There has been too much shyet running through my mind as of lately. I have tried to live my life after everything, and I found out, that everything is so worthless. I don't have the drive I used to have for school. I don't want to go to school anymore. This weekend has been full of breaking down. Saturday, we had a hot pot for TittyBallz, and then went to the mall. Titty, Thao, Jessica, and I worked on the special Mother's Day present for Roy's mom. After I went home, I felt like crap, and I had a major breakdown. On Sunday, I stayed home and didn't do anything. I had another major breakdown. And then Thao called me up to go to Jessica's house to present the Mother's Day present to Roy's mom. I was crying the whole way there...Everything is so messed up now. I don't know what to do...and now school isn't even interesting to me anymore...I didn't go today, and it is almost over and I don't feel like even finishing it...I dropped 3 clases all ready, and I only have 2 classes to work with...it doesn't matter...I want to open up to people, I wanted to open up to Thao, Jessica, Candy, Truong, Joanne, or anyone, but whenever I see them, I just can't mention anything. In my eyes, I still see them blaming me for everything. Everyone has told me it's no ones fault, but I know the truth. I was there...I know it was my fault...

Whoever knows me, knows that I have not let out that much of my feelings about everything. I just bottle it up and it is killing me to live life daily. I want to...believe me I do...but I just can't. I wanted to go to Rose Hills today...to finally talk with Roy. To let him know everything, but I didn't want to bother David. He went to school. Kaymi called me up today and asked if I wanted to go with her...I declined. What is wrong with me? I haven't visit Roy since the Funeral...since he was buried, and I have the chance to go and I want to, but I don't. I am the worst friend to everyone. I want to just stay at home and lock myself in my room. I hate my home, I hate myself, but I don't do that, cuz I have friends who care for me, and I don't want them to worry about me. So I just push aside everything and just go out. It's hard to stay home, becuase we plan so much stuff. I mean just this upcoming week, I have the talent show to go to, watch the matrix: reloaded, worry about the play, prom is on friday, so is Roy's b-day, and then wango tango on saturday. Then next week is my giggleberri's b-day and we going clubbing fo her..I can't get a break to myself. The fact is, I want to do all these things, and plus I have school to attend to. Life was hard as it was without eerything running in my mind..now life jsut seems unbearable..and useless...

I guess I hae to let some things out fo my system so I am creating a new Blogger...if anyone wants to read, go to www.missingroy.blogspot.com