...
Thao and Jessica Lee: You are two of the strongest people I know. I don't know how you could forgive me for something that I did or caused. I see you smile, and I just picture Roy telling me that "Everything will be all right." Your words mean a lot to me.
Jessica Tu and Joi: Thanks for being there for me through everything. You helped me a lot.
Anna: You have helped a lot too. Just by being there and caring. You have always been a great friend.
Candy and Cindy: We have gone though so much together. This is a roadblock in our lives, but your comforting words and emotions have been helpful. You were there to comfort and calm me down...thanks.
J.T., Truong, David, and J.V.: Sorry guys...We have become a band of brothers, and to lose one is hard. I fel so much like crap, but thanks for trying ot cheer me up and doing whatever you could to make me see things differently. We have known eachother for many years, and ben through so many rough times, but tahnks for trying to help me through this one. I mean you all have been strong, and to see all of you cry is nervewrecking...I'm the sensitive one and to have you all break down is hard to comprehend. But thanks for everything...
I know there have been many more, but at the time, these people pop in my head...I don't feel like typing anymore, maybe i could talk about how i am feeling one day, (don't worry Nam, I will talk to someone) To everyone I didn't get to mention, it doesn't mean that I don't think you helped me, you did, its just that there is too much crap going through my mind, and I could barely even remember the people I mentioned, but Thanks for everything.
It's still hard to face people...I can't look anyone in the eyes...
We are in this together....
I still have not accepted the fact that he is gone. He will come back. He is strong. Stronger than me. It is just so hard to go on with your regular life. Why does time have to move on....Why can't it just stop and resume when everything is better? People are worried about me...but I don't see waht the point is. They tell me to eat something, or drink something...Still gotta do well in school...but I just keep thinking, why am I so blessed as to be able to take another breath of air? Why do I get to eat and drink? Why do I get to go to school?
School does go on, and it is really hard to concentrate. Tests are so much harder and I don't even feel like going to class sometimes, but I have to. And in one class, we have to do some Service Learning thing. I chose a place in Santa Ana called THINK Together. I mentor and tutor children who go to the program. It is really hard to pretend that everything is so peachy keen while in my reality it is not. I can't bring my problems to the little kids, so I just act like nothing can bring me down. It is hard, but the kids have been a breath of fresh air recently.
Got a stupid parking ticket at my own damn school. Had to watch a play and I didn't have a parking permit because David and I carpool, and I didn't get it the day before, so I parked and went to watch the show...It was really good. A...My Name Is Alice. I come back and get a $20 ticket. Aren't there times when the damn parking permit doesn't work anymore? Whatever, it's the least of my worries as of now...
Lotta people went to the beach to leave flowers and pray for Roy on Sunday. Teachers, friends, and classmates of Roy. It was really hard to get out of bed taht day and go to the place that I last saw my friend. What is even harder is to see everyone again. I cannot look anyone in the face. it is just to difficult to see the pain and anguish in their face. I still see it as my fault, and everyone tells me it isn't my fault, and one day I will see it that way as well, but as of now, it is my fault, and every new face is another face that I let down.
"We're in this together..." Though that statement has some truth, no one can understand how I really feel because there is more to my story than in anyone else's story. I was more "invovled" than the stupid exploiting newspapers stated.
I am weak...I see Thao and Jessica, Roy's Girlfriend and Lil Sis, and they seem to be so strong. I wish I could be like them. But it is hard, when I cannot even look them in the eye. I feel that I have let them down the most. And his parents especially. His parents blame me for what happened, and I don't blame them.
Yesterday we spent another day/night at the beach. A lot of people came by. Gathered a lot of people at the beach. Some who we haven't seen since Graduation. More faces that I let down. Roy's mom was there and she came up to me and put a mean guilt trip on me. And by what I heard I know she resents me and hates me and blames me. Because of me, I caused this gathering of people, who shouldn't have been there in the first place. Prayed for him, cried, lit some incense for him. I'm Sorry...
"Cmon, Help him find his way to his family, friends, loved ones. His parents need and miss him. His friends miss him and need him, his sister, I do too...He was always there to listen to the crap going on with me and my family, and was always there to reassure me that things would be all right. It's hard with out him here...You can't take him away from us. We have become a family throughout our years even though we don't admit to it, and we don't always hang out, but we have become a family. It took us four years to build it up and you cannot just just take away one of our family members. You can't take away my brother. We might not have had the same family in our middle schools, but some of us were building a part of it, and it took high school for us to connect our mini famiy to create the big picture...Now we have accepted it, and now we are missing a huge piece of it. Bring him back safely. Help him find his way to everyone who cares about him...We all miss him. Bring him back to family..."
This has been a really hectic time for me, and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has tried to cheer me up. I know that it is hard for you too, and it hurts to see me the way I was.
Jenifer: Thanks for everything that you have done...I know things are hard for you and I am not helping. I appreciate everything that you have been doing for me.
Nam: I did not think that anyone knew what I was going through. You told me a lot yesterday. I didn't think that you would be someone who could make me feel a bit better. You always seemed to be crackign jokes and I did not expect you to be there, but thanks for everything. I will try to get better...
Thao and Jessica Lee: You are two of the strongest people I know. I don't know how you could forgive me for something that I did or caused. I see you smile, and I just picture Roy telling me that "Everything will be all right." Your words mean a lot to me.
Jessica Tu and Joi: Thanks for being there for me through everything. You helped me a lot.
Anna: You have helped a lot too. Just by being there and caring. You have always been a great friend.
Candy and Cindy: We have gone though so much together. This is a roadblock in our lives, but your comforting words and emotions have been helpful. You were there to comfort and calm me down...thanks.
J.T., Truong, David, and J.V.: Sorry guys...We have become a band of brothers, and to lose one is hard. I fel so much like crap, but thanks for trying ot cheer me up and doing whatever you could to make me see things differently. We have known eachother for many years, and ben through so many rough times, but tahnks for trying to help me through this one. I mean you all have been strong, and to see all of you cry is nervewrecking...I'm the sensitive one and to have you all break down is hard to comprehend. But thanks for everything...
I know there have been many more, but at the time, these people pop in my head...I don't feel like typing anymore, maybe i could talk about how i am feeling one day, (don't worry Nam, I will talk to someone) To everyone I didn't get to mention, it doesn't mean that I don't think you helped me, you did, its just that there is too much crap going through my mind, and I could barely even remember the people I mentioned, but Thanks for everything.
It's still hard to face people...I can't look anyone in the eyes...
We are in this together....
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