School begins and Spring Break is now over. Lately I haven't been in the school feeling. Everything just seems so worthless nowadays. You work and work your butt off, and for what? Only to have everything that you have worked so hard for be taken away from you in a damn moment. I have yet to talk...yet to even acknowledge that the moment really existed. But as I live my life..the reality of things slap me in my face as if to scream "Wake up stupid!" I guess you could say that I am getting better, but not by much. I still relive that horrid day...March 14, 2003...practically every day...I have nightmares about it. Things that you don't even want to think of. The thing that keeps me going...Friends. Friends being there for you and just understanding that I am not ready to talk. Friends that just accept you and how you are feeling and try to get your mind off of things, but things like this shall never be forgotten. It will always linger in the back of our minds. The day that we forget..is the day that we truly lost him. I see people...they are so strong...I look in the mirror and see a worthless person standing there...just here to take up space and precious air...air that could have been for him.
Sunday, I went to Julie's BBQ thing just so I didn't have to be home...be at a place that is so horrible for me, a place that is suppose to be a sanctuary, but instead is a hellhole. I went there and got cake and stayed with Van for a bit. At 10, we had to leave, so I left and went out with Evelyn to Applebee's. We ate and talked, and played "sugars." The score was 2-2. I have been trying to go out and stay busy...keep my resolution and be more social....even in these hard times. (Juju, you'd be proud of me.) It was okay...still didn't open up....
Today, after the SEMHS Choir Concert, I took Liz home. (Diana's sister) After, I went home and Tiffany called me. Decided to go to Cold Stone and get some ice cream..yum yum...picked her up and got some kick @$$ ice cream. Then went to Starbucks and met up two of her friends. They work at M1 Autobody on Ramona and Peck. (Kinda coincidental, because Roy got his car fixed there after he got into an accident. He got his Carbon Fiber hood and wing there...*sigh*) Went home after they wanted to go to arcade and play games...talked a little, but didn't open up...Had fun though Fish Sauce....
Had a good talk with Thao...on the phone...while driving...the both of us...hehe. We talked about a few things...just a few things to give her peace of mind and stuff...still nothing great or spectacular on opening up, but hey, gotta start somewhere...when I do feel like openeing up, I would think it would be to Thao and Jessica first...Everything is so damn hard now...I don't know how you all do it....
Lately, I have been going out alot. Trying to get my mind off of things, but of course they always come back...I had two "In Loving Memory of Roy Ken Lee" Car Stickers that John La gave me, but I don't know where they went...I know I don't have a car, but still the point was I had two...Thinking back....I wish I could have said my eulogy or just a few more words at the funeral. I wanted to go up and talk, and was ready but then the minister began talking and I guess that was the start of the service...I wish I would have went up there...now I can't...I guess I will just say waht I gotta say on his website...whenever I am ready...I hold everything in..I have to...I got to...
One of the things that pissed me off but it was also a kick in the @$$ was when the minister said the word..."drowned." It was the first time someone "labeled" the situation. It was the first time I heard it come out of someone's mouth...no one would say it...I guess they didn't want it to be true...I carriend the casket..."It can't be him in there..." J.T. patted me on the back..."It's all right man..." We watch as he is being buried...J.T. breaks down. First time in a long time you see him cry...I have seen him shed a few tears before, but never in a long time...it is the realization that this stupid shit is happening...so many things I want to say....so many things I need to say....so many things I hold back..."It's not your fault...." Everyday I wonder.....
Sunday, I went to Julie's BBQ thing just so I didn't have to be home...be at a place that is so horrible for me, a place that is suppose to be a sanctuary, but instead is a hellhole. I went there and got cake and stayed with Van for a bit. At 10, we had to leave, so I left and went out with Evelyn to Applebee's. We ate and talked, and played "sugars." The score was 2-2. I have been trying to go out and stay busy...keep my resolution and be more social....even in these hard times. (Juju, you'd be proud of me.) It was okay...still didn't open up....
Today, after the SEMHS Choir Concert, I took Liz home. (Diana's sister) After, I went home and Tiffany called me. Decided to go to Cold Stone and get some ice cream..yum yum...picked her up and got some kick @$$ ice cream. Then went to Starbucks and met up two of her friends. They work at M1 Autobody on Ramona and Peck. (Kinda coincidental, because Roy got his car fixed there after he got into an accident. He got his Carbon Fiber hood and wing there...*sigh*) Went home after they wanted to go to arcade and play games...talked a little, but didn't open up...Had fun though Fish Sauce....
Had a good talk with Thao...on the phone...while driving...the both of us...hehe. We talked about a few things...just a few things to give her peace of mind and stuff...still nothing great or spectacular on opening up, but hey, gotta start somewhere...when I do feel like openeing up, I would think it would be to Thao and Jessica first...Everything is so damn hard now...I don't know how you all do it....
Lately, I have been going out alot. Trying to get my mind off of things, but of course they always come back...I had two "In Loving Memory of Roy Ken Lee" Car Stickers that John La gave me, but I don't know where they went...I know I don't have a car, but still the point was I had two...Thinking back....I wish I could have said my eulogy or just a few more words at the funeral. I wanted to go up and talk, and was ready but then the minister began talking and I guess that was the start of the service...I wish I would have went up there...now I can't...I guess I will just say waht I gotta say on his website...whenever I am ready...I hold everything in..I have to...I got to...
One of the things that pissed me off but it was also a kick in the @$$ was when the minister said the word..."drowned." It was the first time someone "labeled" the situation. It was the first time I heard it come out of someone's mouth...no one would say it...I guess they didn't want it to be true...I carriend the casket..."It can't be him in there..." J.T. patted me on the back..."It's all right man..." We watch as he is being buried...J.T. breaks down. First time in a long time you see him cry...I have seen him shed a few tears before, but never in a long time...it is the realization that this stupid shit is happening...so many things I want to say....so many things I need to say....so many things I hold back..."It's not your fault...." Everyday I wonder.....
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home