It's Been Longer Than A Year...But I Still See It As My Fault
So after seeing Garden State, it made me think about many things that I don't think about or push aside from my memory. It is just too hard to think about, but in the movie the main character played by Zach Braff, has to cope with the fact that his mother passed away. He has been numbed by all the medication he takes and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Another factor is that in a freak accident, he caused his mom to be in a wheelchair paralyzing her from the waist down. She ended up drowning in the restroom while taking a bath. He deals with everything and is finally able to open up and accept everything with the help of a girl he meets.
I thought back to the incident that happened on March 14, 2003. No one else was out there with us, so no one else knows what I had to go through. I have a first aid and prevention class, and the rule is that you don't want to put yourself in danger. You don't want to be a victim as well, so if you are able to save yourself, you should. The teacher stresses that, and I hear it so often, but I can't help but think that if I did something different that day, just a little more effort of some sort, the outcome could be different. I could have prevented it...and I haven't really opened up about this. And I know that I need help, but my pride gets in my way. I don't talk about this, I don't want to see someone about this because I don't see myslef talking to a psychologist about anything, even if I need it. I told Mrs. Montero that I would see the school psychiatrist, at Fullerton, and I made an appointment one day, only to not go to school that day, and later not going to school after that.
I go to school everyday..and I have an hour gap on Monday, and an hour gap on Tuesday and Thursday, yet I still refuse to get help. I don't really think that I am over what happened, like it still hasn't sunk in. Even though all this time passed. I hate myself for not being able to save him...seeing Jessica having to grow up by herself and not being able to be there for her. I hate myself when I see Thao, staying strong, trying to continue on with her life...alone, when she could be spending it with him. I hate myself more whenever I see my friends...his friends as well...and everything is explained just by looking them in the eyes. And I can't help but think it is my fault. Despite what anyone says...I am responsible. It isn't easy saying "hi" to his parents...when in the back of my mind is a little voice saying, "it's your fault...your fault why they are missing their son...your fault why their family is incomplete." And it is quite possible that they think that about me as well. Some days are just unbareable, because my mind just decides to play tricks on me or maybe it's real...it just seems that everyone has an accusing stare. Everyone blames me for what happened...and they are just glaring at me...wishing it was me instead of him. And I wish that it was. I know that I need help, but I am not ready to. And frankly I don't know when I will ever be ready...I still play everything that happened that day in my head...and it is just in slow motion. I see the mistakes I made and how if I just decided to do one thing differently, this would all been different. I need to oepn up...I need to talk to someone...why was I the last person he spoke to...all the things running through my mind...the things on that day that only I know because I was out there with him...and despite what anyone says...I will always see it as my fault...
So after seeing Garden State, it made me think about many things that I don't think about or push aside from my memory. It is just too hard to think about, but in the movie the main character played by Zach Braff, has to cope with the fact that his mother passed away. He has been numbed by all the medication he takes and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Another factor is that in a freak accident, he caused his mom to be in a wheelchair paralyzing her from the waist down. She ended up drowning in the restroom while taking a bath. He deals with everything and is finally able to open up and accept everything with the help of a girl he meets.
I thought back to the incident that happened on March 14, 2003. No one else was out there with us, so no one else knows what I had to go through. I have a first aid and prevention class, and the rule is that you don't want to put yourself in danger. You don't want to be a victim as well, so if you are able to save yourself, you should. The teacher stresses that, and I hear it so often, but I can't help but think that if I did something different that day, just a little more effort of some sort, the outcome could be different. I could have prevented it...and I haven't really opened up about this. And I know that I need help, but my pride gets in my way. I don't talk about this, I don't want to see someone about this because I don't see myslef talking to a psychologist about anything, even if I need it. I told Mrs. Montero that I would see the school psychiatrist, at Fullerton, and I made an appointment one day, only to not go to school that day, and later not going to school after that.
I go to school everyday..and I have an hour gap on Monday, and an hour gap on Tuesday and Thursday, yet I still refuse to get help. I don't really think that I am over what happened, like it still hasn't sunk in. Even though all this time passed. I hate myself for not being able to save him...seeing Jessica having to grow up by herself and not being able to be there for her. I hate myself when I see Thao, staying strong, trying to continue on with her life...alone, when she could be spending it with him. I hate myself more whenever I see my friends...his friends as well...and everything is explained just by looking them in the eyes. And I can't help but think it is my fault. Despite what anyone says...I am responsible. It isn't easy saying "hi" to his parents...when in the back of my mind is a little voice saying, "it's your fault...your fault why they are missing their son...your fault why their family is incomplete." And it is quite possible that they think that about me as well. Some days are just unbareable, because my mind just decides to play tricks on me or maybe it's real...it just seems that everyone has an accusing stare. Everyone blames me for what happened...and they are just glaring at me...wishing it was me instead of him. And I wish that it was. I know that I need help, but I am not ready to. And frankly I don't know when I will ever be ready...I still play everything that happened that day in my head...and it is just in slow motion. I see the mistakes I made and how if I just decided to do one thing differently, this would all been different. I need to oepn up...I need to talk to someone...why was I the last person he spoke to...all the things running through my mind...the things on that day that only I know because I was out there with him...and despite what anyone says...I will always see it as my fault...
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