"You are stubborn, selfish, and want attention!"
Recently, I have been going out with friends a lot, well whenever I can. And I have noticed that I have been having fun! I know that you are probably thinking..."Duh! That's what you are suppose to do when you go out with friends!" And I know that, but in the past, going out with friends was a whole different experience for me. Of course it was fun hanging out and catching up and everything, but it was different because I was unhappy. I was the moodiest person in the world. Anyone who knew me back then could tell you that I had the biggest and most drastic mood swings in the world. I would go from happy to really really depressed in less than 2.4 seconds. It was from one end of the spectrum to the other end. There was no in between. But the thing about that was that I was always pretending to be happy. Pretending that I was having a great time. Just pretending to be someone I wasn't. Pretending just so I could maintain my image as funny guy Johnson. Honestly, I get tired of pretending.
The funny thing about that is that I am a person who tends to hold in everything. If something is bugging me, I hold it in. If something pisses me off, I just held it in. If something made me happy, well I would smile or enjoy it for a little while, but I was always restraining myself from showing too much emotion. In the inside I wanted to shout and scream, but on the outside I just smiled said an "All Right!" and brushed it off. Holding things in isn't good for you, I know that, but to me showing your emotions meant you were weak. I mean I have always seen and been there for my friends when they were expressing their feelings whether it be mad, sad, happy, etc. And not once did I ever think that they were weak. But for some reason, it was different for me. I didn't want to express anything because I did not want to be a drama queen or king in my case, but it turned out that because I held everything in, that made me into a drama king.
Everyone wants attention in some way or form. If you don't get the attention you want, you get it in another form. I didn't want attention from all the bad things that were happening in my life. I wanted the good attention. So I held in everything, so I wouldn't get the "Are you okay?" attention that I tried to stay away from. I did well too. Always the life of the party at school or at parties. And I don't know when it happened, but I guess holding in everything started to affect me and my mood. It was most obvious when friends who were so used to me hyperactive and energetic and always funny at school saw me at my house...so withdrawn from everything and quiet. This wasn't the Johnson that they have known for so long at school. But that was me, quiet, shy, withdrawn, etc. And sooner or later, all that holding in of everything changed me drastically.
Like I said if you don't get the attention you want, you get the attention that you probably didn't want. It comes in another form. I didn't know how to deal with all the crap that was happening in my life. Especially involving my family. I was a wreck. I know that I had friends who were there for me and would listen to my problems, but I was always the one listening and helping them with their problems. How could I go from shoulder to cry on, being their rock, to being the person who needs the shoulder to cry on? And throughout all that I was so screwed up that I even started questioning whether my friends were even my friends. So I didn't want to tell anyone that I was struggling. And this is how my mood swings would happen. I would be out with my friends hanging out and out of nowhere I started thinking about my life and then BAM! I would jump from being happy and having a good time to "leave me alone" and depressed. I wanted to be alone in my room, but I was out with other people, so I would just stay withdrawn and isolate myself from conversation and activities. I guess I started to wear my emotions on my sleeves because I was not so good at hiding them anymore. I tried not to let my emotions get the best of me, but they always did. And I know I would bring down my group of friends, even though I didn't want to. Trust me it isn't for the attention because if it was I would have loved it when everyone was crowded around me and asking me what was wrong. I was just a troubled adolescent and teen, but who wasn't? I just never learned how to cope with things.
So over the years I changed from fun-loving to chronically depressed. I went from consciously not wanting to be a drama king to unconsciously becoming one. Plus adding to that, there was just more and more bad things happening. And I think because of that I started becoming a pessimist. I started looking at all the bad things that were happening and probably missing the good things. I held more and more in, not letting any friends get close to me. So instead of telling them what was bugging me and having them help and know why I was moody and sad most of the time, I just shut them out and kept them wondering why I was moody and sad.
This just kept on repeating. I think my breaking point was on February 2005. School had just started and I was actually planning on doing well on my Spring semester because I always tended to mess up during Spring. I went to school for the first week, looking forward to it. I had pretty cool classes and it was looking bright, but then after attending for the first week, I found out that I would no longer have a ride there anymore. It was just dropped on me on Friday as I was getting dropped off. I would not have a way of getting to school on Monday. I thought that it totally sucked. Having to find out last minute and everything. If I would have known like a few weeks in advance, I could have probably found a way to deal with it, but it was all of a sudden. If you knew and taht was the case, why take me to class the whole first week anyways? I would have rather not gone and not find out what a great schedule I had. But it was understandable, I guess, I saw it through your point of view and it was a hassle with you moving and everything. I even tried to rearrange my work schedule so it would be less of a hassle for you. I tried to find alternate ways of getting to school Looking into the Metrolink or even the bus(which would have taken 3 hours which would mean I would have to get up at 5AM to go to the bus stop plus $3.75 one way so $7.50 a day just to get to and back from school). It just would not work for me. That was when I started feeling anger inside me building up. I was not going to school because I was a hassle. I had the same schedule as you and you did not live that far from me. I didn't get it. But there was nothing taht I could have done. So I decided that I would just avoid you.
But on that same night, everyone decided to go out and eat and hang out because a friend came back from Colorado. We decided to go to a cafe to eat and as I was there, guess who was there? EVERYBODY! I wasn't happy to go in the first place, but I figured since our friend was back for a visit, what the heck. On the car ride, I pretended to have a good time, with my fake smile on my face. And when we got to the cafe, saying hi to everyone with my fake smile even though I was not happy or even felt like smiling. Even I knew that people tend not to like to hang around downers. So I had to pretend. And sometime sitting down at the table and realizing who was there..sitting around me and overhearing that the reason I was a hassle was because you planned on staying over your g/f's house. That was the only reason, if that was the case I don't know why you just couldn't tell me so, instead of making up some BS excuse. And from that moment I got tired of pretending. I just couldn't stand sitting there at that table. My head was spinning, and I just needed to get out. Be alone. So I went outside to think things through. Again I wanted to be alone in my room while I was out with friends. And I just didn't want to deal with any one of them. So when they were done and all ready to go home, I was content just being by myself outside and I was not ready to go home. They kept telling me to get up and leave and I just told them that I didn't want to. They should just leave without me. I would walk home. And then I got up and started walking.
That was the most physically and emotionally draining day of my life. I power walked from the cafe which was in Alhambra and I walked all the way down to Rosemead nearing El Monte. I just wanted to be left alone, at least taht I what I thought. I never opened up much about anything to anyone. Even with the passing of one of my best friends, I still held in everything. So as I was walking, friends kept calling, and after a while some caught up to me. I just kept walking ignoring them and at times trying to lose them by running. I was doing well. One by one they would try to catch me and one by one I would lose them. It started getting late and one by one they started departing, having to get home. All execpt three people in one car. Honestly, if they would have drove off, I don't know how I would be feeling right now. Because honestly I was asking for them to just drive off. But they didn't. The people who you least expect to touch your lives in the most offbeat moment of your life do. I still remember when Roy passed away, and I was shutting everyone out, everyone was there for me, but the two people who impacted me most were Lynn San and Nam. Of all people I wasn't close to them, but we knew eachother, and we all knew Roy. And for some reason, hearing them just really helped me a lot. I am not saying that no one else helped me, but I am saying that for some odd reason, they helped me more.
Again this is the case with the three people who were after a long time, still stuck by me. I have always felt a bit of abandonment from everyone in one way or another. This could be from my messed up childhood, but regardless, during that time, especially since I did not have a ride to school, I had a sort of I am all on my own mentality, and no one could help me. I was a lone ranger, better off alone. I really believed that all of my friends weren't my friends. And the stupidest thing I thought was that I didn't need them. As I was walking really fast to get away from Joi who was on the street following me, she was trying to talk to me. Asking me "Why are you doing this?" Trying to be sympathetic and find out what was bothering me. After a few miles of getting nowhere, she quickly changed from sympathetic to angrily and brutally honest. At least with her opinions about me. Basically calling me stubborn, selfish, and an attention whore. At the time when she said it I just brushed it off, and was agreeing with her just so she could get off my case and leave me alone. I was thinking to myself, you can think all the stuff you want to about me but you don't realy know me so who are you to judge me? And as the "chase" wore on, she would not leave me alone. She kept yelling at me, and I kept yelling back. Joanne and John La were in the car slowly following behind. One of the key things I remember is telling her to just go home. I told her to leave me alone and just let me walk home, and she said "Then I will walk with you until you get home." While it all was happening, I did not have time to think about anything much. I don't know how or when I stopped and just broke down, but it happened. And Joi was right there. I don't usually talk to Joi about anything besides, how are you doing? I know that I don't tend to build stronger relationships with some people because of the way I am and the way I look. Roy and Truong have a closer relationship with Joi because they were cute in her eyes, but it's okay, I have grown to accept that. Anyways when I broke down I just had to unload some of the crap that I have been holding in.
I told her about why I was acting the way I was, 1)because of David not being able to take me to school and how it sucked that he didn't give me a heads up about it or like a few weeks to find an alternative. And about how he said it was an inconvienience for him to take me because he was moving, but then finding out when he was talking to John La that he was going to stay at Joanne's house. and 2)not being able to face everyone at the table. Because the last time everyone one who was at the table was around was on March 14, 2003. I have seen most of the people there at different times, but this was the first time that I saw everyone together. Everyone who was there the afternoon it happened, and as much as I thought I was getting better, I found out that I was barely breaking the skin on healing. I also told Joi that I am not an attention whore, that I try to avoid attention, but despite me avoiding it, I still get it. Like I said before you'll get attention regardless, but it's up to you to decide which one you get. With me trying to avoid attention I actually caused myself to get the bad attention. Anyways after my break down, we got into the car with Joanne and John La waiting and they drove me home.
I guess I am happier now. I still hold things in, and I still at times feel that I want to be left alone, but not as much anymore. When I am out with friends, I enjoy the time we spend doing whatever. I guess I have found my inner peace with the friends taht I have. I don't question my friendship with anyone anymore. They are there for me, I know that they are, I just have to be willing to open up and not be scared to share a little piece of me with them. When I go out with friends I am not moody anymore. In fact, I am always smiling and being Mr. Funny guy, and happy...only this time I am not PRETENDING. It is actually genuine and because of that I see that not only do I enjoy hanging out with others, I see that other people enjoy hanging out with me. It isn't rocket science to figure that out, but sometimes it takes rocket scientist to figure some simple things out. I am having a great time with my friends and the word "DUH!" comes to mind.
Recently, I have been going out with friends a lot, well whenever I can. And I have noticed that I have been having fun! I know that you are probably thinking..."Duh! That's what you are suppose to do when you go out with friends!" And I know that, but in the past, going out with friends was a whole different experience for me. Of course it was fun hanging out and catching up and everything, but it was different because I was unhappy. I was the moodiest person in the world. Anyone who knew me back then could tell you that I had the biggest and most drastic mood swings in the world. I would go from happy to really really depressed in less than 2.4 seconds. It was from one end of the spectrum to the other end. There was no in between. But the thing about that was that I was always pretending to be happy. Pretending that I was having a great time. Just pretending to be someone I wasn't. Pretending just so I could maintain my image as funny guy Johnson. Honestly, I get tired of pretending.
The funny thing about that is that I am a person who tends to hold in everything. If something is bugging me, I hold it in. If something pisses me off, I just held it in. If something made me happy, well I would smile or enjoy it for a little while, but I was always restraining myself from showing too much emotion. In the inside I wanted to shout and scream, but on the outside I just smiled said an "All Right!" and brushed it off. Holding things in isn't good for you, I know that, but to me showing your emotions meant you were weak. I mean I have always seen and been there for my friends when they were expressing their feelings whether it be mad, sad, happy, etc. And not once did I ever think that they were weak. But for some reason, it was different for me. I didn't want to express anything because I did not want to be a drama queen or king in my case, but it turned out that because I held everything in, that made me into a drama king.
Everyone wants attention in some way or form. If you don't get the attention you want, you get it in another form. I didn't want attention from all the bad things that were happening in my life. I wanted the good attention. So I held in everything, so I wouldn't get the "Are you okay?" attention that I tried to stay away from. I did well too. Always the life of the party at school or at parties. And I don't know when it happened, but I guess holding in everything started to affect me and my mood. It was most obvious when friends who were so used to me hyperactive and energetic and always funny at school saw me at my house...so withdrawn from everything and quiet. This wasn't the Johnson that they have known for so long at school. But that was me, quiet, shy, withdrawn, etc. And sooner or later, all that holding in of everything changed me drastically.
Like I said if you don't get the attention you want, you get the attention that you probably didn't want. It comes in another form. I didn't know how to deal with all the crap that was happening in my life. Especially involving my family. I was a wreck. I know that I had friends who were there for me and would listen to my problems, but I was always the one listening and helping them with their problems. How could I go from shoulder to cry on, being their rock, to being the person who needs the shoulder to cry on? And throughout all that I was so screwed up that I even started questioning whether my friends were even my friends. So I didn't want to tell anyone that I was struggling. And this is how my mood swings would happen. I would be out with my friends hanging out and out of nowhere I started thinking about my life and then BAM! I would jump from being happy and having a good time to "leave me alone" and depressed. I wanted to be alone in my room, but I was out with other people, so I would just stay withdrawn and isolate myself from conversation and activities. I guess I started to wear my emotions on my sleeves because I was not so good at hiding them anymore. I tried not to let my emotions get the best of me, but they always did. And I know I would bring down my group of friends, even though I didn't want to. Trust me it isn't for the attention because if it was I would have loved it when everyone was crowded around me and asking me what was wrong. I was just a troubled adolescent and teen, but who wasn't? I just never learned how to cope with things.
So over the years I changed from fun-loving to chronically depressed. I went from consciously not wanting to be a drama king to unconsciously becoming one. Plus adding to that, there was just more and more bad things happening. And I think because of that I started becoming a pessimist. I started looking at all the bad things that were happening and probably missing the good things. I held more and more in, not letting any friends get close to me. So instead of telling them what was bugging me and having them help and know why I was moody and sad most of the time, I just shut them out and kept them wondering why I was moody and sad.
This just kept on repeating. I think my breaking point was on February 2005. School had just started and I was actually planning on doing well on my Spring semester because I always tended to mess up during Spring. I went to school for the first week, looking forward to it. I had pretty cool classes and it was looking bright, but then after attending for the first week, I found out that I would no longer have a ride there anymore. It was just dropped on me on Friday as I was getting dropped off. I would not have a way of getting to school on Monday. I thought that it totally sucked. Having to find out last minute and everything. If I would have known like a few weeks in advance, I could have probably found a way to deal with it, but it was all of a sudden. If you knew and taht was the case, why take me to class the whole first week anyways? I would have rather not gone and not find out what a great schedule I had. But it was understandable, I guess, I saw it through your point of view and it was a hassle with you moving and everything. I even tried to rearrange my work schedule so it would be less of a hassle for you. I tried to find alternate ways of getting to school Looking into the Metrolink or even the bus(which would have taken 3 hours which would mean I would have to get up at 5AM to go to the bus stop plus $3.75 one way so $7.50 a day just to get to and back from school). It just would not work for me. That was when I started feeling anger inside me building up. I was not going to school because I was a hassle. I had the same schedule as you and you did not live that far from me. I didn't get it. But there was nothing taht I could have done. So I decided that I would just avoid you.
But on that same night, everyone decided to go out and eat and hang out because a friend came back from Colorado. We decided to go to a cafe to eat and as I was there, guess who was there? EVERYBODY! I wasn't happy to go in the first place, but I figured since our friend was back for a visit, what the heck. On the car ride, I pretended to have a good time, with my fake smile on my face. And when we got to the cafe, saying hi to everyone with my fake smile even though I was not happy or even felt like smiling. Even I knew that people tend not to like to hang around downers. So I had to pretend. And sometime sitting down at the table and realizing who was there..sitting around me and overhearing that the reason I was a hassle was because you planned on staying over your g/f's house. That was the only reason, if that was the case I don't know why you just couldn't tell me so, instead of making up some BS excuse. And from that moment I got tired of pretending. I just couldn't stand sitting there at that table. My head was spinning, and I just needed to get out. Be alone. So I went outside to think things through. Again I wanted to be alone in my room while I was out with friends. And I just didn't want to deal with any one of them. So when they were done and all ready to go home, I was content just being by myself outside and I was not ready to go home. They kept telling me to get up and leave and I just told them that I didn't want to. They should just leave without me. I would walk home. And then I got up and started walking.
That was the most physically and emotionally draining day of my life. I power walked from the cafe which was in Alhambra and I walked all the way down to Rosemead nearing El Monte. I just wanted to be left alone, at least taht I what I thought. I never opened up much about anything to anyone. Even with the passing of one of my best friends, I still held in everything. So as I was walking, friends kept calling, and after a while some caught up to me. I just kept walking ignoring them and at times trying to lose them by running. I was doing well. One by one they would try to catch me and one by one I would lose them. It started getting late and one by one they started departing, having to get home. All execpt three people in one car. Honestly, if they would have drove off, I don't know how I would be feeling right now. Because honestly I was asking for them to just drive off. But they didn't. The people who you least expect to touch your lives in the most offbeat moment of your life do. I still remember when Roy passed away, and I was shutting everyone out, everyone was there for me, but the two people who impacted me most were Lynn San and Nam. Of all people I wasn't close to them, but we knew eachother, and we all knew Roy. And for some reason, hearing them just really helped me a lot. I am not saying that no one else helped me, but I am saying that for some odd reason, they helped me more.
Again this is the case with the three people who were after a long time, still stuck by me. I have always felt a bit of abandonment from everyone in one way or another. This could be from my messed up childhood, but regardless, during that time, especially since I did not have a ride to school, I had a sort of I am all on my own mentality, and no one could help me. I was a lone ranger, better off alone. I really believed that all of my friends weren't my friends. And the stupidest thing I thought was that I didn't need them. As I was walking really fast to get away from Joi who was on the street following me, she was trying to talk to me. Asking me "Why are you doing this?" Trying to be sympathetic and find out what was bothering me. After a few miles of getting nowhere, she quickly changed from sympathetic to angrily and brutally honest. At least with her opinions about me. Basically calling me stubborn, selfish, and an attention whore. At the time when she said it I just brushed it off, and was agreeing with her just so she could get off my case and leave me alone. I was thinking to myself, you can think all the stuff you want to about me but you don't realy know me so who are you to judge me? And as the "chase" wore on, she would not leave me alone. She kept yelling at me, and I kept yelling back. Joanne and John La were in the car slowly following behind. One of the key things I remember is telling her to just go home. I told her to leave me alone and just let me walk home, and she said "Then I will walk with you until you get home." While it all was happening, I did not have time to think about anything much. I don't know how or when I stopped and just broke down, but it happened. And Joi was right there. I don't usually talk to Joi about anything besides, how are you doing? I know that I don't tend to build stronger relationships with some people because of the way I am and the way I look. Roy and Truong have a closer relationship with Joi because they were cute in her eyes, but it's okay, I have grown to accept that. Anyways when I broke down I just had to unload some of the crap that I have been holding in.
I told her about why I was acting the way I was, 1)because of David not being able to take me to school and how it sucked that he didn't give me a heads up about it or like a few weeks to find an alternative. And about how he said it was an inconvienience for him to take me because he was moving, but then finding out when he was talking to John La that he was going to stay at Joanne's house. and 2)not being able to face everyone at the table. Because the last time everyone one who was at the table was around was on March 14, 2003. I have seen most of the people there at different times, but this was the first time that I saw everyone together. Everyone who was there the afternoon it happened, and as much as I thought I was getting better, I found out that I was barely breaking the skin on healing. I also told Joi that I am not an attention whore, that I try to avoid attention, but despite me avoiding it, I still get it. Like I said before you'll get attention regardless, but it's up to you to decide which one you get. With me trying to avoid attention I actually caused myself to get the bad attention. Anyways after my break down, we got into the car with Joanne and John La waiting and they drove me home.
I guess I am happier now. I still hold things in, and I still at times feel that I want to be left alone, but not as much anymore. When I am out with friends, I enjoy the time we spend doing whatever. I guess I have found my inner peace with the friends taht I have. I don't question my friendship with anyone anymore. They are there for me, I know that they are, I just have to be willing to open up and not be scared to share a little piece of me with them. When I go out with friends I am not moody anymore. In fact, I am always smiling and being Mr. Funny guy, and happy...only this time I am not PRETENDING. It is actually genuine and because of that I see that not only do I enjoy hanging out with others, I see that other people enjoy hanging out with me. It isn't rocket science to figure that out, but sometimes it takes rocket scientist to figure some simple things out. I am having a great time with my friends and the word "DUH!" comes to mind.
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