Depressed
I have accomplished a lot in my life since the last time I posted an entry on here. I have changed in a lot of ways and tend to be an optimist in my life. I choose to see the glass as half full, rather than half empty. I finally graduated from college and got my Bachelor degree. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years 3 months with no arguments or fights. We do have minor disagreements, but nothing too serious. I have great friends in my life who I know would take a bullet for me. So why on the last day of the year do I feel so depressed?
I have always had a bad sleeping schedule. I sleep late, and wake up early. This was usually due to the fact that I had some sort of homework or essay to do and procrastinated until the very last minute to complete it, and I had an early class the next morning. Sometimes I would stay up all night and then not get any sleep while going to class, but now I am free from school right now, yet my sleep schedule has gotten worse. I have never stayed up so late for so many consecutive days. I have not slept yet as I am typing this up. Why am I so depressed? I don't know. I cannot pinpoint it, but I do know that it is because of my depression that my sleep is being affected by it.
I have been on unemployment since the beginning of January. It almost has been a year since I have been on unemployment. At first, it was the best thing ever! Get paid to "look for jobs!" If you don't find one, you still have a source of income coming in to get the bills paid. My friend told me he was depressed that he was receiving EDD. I questioned him, "WHY?!?!" I have been receiving it for the past 4-5 months when he started receiving it, and he was sick of it already? And then it started hitting me. I was barely getting by on EDD. This wasn't the life I wanted. It was convenient for me to receive EDD while I was still in school, but now that I was done with it and graduated, real life was the next step, but with this down economy, finding a job is hard. I been looking and applied for jobs that I was not even qualified for. What was a Psych major going to do at a job in a bank or a credit union? I had interviews. I applied for a job at the place where I interned for a class. I did not get it. I was considered for a job at a bank being a teller...I was not accepted to work there. I applied to be a host at a restaurant, and despite my optimism and great customer service, I am still unemployed.
What the hell? I know I cannot be that bad of a worker, why won't anyone give me a chance? And with the rejections, my self-esteem began to lower. I have experience, I have skills...I have a freaking degree! But I am not even getting jobs that do not even require one. I apply to places and do not get called back for whatever reason. "You need more experience." Well then give me some and hire me! I am not so desperate to apply to fast food places or to some minimum wage job. Who knows what will happen if I get rejected working there? But in my situation, I am getting there. Being on unemployment, not finding a job, getting rejected from jobs I applied to, seeing friends going out all the time and having a good time living life and not being able to do the same. Seeing friends pitch in to get gifts for each other and having them assume that I helped pitch in hurts. I am unable to attend events, like going to a New Year's Eve event at a club or going to Vegas because I am broke. My friends are going to Vegas to celebrate all the January birthdays and I cannot go cuz I do not have money to pay for the rooms and have no spending money whatsoever even if I get to stay for free. Not being able to go out on dates with my girlfriend, and being able to buy her useless, sweet things. Not even being able to buy her useful things. It isn't about the money, but more about my self-worth. My self-worth as a member of society. My self-worth as a boyfriend. My self-worth as a freaking human being. What I see is that I am worth nothing. And it pisses me off. I know I am worth something, but if this keeps going on, I am going to start believing it. I need a reason to go to sleep. I need a reason to wake up because I feel one day I won't.
I have accomplished a lot in my life since the last time I posted an entry on here. I have changed in a lot of ways and tend to be an optimist in my life. I choose to see the glass as half full, rather than half empty. I finally graduated from college and got my Bachelor degree. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years 3 months with no arguments or fights. We do have minor disagreements, but nothing too serious. I have great friends in my life who I know would take a bullet for me. So why on the last day of the year do I feel so depressed?
I have always had a bad sleeping schedule. I sleep late, and wake up early. This was usually due to the fact that I had some sort of homework or essay to do and procrastinated until the very last minute to complete it, and I had an early class the next morning. Sometimes I would stay up all night and then not get any sleep while going to class, but now I am free from school right now, yet my sleep schedule has gotten worse. I have never stayed up so late for so many consecutive days. I have not slept yet as I am typing this up. Why am I so depressed? I don't know. I cannot pinpoint it, but I do know that it is because of my depression that my sleep is being affected by it.
I have been on unemployment since the beginning of January. It almost has been a year since I have been on unemployment. At first, it was the best thing ever! Get paid to "look for jobs!" If you don't find one, you still have a source of income coming in to get the bills paid. My friend told me he was depressed that he was receiving EDD. I questioned him, "WHY?!?!" I have been receiving it for the past 4-5 months when he started receiving it, and he was sick of it already? And then it started hitting me. I was barely getting by on EDD. This wasn't the life I wanted. It was convenient for me to receive EDD while I was still in school, but now that I was done with it and graduated, real life was the next step, but with this down economy, finding a job is hard. I been looking and applied for jobs that I was not even qualified for. What was a Psych major going to do at a job in a bank or a credit union? I had interviews. I applied for a job at the place where I interned for a class. I did not get it. I was considered for a job at a bank being a teller...I was not accepted to work there. I applied to be a host at a restaurant, and despite my optimism and great customer service, I am still unemployed.
What the hell? I know I cannot be that bad of a worker, why won't anyone give me a chance? And with the rejections, my self-esteem began to lower. I have experience, I have skills...I have a freaking degree! But I am not even getting jobs that do not even require one. I apply to places and do not get called back for whatever reason. "You need more experience." Well then give me some and hire me! I am not so desperate to apply to fast food places or to some minimum wage job. Who knows what will happen if I get rejected working there? But in my situation, I am getting there. Being on unemployment, not finding a job, getting rejected from jobs I applied to, seeing friends going out all the time and having a good time living life and not being able to do the same. Seeing friends pitch in to get gifts for each other and having them assume that I helped pitch in hurts. I am unable to attend events, like going to a New Year's Eve event at a club or going to Vegas because I am broke. My friends are going to Vegas to celebrate all the January birthdays and I cannot go cuz I do not have money to pay for the rooms and have no spending money whatsoever even if I get to stay for free. Not being able to go out on dates with my girlfriend, and being able to buy her useless, sweet things. Not even being able to buy her useful things. It isn't about the money, but more about my self-worth. My self-worth as a member of society. My self-worth as a boyfriend. My self-worth as a freaking human being. What I see is that I am worth nothing. And it pisses me off. I know I am worth something, but if this keeps going on, I am going to start believing it. I need a reason to go to sleep. I need a reason to wake up because I feel one day I won't.
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