heartless

one of my brothers' friends recently passed away. no details about it, but from what i heard he went to together as one for new years and i guess ate a bad pill of e. he went to the hospital but never recovered. what a way to start the new year. he was a good guy. i did not know him that well, he used to come over my house a lot back in the day. from what i heard he was getting his life straight and doing well and something like this happens. what sucks is that he is leaving behind three children and a wife or girlfriend who i was aquainted with like him. its a pretty messed up story and honestly i feel sad and bad that it happened.

however, this guy is not even related to me, he was just one of my brothers' friend. and this might sound messed up but it gets me to think about my family and my brother. i have a two brothers, one step brother and one biological brother. my biological brother is kind of messed up right now, yet i feel no remorse or sympathy for him. he's been a victim to a life of drugs and i see him day in and day out at home, walking around the neighborhood, laughing at nothing....and i can't help to feel angry. just little annoying things he does sparks anger in me that i never thought i could feel. do i hate him? maybe...i am not sure. he is blood, yet i felt more emotion when my friend passed away, when my brothers' friend passed away, when i hear bad things on the news.

am i heartless? i feel as i am. but no one will truly understand me because i don't let them. i don't give them a chance to understand my situation because as long as i smile and say and pretend everything is okay, well...everything is. and everything is okay. it's just some days that i am left to dwell on things that puts things into perspective. i am not making excuses for myself because i lived a hard life, but i just can't seem to allow myself to talk about things. and i know why i am angry at my brother, i get a sense of why i have this hatred toward him but it doesn't matter. i just hold it in and avoid him. it's gotten so bad that i imagine the day that he passes...overdoses or something and i will feel nothing. i know that i will feel nothing, so i guess that makes me heartless...