Everyday that passes by is just another day in which I just feel lonlier and lonlier.

Sure, lately, I have been going out, doing things with other people, but the lonliness I feel still stays with me. It just lingers on and drags you down. I have been feeling like this for a long time now, just hoping it would just go away. Thought that if I go out and be more social that this feeling will disappear. It hasn't. Maybe it is there because I haven't experienced love or been in a relationship for quite a while, I don't know. I just know that it is there.

I remember when I was younger, I was girl crazy. Liked almost every girl I got to know, (not really but it sure felt that way) and like I guess I just wanted to get the sense of emotions and feelings that two people in a relationship share. It was hard because all of my friends had girlfriends, and they were all hooked up on these long relationships...the thing that I always wanted, yet I never got. My relationships last only like a month or two. And that kinda made me feel empty as well, lonely...what was I doing wrong? I know my looks and size had a part in it. I am not the skinniest person nor am I the best looking. So I know that it has been preventing me from anything. Also because I feel like this...that has also played a part in it as well.

I have always had low self-esteem. I still do. I don't think that will ever change. During High School, I was quite popular. Many people knew me and I hung around many different groups, trying to find a group I could fit into. But I never did truly find a group. I just met a lot more people who liked my personality and fed me the compliments I always seeked. If I didn't get it from one group, I would get it from another.

"Johnson, you rock!"
"Johnson, you are so nice!"
"You are one of the coolest person I know"
"You are a sexy beast"

But they are just words. They make you feel nice for a while...sure, I don't deny that, but then afterwards it makes me think...if I really am what they say I am to be, then why can't I find anyone? Why doesn't anyone find me? If I am such a great catch, then why am I still here alone, and stressing about this stuff? I know that you shouldn't go looking for it, that it will just come to you, but I feel that if I don't look for it, it will never come, especially someone like me. I look at myself and see nothing. That is what I am...I have no self-worth. And if anyone is actually dumb enough to like me, then I better not let that chance slip away from me. "This could be my only chance!" It's not like girls like me everyday ya know?

I don't look, but when I do, I don't do anything when I find someone. I guess I like people way out of my league. At least in my eyes, everyone that I like is way out of my league. So I don't do anything about it. I am really stupid when it comes to signs as well. I don't see them. Mainly because I don't think that girls flirt with me, so unless you hold up a sign in neon lights flashing "I LIKE YOU!!!" I won't get the hint. I used to be girl crazy now not that many girls interest me.

But some of them do, and like I don't tell anyone that I like someone. One of my friends always tries to get me to hook up with someone. Like he will mention that I should hit people up or like get to know someone a lil closer, just stuff like that. I always laugh it off and I know he is just messing. But it bothers me still...Maybe I should. Maybe one person who I am so shy to talk to could actually like me back and then I could finally get the relationship I want. HA! That is some really wishful thinking! I can't even make friends at CSUF. School is lonely. I am secluded to myself, and I an not one of those people who can just spark up a conversation, even though I appear to be one of those people, outgoing, not afarid of acting dumb, etc. I just am not able to. What am I suppose to say? How's the weather? What's your schedule? I might as well just walk up to them and just say "BE MY FRIEND!" It is hard to make friends when you don't talk. And no one ever walks up and just starts talking to me. No one wants to be my friend. I started a Chinese Study Group to maybe get to know some people in my chinese class and help them along the way as well. It is working and I have met people, but none that I would like really go out with or talk to on the phone. It is just business, and I put a lot of effort into it and like I get compliments...one of my classmates said I am nice and everything for doing that study group, and others agreed. That is about it. Nothing else. I see the people in my Chinese class talking to eachother. Like everyone found one person that they are able to talk to more than others. And I don't have that. I am just known as the guy who puts the Study Group together. How nice....

I prefer to have good freinds who I can talk to things about and ya know build a frienship and stuff, rather than have liek 20-30 aquaintances. So far that is all I have made in school, aquaintances, which is good networking, but still, I'd rather have like one friend in every class that I can talk to, relate things to, chat things up with. I did make one my freshman year frist semester. Her name is Ashley and we met because we had two same classes together. We just ended up losing contact. Different school scedules etc. And I noticed that I am a lot less talkative now then I was back then. I don't talk as much and like I don't talk on the phone. Holding eerything in has just been the thing for me. I used to love talking on the phone, I was open would talk about anything and everything. Now I noticed that I don't open up. I am boring, and it shows. No one ever calls me on my phone, very rarely does someone IM me to chat. I always seem to be IMing other people. I have nothing left to say anymore. And like when people do call me, I tend to be whatevers about it. I give off one word answers, and there are long awkward pauses and stuff, so I am just tellilng people to leave me alone. I don't know what is wrong with me.

There are a few people that I am interested in. I just will never be able to tell them. I can't even talk to them. When I like someone, I think they are the most beautiful girl in the world. That they are too pretty for me. Way out of my league. They are like way up there and I am way down there, so there is no use in me even talking to them and getting to know them. And I know that they will never like me back, so why even bother. I am Mr. Sunshine right? But this contradicts what I present myself outside. I am going through a lot of crap in my family life, with my social life, my love life and lack there of, and jsut internaly with myself. Lately, I don't know when, I have had this optimistic attitude towards things. It even shows when I talk to people. I, Mr. Pessimistic, am all happy, and cheerful, and finding the good in things, and passing my happy advice to others, when I know that I am not like that. But i did notice that people like me more as Mr. Optimist rather than Mr. Pessimist. When I help others with their problems, I always tell them to look for the bright side and point some of them out. And they always are like, "I admire you Johnson, even though you have so much stuff going on in your life, you are still able to have this happy outlook and like always look for the bright side." It is all an act. Fact is, people will repsond to you better if you are happy or faking to be happy rather than being sad.

I have a lot of problems and alot of issues. I don't ever think I will ever get out of this lonliness bit, or my lack of self-confidence. I won't ever have the guts to talk to a girl I like or tell her that I am interested or like her. I have a lot to work on and improvment on myself, and I don't even think I can fix it.