I need to learn how to open up and communicate. I don't like the fact that I hold everything in. And I probably have a lot of people who are there for me (at least that's what they always tell me) and willing to listen when I am ready to open up, but the problem is, I don't know what to say or how to start. Every single day it is eating me up inside, yet everyday I put on my happy face and pretend that everything is peachy keen. People see me smile and tell me, "It's good to see ya smiling..." or "Glad to have the happy Johnson back..." It is all an act and it just gets harder and harder by the passing day, hour, minute. When is this suppose to get easier? I haven't been going to school for like the past 2 weeks, and didn't go yesterday either. I am messing up so much, but I can't handle everything. I have so many emotions that I don't know how I am feeling. My brother is an annoying @$$ and he keeps bugging me. I hate living at home...and now I can't tell Roy about the stupid shyet that is bugging me. He was always there to listen.

I am really mad that I can't open up. I have had so many chances to, but I still hid my feelings. Yesterday, Toaster and I were talking online, and like we were both doing miserable...I told her that I wanted to talk to her and mUnKi about everything, but couldn't...and mUnKi felt she was weak throughout this whole ordeal...we are all breaking down...I just decided to sign off. Toaster decided to drop by South El Monte, and she went to mUnKi's house. She called me to go over, so I did. Here was my chance...just the three of us...Toaster, mUnKi, and me, but waht happened? Nothing. I just went back to "shut up" mode. Toaster and mUnKi were there talking about stuff, and at least attempting to let out some feelings, but I just sat there, lied there, doing nothing but listening. You should have seen or heard what was running through my head. It was as if I was a part of the conversation, a part of the healing, but it was just in my head. I was just a lost soul, a rock. And I am really pissed off that I can't do or say anything, even when the opportunity is right in front of my face...Roy mang, I Miss Ya!.....out of words......