The Feeling of Family Slowly Slipping Away In All Aspects
Since the beginning, I have always wanted a normal family. A family that at least communicates with eachother. I never expected it to be like one of those perfect TV families, but that would be nice. I don't even have anything close to a family. My parents got divorced when I was about 4 years old. I don't even remember much about how it was before with my biological father and my mom. All I remember is the bad. So to have a new start was refreshing. A new father and a new brother as well. So this led me to my current living situation now. Nick, my step-dad; Dona, my mom; Hanson, my blood brother; and Peter, my step-brother.
I moved from Texas to Pomona to a small little town called South El Monte...a fresh new start. At first, it was a great situation. We did things on weekends ate dinner as a family, we all were a part of eachothers' lives. Key word...WERE. My parents were strict on my brothers and me. We had to do write in a journal everyday, my parents made us do handwriting exercises, math problems, anything to give us a headstart. Be smarter than all the other kids. Just what is expected in an Asian family. Which led to innocent spankings that soon turned into abuse.
I mean I joke around about it now, but at the time, it was horrible. I was living in fear at my own home. I wanted to stay away from home, but the thing was, I had to go straight home after school or else I would get spanked. So there was no way out. It was a warzone. I had homework to do, plus the extra things that my parents wanted us to do and on top of that chores. It started at a young age, but I know how to clean. And if we didn't do our chores we would get spanked. It was my parents answer to everything. I mean I know some things that we did deserved somekind of punishment, and it could have been spankings, but for every little thing that we did wrong was getting hit, something was wrong. I mean spilling a cup of water was a whipping, which was equal to buying baseball cards, which was also equal to stealing something. There was not a line drawn and slowly I began to be drawn away fro mmy family as well, but no one noticed.
I used to be a straight A student. I liked school, and exceeded in it as well. Finally, sometime around 5th grade, I gave up. I started to slack off and just not care about my grades anymore. It was more about being the class clown and getting more into the social scene. I still understood what was happening, but laziness came in and in 6th grade I got my first F. Junior high and high school was no better. It was always an uphill climb to bring up my grades. No one knew about my stuggles, no one cared. As long as I graduated, it would show that I did well. I could have been a part of the top 5% of my school, but due to lack of support in my life, I was just happy to be a part of the graduating class.
Since my family was never there for me, I began to find comfort somewhere else, and I found my scond family, soon to be my first family within my friends. Whenever something was bugging me, one of my friends was the first to notice, before my "family". If I had a crush on a girl, I would tell my friends. If I had a problem with something, I would let my friends know. And I soon came to realize that my friends became my family. Always there for me, but as much of a family John V., John T., Truong, Roy, David, Candy, and Cindy were to me, it never fully filled the void that I felt from not having my family there for me.
I remember that I wanted to hang out with my brothers and their friends. I would always want to hang out with them. Go out with them. Hang out at their friends' houses and just chill. I did for a while and it was cool. Going to pool halls and shooting pool, hanging out at Starbucks and just singing, etc. I looked up to them. They smoked and that was whatever. I been around smokers my whole life. My mom, my dad, my bio dad, and both my brothers smoked, so I didn't care. Smoking didn't affect their behaviors. It wasn't until drugs entered the picture that I started to withdraw from them. Alcohol was introduced, and I was a part of that, no harm in that, marijuana came into the picture next, then raves were the great thing to happen, and everyone went raving. You can't go to raves without seeing people rolling on X. And that was the next drug to enter my home. Hanson was first to do it, and eventually Peter got into it too. Peter didn't smoke at first either, but then since all his friends smoked, peer pressure eventually got the best of him, and that was the same case with Ecstacy. They went raving every weekend. I felt lost again. Then they had raving parties at my house whenever my parents went to Vegas. This led to the introduction of Crystal Meth, Methenphetemine, "tweek". And that really screwed up my brothers. Screwed up most of thier friends as well. It opened up crack to some of them too. It was just them using it, but soon enough, they began to sell it as well. And soon enough my house became a drug house. Needless to say, I stopped looking up to them and felt isolated and lost when they were not there for me and became more occupied with drugs.
So now my parents stopped noticing me, and my brothers did too. My parents are constantly arguing and fighting. Yet they still stay together. It has been going on for about 5 years now, and since they are at eachother's throats, they have no time for anything else. I had no one but my friends. And now, I am slowly feeling I am losing them as well.
I remember a time when I was outgoing and would talk to anyone who would talk to me. I found many friends and even had so many online friends. And we were close. I would talk to many of them, either online, on the phone, or in person. Now it's a big difference. Now I hardly talk to anyone. We have our hi's and hello's now and that's it. I feel so disconnected with everyone. Everyone has moved on and started their new lives and I want to hang on to what I had in the past. I am losing my sense of family everywhere. I envy everyone who has a family in any shape or form. I hate those perfect TV families that I once wanted, but yet it always depresses me whenever I watch shows like Everwood, Life As We Know It, One Tree Hill, etc. Some of the families on the show aren't perfect, but they try thier best to work things out, and that is noting like mine.
Even with my family of friends are beginning to leave me. I know that it cannot be how it was in the past, but I would like it to be. Everyone has their own life to live, new additions to families, and boyfriends/girlfriends. They have their own things to do and worry about and cannot live in the past. I understand that, but I never had a true family. And the only ounce of family that I have left is breaking apart. I mean we all don't even hang out together like we used to. And I feel even emptier than I ever have. I guess I was never meant to have a true family...
Since the beginning, I have always wanted a normal family. A family that at least communicates with eachother. I never expected it to be like one of those perfect TV families, but that would be nice. I don't even have anything close to a family. My parents got divorced when I was about 4 years old. I don't even remember much about how it was before with my biological father and my mom. All I remember is the bad. So to have a new start was refreshing. A new father and a new brother as well. So this led me to my current living situation now. Nick, my step-dad; Dona, my mom; Hanson, my blood brother; and Peter, my step-brother.
I moved from Texas to Pomona to a small little town called South El Monte...a fresh new start. At first, it was a great situation. We did things on weekends ate dinner as a family, we all were a part of eachothers' lives. Key word...WERE. My parents were strict on my brothers and me. We had to do write in a journal everyday, my parents made us do handwriting exercises, math problems, anything to give us a headstart. Be smarter than all the other kids. Just what is expected in an Asian family. Which led to innocent spankings that soon turned into abuse.
I mean I joke around about it now, but at the time, it was horrible. I was living in fear at my own home. I wanted to stay away from home, but the thing was, I had to go straight home after school or else I would get spanked. So there was no way out. It was a warzone. I had homework to do, plus the extra things that my parents wanted us to do and on top of that chores. It started at a young age, but I know how to clean. And if we didn't do our chores we would get spanked. It was my parents answer to everything. I mean I know some things that we did deserved somekind of punishment, and it could have been spankings, but for every little thing that we did wrong was getting hit, something was wrong. I mean spilling a cup of water was a whipping, which was equal to buying baseball cards, which was also equal to stealing something. There was not a line drawn and slowly I began to be drawn away fro mmy family as well, but no one noticed.
I used to be a straight A student. I liked school, and exceeded in it as well. Finally, sometime around 5th grade, I gave up. I started to slack off and just not care about my grades anymore. It was more about being the class clown and getting more into the social scene. I still understood what was happening, but laziness came in and in 6th grade I got my first F. Junior high and high school was no better. It was always an uphill climb to bring up my grades. No one knew about my stuggles, no one cared. As long as I graduated, it would show that I did well. I could have been a part of the top 5% of my school, but due to lack of support in my life, I was just happy to be a part of the graduating class.
Since my family was never there for me, I began to find comfort somewhere else, and I found my scond family, soon to be my first family within my friends. Whenever something was bugging me, one of my friends was the first to notice, before my "family". If I had a crush on a girl, I would tell my friends. If I had a problem with something, I would let my friends know. And I soon came to realize that my friends became my family. Always there for me, but as much of a family John V., John T., Truong, Roy, David, Candy, and Cindy were to me, it never fully filled the void that I felt from not having my family there for me.
I remember that I wanted to hang out with my brothers and their friends. I would always want to hang out with them. Go out with them. Hang out at their friends' houses and just chill. I did for a while and it was cool. Going to pool halls and shooting pool, hanging out at Starbucks and just singing, etc. I looked up to them. They smoked and that was whatever. I been around smokers my whole life. My mom, my dad, my bio dad, and both my brothers smoked, so I didn't care. Smoking didn't affect their behaviors. It wasn't until drugs entered the picture that I started to withdraw from them. Alcohol was introduced, and I was a part of that, no harm in that, marijuana came into the picture next, then raves were the great thing to happen, and everyone went raving. You can't go to raves without seeing people rolling on X. And that was the next drug to enter my home. Hanson was first to do it, and eventually Peter got into it too. Peter didn't smoke at first either, but then since all his friends smoked, peer pressure eventually got the best of him, and that was the same case with Ecstacy. They went raving every weekend. I felt lost again. Then they had raving parties at my house whenever my parents went to Vegas. This led to the introduction of Crystal Meth, Methenphetemine, "tweek". And that really screwed up my brothers. Screwed up most of thier friends as well. It opened up crack to some of them too. It was just them using it, but soon enough, they began to sell it as well. And soon enough my house became a drug house. Needless to say, I stopped looking up to them and felt isolated and lost when they were not there for me and became more occupied with drugs.
So now my parents stopped noticing me, and my brothers did too. My parents are constantly arguing and fighting. Yet they still stay together. It has been going on for about 5 years now, and since they are at eachother's throats, they have no time for anything else. I had no one but my friends. And now, I am slowly feeling I am losing them as well.
I remember a time when I was outgoing and would talk to anyone who would talk to me. I found many friends and even had so many online friends. And we were close. I would talk to many of them, either online, on the phone, or in person. Now it's a big difference. Now I hardly talk to anyone. We have our hi's and hello's now and that's it. I feel so disconnected with everyone. Everyone has moved on and started their new lives and I want to hang on to what I had in the past. I am losing my sense of family everywhere. I envy everyone who has a family in any shape or form. I hate those perfect TV families that I once wanted, but yet it always depresses me whenever I watch shows like Everwood, Life As We Know It, One Tree Hill, etc. Some of the families on the show aren't perfect, but they try thier best to work things out, and that is noting like mine.
Even with my family of friends are beginning to leave me. I know that it cannot be how it was in the past, but I would like it to be. Everyone has their own life to live, new additions to families, and boyfriends/girlfriends. They have their own things to do and worry about and cannot live in the past. I understand that, but I never had a true family. And the only ounce of family that I have left is breaking apart. I mean we all don't even hang out together like we used to. And I feel even emptier than I ever have. I guess I was never meant to have a true family...
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