I think that I need some time to myself...as hard as it may be to just be by myself and face everything on my own, I think it is best for me. Ever since everything has happened, everyone has been asking me to go out and do something, and I go out and do it. I guess it is just easier to be with other people...it gets your mind off of everything, but I think that is the thing that you do not want to do...get your mind off of things...get your mind off of Roy...I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions, and I don't know...things just aren't normal...I mean I know that I didn't spend that much time with Roy when he was here. We'd see eachother at occasional get togethers, and stuff, so life should be the same right? Wrong...it's the fact that he isn't here. The fact that I can't just walk to his house to pick up something or to go print out my report or anything. I can't just call him up and say "wussup" whenever I rarely did. No more talking about girls and bashing them on how they screwed us over and ripped our hearts out of our @$$(before Thao came along)...no more Magic Cards...no more just listening to car talk because I was never into that stuff...I took his presence for granted. I guess I just always assumed that he would be there..two blocks away. I am a bad friend. I mean he lived so close to me and yet I didn't attempt to see him. I don't know if I can even be considered one of his best friends...i guess the only thing that qualifies me is the fact that I have known him since Kindergarden. He called me a brother...but what kind of brother would be responsible for his passing? I barely pass for a friend...

I get so mad at myself, because I cannot do anything to help me cope with everything...I used to write poems whenever anything bugged me, but I can't even seem to do that. I can't draw, make a site, write a poem, write a story...nothing...I am even surprised I could even talk. I am still in disbelief. I remember the first day after, I didn't sleep, didn't eat, didn't even drink a sip of water. Everyone came down to my house, which never happened, and were worried about me. Wanting me to eat, sleep, drink something....I felt guilty...felt guilty to do any of those things...Why was I getting the attention when I made it? I didn't want it..I just wanted to be alone...But I never really got my chance to just deal with everything alone. There was always something to do, someplace to go...people to kick it with. I still feel guilty now, but I am able to do regular things like eat, and stuff. But the questions always run through my head, and mind...Why am I so lucky to take another bite to eat? Why do I get to drink water to survive? Why is it me who gets to breathe another breath of fresh air? But people worried about me..so to let them not worry about me, I did what they wanted. I was a dummy and they were my vantriliquist. Jump Johnson, I'd jump. Talk Johnson, I'd talk. Go out Johnson, I'd go out...Jump off the cliff Johnson, and I'd probably do that as well. Now I am facing this alone. It is hard and it hurts...but I feel that it is something that I just have to do. It may be another worthless attempt at healing, which it probably is because people say you have to talk about things in order for it to get better...i don't know how. I still wonder why it wasn't me? I was with him in the waters...How did I have enough power to make it to shore? What the fuck am I still here for? He is so much better than I am, yet I get to live in my life that I hate...while he doesn't get to live in the life he loved so much? I don't get it...Sucide has crossed the mind many times. I just don't do it because I seen how friends are about losing Roy...I don't want them to worry about me or grieve over me as well. That is why if they say jump, I'll jump so they don't have to worry about me. If I was able to smile and laugh while I was out with friends, I felt guilt...How could I have fun while he was gone...missing...not here with us? I assumed it was cuz I am a bad person, friend. I don't know how to feel anymore...I regret not going up and saying my last few word to him at the time befoer his funeral...i guess that is a regret I'll have to live with for the rest of my life...life...that is a funny thing...rest of my life...how sad....