Wasted Efforts
There is beauty inside of everyone. I especially learned that at a young age. When you are a fat kid growing up, you learn that everyone sees you differently. At an age when immaturity is the norm, and people judge you based on the way you look, or your size, you learn to grow a hard exterior and block anything that will harm you. You learn that because you aren't skinny or the best looking, that you are special and you see the beauty that you posess, and you see it in others as well. The little awkward kid who had a big heart. The shy kid with a smile that can brighten the room when she did smile which wasn't very often. The cool kid who was vulnerable when he wasn't the center of attention and you see that he is just like you for that split second. The bully who punks you, but is the best friend that you ever had in your life.
I grew up seeing and finding the good in everyone. Maybe that is why I got along with everyone. Despite others finding a reason to dislike me, or pick on me, or make fun of me, I still found the good, and they probably saw that I was a good person with a great personality...but at such a young age, no one cared to look for what made me beautiful inside. I think that because I find the beauty inside of everyone that it has passed on to the people who I like as well.
I have liked many people and many times people have told me that the person who I like is not that pretty. In my eyes they are. I guess now that I am older, I have grown out of my awkwardness and grown used to or grown into my looks, and lost weight. Maybe it is because my friends see me and know me and to them I am not a bad looking guy because I am not, but I know that if I was hanging out at a mall or hanging out at a party or whatever, I would not be the person a girl would be all like "DAMN!" over. And I know that. I know I don't have the initial looks to attract a girl.
For me, I have to put myself out there and show them that I have personality, I am a nice guy, etc. And most of the time I become too much of a friend for anything to happen. But that still doesn't prevent me from liking people who I see as pretty, beautiful, gorgeous despite it is not what everyone else sees. I look for more than just a pretty face. Though having one wouldn't hurt, but even if I did like a girl with a pretty face, I would not even fathom to go for it or even let that girl know I like her. In my mind there is no chance, which means I really need to work on my self-esteem.
The thing about liking someone who my friends don't think is the prettiest girl for me, is that I do not want to disappoint them and as stupid as it sounds, I shouldn't care cuz as long as I am happy is all that matters and they will be happy for me no matter who I get with even if she has a 6th toe or a hump or a limp or is ugly. They want the best for me and have high hopes and expectations for me, and I if I don't meet them, then it seems thatI have disappointed them.
I live my life for my happiness, but it is kinda hard not to think of what they think especially since I hold them so close to my life.
Funny thing, I am not the only one who has gone through a nerdy, awkward phase in my life. That's not the funny part. The funny part is that I have liked many girls while they were in their awkward phase. I never had the guts to tell them. And I know that I blew a chance at a relationship with some. And it makes me sad, well not sad, but just kicking myself over and over again for not going for it, cuz some of them grew out of it and blossomed.
An example is that I liked a girl who liked to shop and everyhing when she had glasses and was kinda nerdy and just a bit awkward and everything. I have liked her for quite a while. We would talk and everything and have fun when we went out. She was cute and everything, but she was just in her awkward phase. She is with a guy now, who paid her no attention when she was in her nerdy awkward phase. I saw her as pretty regardless. She slowly started to grow out of everything. Got contacts, got some make up, dressed better and everything. I saw her transform from nerdy girl to fashionable woman right in front of my eyes. And once that happened, the people who didn't give her a second glace were chasing after her. I am happy for her, but it's like, "WTF...I liked you and was there for you when no one else was...and now just like that, someone better looking comes along and poof, i'm out of the picture." *sigh* Sometimes I wonder why I even try...
I just want to find someone who sees something in me that no one else sees and can see me from the inside. Look past my looks and likes me for me. When I find that person, it's over...I won't let go. =Þ
There is beauty inside of everyone. I especially learned that at a young age. When you are a fat kid growing up, you learn that everyone sees you differently. At an age when immaturity is the norm, and people judge you based on the way you look, or your size, you learn to grow a hard exterior and block anything that will harm you. You learn that because you aren't skinny or the best looking, that you are special and you see the beauty that you posess, and you see it in others as well. The little awkward kid who had a big heart. The shy kid with a smile that can brighten the room when she did smile which wasn't very often. The cool kid who was vulnerable when he wasn't the center of attention and you see that he is just like you for that split second. The bully who punks you, but is the best friend that you ever had in your life.
I grew up seeing and finding the good in everyone. Maybe that is why I got along with everyone. Despite others finding a reason to dislike me, or pick on me, or make fun of me, I still found the good, and they probably saw that I was a good person with a great personality...but at such a young age, no one cared to look for what made me beautiful inside. I think that because I find the beauty inside of everyone that it has passed on to the people who I like as well.
I have liked many people and many times people have told me that the person who I like is not that pretty. In my eyes they are. I guess now that I am older, I have grown out of my awkwardness and grown used to or grown into my looks, and lost weight. Maybe it is because my friends see me and know me and to them I am not a bad looking guy because I am not, but I know that if I was hanging out at a mall or hanging out at a party or whatever, I would not be the person a girl would be all like "DAMN!" over. And I know that. I know I don't have the initial looks to attract a girl.
For me, I have to put myself out there and show them that I have personality, I am a nice guy, etc. And most of the time I become too much of a friend for anything to happen. But that still doesn't prevent me from liking people who I see as pretty, beautiful, gorgeous despite it is not what everyone else sees. I look for more than just a pretty face. Though having one wouldn't hurt, but even if I did like a girl with a pretty face, I would not even fathom to go for it or even let that girl know I like her. In my mind there is no chance, which means I really need to work on my self-esteem.
The thing about liking someone who my friends don't think is the prettiest girl for me, is that I do not want to disappoint them and as stupid as it sounds, I shouldn't care cuz as long as I am happy is all that matters and they will be happy for me no matter who I get with even if she has a 6th toe or a hump or a limp or is ugly. They want the best for me and have high hopes and expectations for me, and I if I don't meet them, then it seems thatI have disappointed them.
I live my life for my happiness, but it is kinda hard not to think of what they think especially since I hold them so close to my life.
Funny thing, I am not the only one who has gone through a nerdy, awkward phase in my life. That's not the funny part. The funny part is that I have liked many girls while they were in their awkward phase. I never had the guts to tell them. And I know that I blew a chance at a relationship with some. And it makes me sad, well not sad, but just kicking myself over and over again for not going for it, cuz some of them grew out of it and blossomed.
An example is that I liked a girl who liked to shop and everyhing when she had glasses and was kinda nerdy and just a bit awkward and everything. I have liked her for quite a while. We would talk and everything and have fun when we went out. She was cute and everything, but she was just in her awkward phase. She is with a guy now, who paid her no attention when she was in her nerdy awkward phase. I saw her as pretty regardless. She slowly started to grow out of everything. Got contacts, got some make up, dressed better and everything. I saw her transform from nerdy girl to fashionable woman right in front of my eyes. And once that happened, the people who didn't give her a second glace were chasing after her. I am happy for her, but it's like, "WTF...I liked you and was there for you when no one else was...and now just like that, someone better looking comes along and poof, i'm out of the picture." *sigh* Sometimes I wonder why I even try...
I just want to find someone who sees something in me that no one else sees and can see me from the inside. Look past my looks and likes me for me. When I find that person, it's over...I won't let go. =Þ
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