"Moral Fiber"

Today I saw The Girl Next Door about a pornstar that moves next door to a guy who can be best described as a loser and impacts his life and changes him for the better. I wish I could have a pronstar move next door and do the same. Except it wouldn't have to be a pornstar. Just someone that will impact my life. Make me take risks that I never would without that person there. Someone to wake me up from my boring life. Everything is so routine and conventional. I need some love in my life. I need my own "moral fiber."

I realized that maybe I did find my "moral fiber," but I was too much of a coward to do something about it and now I am kicking myself in the ass. My life was whatever back in high school. It just felt useless. I mean, sure, I was involved in a lot of clubs and I was a part of the theatre and music department, but I just didn't feel alive. Until I met someone like towards the end of my high school career. Ami Smith. She made my last month and a half at South El Monte better. Had so many fun times...I wanted to stay after school just so I could be with her. She changed me...changed my attitude. We got close...and at a party I revealed my feelings toward her. The thing was...she liked me too! We kissed. I went to visit her at summer school and even asked her to be with me. I got rejected because she was afraid. So I kept on visiting her throughout the year. Problem was...someone that I was cool with liked her too, so that kinda made me back off. And a whole lot of other drama. Well everything settled and I still visited. One of my friends told me to do something about my long time crush, but I was too scared. He pointed out that she likes me too because of the way she acts when she is around me. I didn't believe it, due to my low self-esteem. Well, now I regret not doing anything. Now I am on the sideline watching her with another guy. If only I acted and stopped being such a pussy, things would have been a lot different. Though some of it was her fault...but I should have done something. It's weird because now that she has a boyfriend, we talk even more now and have gotten closer. But I am not one to go behind someone's back and go after a taken girl. I am not that scanless. Besides, I know this guy, and he is cool. I missed my chance. So now all I can do is wait until things between them go bad, but I am not hoping for it to happen. Take life as it is...let things be, whatever happens...happens.

Been feeling seperated from everyone...it's like I have found a new life in my work. New friends, though I haven't opened up to anyone. It just feels weird how everyone has moved on with their lives. I feel that I stayed behind. Everyone seems to be progressing but I am still stuck. There are some great people at work. I like a lot of them. But there are none that are what J.T., Roy, Truong, J.V., or a David were to me. The Shively Six. I am closest to Candy now. And it seems that she is the only one that I talk to now. David has Chen, John La, Joi, Joanne, and other people...J.V. has his Cal Poly friends...Truong has badminton and UCLA...J.T. has Nina...and Roy, sadly, passed away too soon, but has a big group of people who loves him and a great sister who lives on despite all of the pressures. I feel I am slipping away from everyone...and haven't been able to open up to anyone new to have a cool close friendship. It seems that everything I do is useless. Just haven't been feeling peachy lately...*sigh*