23 Years Passed: I Feel Like a Failure
I am 23. Two decades plus 3 years old. I look at my life and see that I have accomplished nothing. It is now 2007 and I reflect back upon my life and see that I am still stuck in the same town I grew up in. Still living in my parent's house...still stuck in school, not achieving much. I am in school and barely doing average. I know C's get degrees, but what if I want to go to graduate school later on in life? How great of a chance will I have with all of my C's. I messsed up in school, and now I see that I will be paying for it in the future.
I need to get more serious with school. I mean sure, I can do well without studying. This semester I got one A, two B's(one B+), and C+ on my grades without studying, reading, and doing all paper and projects last minute, like the night before it is due and at times the morning right before it was due. Pretty snazzy right? Only I got an F and taht really dropped my G.P.A. down a lot. So instead of getting a 3.00+, my G.P.A. is somewhere along the lines of a 2.3+...I can say that I will study more and read and yadda yadda yadda, but that so far, has gotten me in the same place I am right now.
I know I am barely 23, and I have the rest of my life to worry about moving out of the house and about my future and my aspirations after getting my Bachelor's, but I look at myself and I wonder how much have I really changed? I do not see much of anything when I look at myself. I want to give up on school. I really do, even though I can finish it soon, but I really feel like giving up. Only because I am in school to get a degree for my parents. For my brothers, my past teachers, and now for my friends, because they are all doing it too. I don't know when this wide-eyed(just an expression because we know my eyes don't get that wide) little kid with the motivation and love for school turned into a cynical "I can just get by, by doing the minimum work possible" guy. I honestly dislike school and I have been there for 5 years already. Five years and although I am labeled as a Senior, I still have two more years to go, hopefully if all goes well and as planned. I already have gotten two F's in the past two semesters. And with that I honestly feel like I did Fail.
And now it is 2007, and I see everyone graduating. This seems to be the year for everyone. John La, Chen, Truong, Thao, Va, Vickie, Channy, Anna, Chris...it is like what the f**k have I been doing? I mean I could have graduated by now. I always make jokes about me not graduating until 2010, but deep down inside I was really sad because it probably would be that way. Everyone says, take your time, but I just want to get it over with. Even though I will get my Bachelor's, I will still think I will have failed. Most of my close group of friends will have graduated this year. Most of my friends taht I have made in Fullerton will be gone(or are already gone since our semester is over in May). And I will still be there...
Even after I get my Bachelor's, I still don't know what I want to do or what I will be doing. I still am as clueless about what I want to do now then when I first got to CSUF, if not more. I see my friends knowing what they want to do. J.T. going to pharmacy school in Nevada, Truong still going into medical, David still going into business...and then there's me. Lost somewhere in the middle.
This is so uncharacteristic of me, worrying about school. I always give off a nonchalant feeling towards school, but I do care. I want to get out, but I do care. I just wish that I had all the answers. I wish I would stop feeling the way I do, because I know that I will finish school to get a degree. I just can't help feeling like a failure...in everything...in school...in love...in life.
I am 23. Two decades plus 3 years old. I look at my life and see that I have accomplished nothing. It is now 2007 and I reflect back upon my life and see that I am still stuck in the same town I grew up in. Still living in my parent's house...still stuck in school, not achieving much. I am in school and barely doing average. I know C's get degrees, but what if I want to go to graduate school later on in life? How great of a chance will I have with all of my C's. I messsed up in school, and now I see that I will be paying for it in the future.
I need to get more serious with school. I mean sure, I can do well without studying. This semester I got one A, two B's(one B+), and C+ on my grades without studying, reading, and doing all paper and projects last minute, like the night before it is due and at times the morning right before it was due. Pretty snazzy right? Only I got an F and taht really dropped my G.P.A. down a lot. So instead of getting a 3.00+, my G.P.A. is somewhere along the lines of a 2.3+...I can say that I will study more and read and yadda yadda yadda, but that so far, has gotten me in the same place I am right now.
I know I am barely 23, and I have the rest of my life to worry about moving out of the house and about my future and my aspirations after getting my Bachelor's, but I look at myself and I wonder how much have I really changed? I do not see much of anything when I look at myself. I want to give up on school. I really do, even though I can finish it soon, but I really feel like giving up. Only because I am in school to get a degree for my parents. For my brothers, my past teachers, and now for my friends, because they are all doing it too. I don't know when this wide-eyed(just an expression because we know my eyes don't get that wide) little kid with the motivation and love for school turned into a cynical "I can just get by, by doing the minimum work possible" guy. I honestly dislike school and I have been there for 5 years already. Five years and although I am labeled as a Senior, I still have two more years to go, hopefully if all goes well and as planned. I already have gotten two F's in the past two semesters. And with that I honestly feel like I did Fail.
And now it is 2007, and I see everyone graduating. This seems to be the year for everyone. John La, Chen, Truong, Thao, Va, Vickie, Channy, Anna, Chris...it is like what the f**k have I been doing? I mean I could have graduated by now. I always make jokes about me not graduating until 2010, but deep down inside I was really sad because it probably would be that way. Everyone says, take your time, but I just want to get it over with. Even though I will get my Bachelor's, I will still think I will have failed. Most of my close group of friends will have graduated this year. Most of my friends taht I have made in Fullerton will be gone(or are already gone since our semester is over in May). And I will still be there...
Even after I get my Bachelor's, I still don't know what I want to do or what I will be doing. I still am as clueless about what I want to do now then when I first got to CSUF, if not more. I see my friends knowing what they want to do. J.T. going to pharmacy school in Nevada, Truong still going into medical, David still going into business...and then there's me. Lost somewhere in the middle.
This is so uncharacteristic of me, worrying about school. I always give off a nonchalant feeling towards school, but I do care. I want to get out, but I do care. I just wish that I had all the answers. I wish I would stop feeling the way I do, because I know that I will finish school to get a degree. I just can't help feeling like a failure...in everything...in school...in love...in life.
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