My condolences goes out to the families who have lost someone or their home due to the many fires blazing in Southern California. It is really sad to have lost some people due to a fire that was probably started by an arsonist. Gay...

work tiring...got work at 1PM...til 6PM...ai yah..

Oh I got a job at Edward's Theater @ Alhambra. Edward's Rennisance Stadium 14. Hurray...I have joined to work force!!! It is fun so far...good good...Candy is my boss....but whatevers...its all good

Right now, I am at school. Waiting for the clock to hit 4:00PM. The first study group session will then begin, and then I teach til 6. They leave and then the second group arrives. How fun. Stayed up all night making the Wheel of Fortune Spinning Wheel and the Jeopardy board. Then stayed up and made a worksheet and then had to write out the questions for Jeopardy. Hope this study group is a success and fun for everyone who shows up. Dang I got here early. Thought there would be traffic so I left at 2:30PM. Sounds decent considering I drove by myself and had no carpool. I got here at 3PM. 30 minutes...what the heck?!?! Oh wellz got a whole hour to kill before the first session led by me starts...bye

Rosa-still friends...resolved everything...Carrow's Run are the best!!! Love ya Rosuto!

Julie-Thanks for the talk, and stuff...Next Saturday....

Ant-Thanks for coming over and talking...no thanks for the groping and raping...oh and if you ever come near me with that stun gun....you will die!! (After I regain consciousness) [sp?] LOL

Last entry was just me feeling useless...i dont know...

Lotta shit happened in such a short amount of time.

Drove to Riverside to see Rosa for her Bday

Friday had a midterm for History, but the teacher never showed up...

Went out with friends...to chill...Rosa not my friend anymore...

Brother tried to commit suicide. Got sent to hospital.

Family not getting better, and this incident just made it worse.

But it is not like you ever ask me how I am or ask me why I am not happy today...so its not like you would know about anything going on in my life right? Cuz I am not worth asking "How was your day?" I guess I am not even worth four words..not that much breath is it? It's okay though, cuz I am not a good friend just cuz I don't call or anything...because its not like I got anything else going on in my life right? I understand now...its not like my life is important..i am just a bitcher and whiner...and like although I put others before me and the one time i decide to take time to myself, I should still put others before me cuz who am I to take some time for myself. Who am I to actually like give an hour or so on a 24 hour day spent on myself? Let alone a week or two. But that is right..I am nobody, so I don't even deserve time for myself...I gotta do everything for others..that is what makes my life worthwhile right? I should just suck in whatever is bothering me and not show any emotion....so that is who i AM!!! Thanks for making it so clear everyone...since none of you give a fuck bout me anyways....ITS GOOD TO KNOW THAT IF I TAKE SOME TIME FOR MYSELF I AM THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD!!! EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKEN CRYSTAL CLEAR NOW!!! THANKS EVERYONE!!!

1. Gotta give the manager of Edwards my Work Experience/Volunteer past Employer.DONE

I only got Volunteer expereince...gotta do that today. I don't think I did that well on the interview. But hopefully I will get the job... :-\

School...Midterms coming up. Today was a good day. Arrived late to class cuz of stupid SIG Alert and like mean traffic til Hacienda on the 60E. But we had a Jeopardy Review Day, so i didn't miss much, went in and participated. My team won. We got 3 points extra credit on the Midterm. Hurray! Then got back my History Test that I took like 2 weeks ago, and like I said it, I ACED that MO FO!!! 99 out of 100!!! Damn one point deduction for not writing in who was the founder of the KKK. GAY!! No one cares!! LOL...oh wellz.

Chinese, I had a quiz. Even though, the study group got cancelled, and like I didn't really study this Lesson, I feel I got an A on the quiz. It was fairly easy and based onthe assignement we worked on during the weekend. Midterm is next Wednesday and trust me, a lot of information. So I am planning a Game Show Study Session next. Hopefully it will work.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSA PHUNGUS!!!
Today is my buddie Rosa aka Lobo's Birthday. That is her day of birth! Hope you have a fun and great birthday. Hope you did well on your midterms as well too. So like wow...Lobo has now reached the pivotal age of 19. Actually there is nothing pivotal about it, but it jsut sounds nice. Dude, me and this gurl have been through so much shyet. She is one cool chick, though bossy and violent towards me, butyeha she is one of my best friend.s Always there to wake my @$$ up in the freaking morning, and always there to punch me if I take her water balloons. But we have fun and we are still friends despite the talk of her never wanting to keep in touch with anyone after high school. We have so much retarded things with eachother....Rosuto and Johnkashi...Lobo and Jobo...Supa Shroomie and OB Freak(Tampon Freak)...and the most weridest...Rosa and Johnson. LOL. It has been an interesting, fun and great like 5-6 years that I have known you. Hope to spend many more years with ya buddie! =)

Got a job interview today to work at Edwards Rennaisance Theatre in Alhambra on Main and Garfield at 7:00PM. Hurray!!!! I might finally get a job! And then this will be the first step in me getting the hell outta my house!

but....

I also have a Chinese Study Gruop today as well. For the past two weeks, there have been study groups every Tuesday and I set them up and help others who need it. That is at 5:30PM-10:00PM...I will probably still go but towards the end. That just ruins the plans I had for the study group. I am conflicted...I don't know what to do. I don't want to bail on my study group. but then I don't want to miss out on this job interview. I might have the chance to go work with my Giggleberri. And like now when I give her butt a ride, I can go to work as well!! LOL... I also could work with Cindy as well. So hurray for that. What to do..What to do....

Scary thought....if i get the job, Candy going to be my boss....WHOA... =O

To be continued.........

Everyday that passes by is just another day in which I just feel lonlier and lonlier.

Sure, lately, I have been going out, doing things with other people, but the lonliness I feel still stays with me. It just lingers on and drags you down. I have been feeling like this for a long time now, just hoping it would just go away. Thought that if I go out and be more social that this feeling will disappear. It hasn't. Maybe it is there because I haven't experienced love or been in a relationship for quite a while, I don't know. I just know that it is there.

I remember when I was younger, I was girl crazy. Liked almost every girl I got to know, (not really but it sure felt that way) and like I guess I just wanted to get the sense of emotions and feelings that two people in a relationship share. It was hard because all of my friends had girlfriends, and they were all hooked up on these long relationships...the thing that I always wanted, yet I never got. My relationships last only like a month or two. And that kinda made me feel empty as well, lonely...what was I doing wrong? I know my looks and size had a part in it. I am not the skinniest person nor am I the best looking. So I know that it has been preventing me from anything. Also because I feel like this...that has also played a part in it as well.

I have always had low self-esteem. I still do. I don't think that will ever change. During High School, I was quite popular. Many people knew me and I hung around many different groups, trying to find a group I could fit into. But I never did truly find a group. I just met a lot more people who liked my personality and fed me the compliments I always seeked. If I didn't get it from one group, I would get it from another.

"Johnson, you rock!"
"Johnson, you are so nice!"
"You are one of the coolest person I know"
"You are a sexy beast"

But they are just words. They make you feel nice for a while...sure, I don't deny that, but then afterwards it makes me think...if I really am what they say I am to be, then why can't I find anyone? Why doesn't anyone find me? If I am such a great catch, then why am I still here alone, and stressing about this stuff? I know that you shouldn't go looking for it, that it will just come to you, but I feel that if I don't look for it, it will never come, especially someone like me. I look at myself and see nothing. That is what I am...I have no self-worth. And if anyone is actually dumb enough to like me, then I better not let that chance slip away from me. "This could be my only chance!" It's not like girls like me everyday ya know?

I don't look, but when I do, I don't do anything when I find someone. I guess I like people way out of my league. At least in my eyes, everyone that I like is way out of my league. So I don't do anything about it. I am really stupid when it comes to signs as well. I don't see them. Mainly because I don't think that girls flirt with me, so unless you hold up a sign in neon lights flashing "I LIKE YOU!!!" I won't get the hint. I used to be girl crazy now not that many girls interest me.

But some of them do, and like I don't tell anyone that I like someone. One of my friends always tries to get me to hook up with someone. Like he will mention that I should hit people up or like get to know someone a lil closer, just stuff like that. I always laugh it off and I know he is just messing. But it bothers me still...Maybe I should. Maybe one person who I am so shy to talk to could actually like me back and then I could finally get the relationship I want. HA! That is some really wishful thinking! I can't even make friends at CSUF. School is lonely. I am secluded to myself, and I an not one of those people who can just spark up a conversation, even though I appear to be one of those people, outgoing, not afarid of acting dumb, etc. I just am not able to. What am I suppose to say? How's the weather? What's your schedule? I might as well just walk up to them and just say "BE MY FRIEND!" It is hard to make friends when you don't talk. And no one ever walks up and just starts talking to me. No one wants to be my friend. I started a Chinese Study Group to maybe get to know some people in my chinese class and help them along the way as well. It is working and I have met people, but none that I would like really go out with or talk to on the phone. It is just business, and I put a lot of effort into it and like I get compliments...one of my classmates said I am nice and everything for doing that study group, and others agreed. That is about it. Nothing else. I see the people in my Chinese class talking to eachother. Like everyone found one person that they are able to talk to more than others. And I don't have that. I am just known as the guy who puts the Study Group together. How nice....

I prefer to have good freinds who I can talk to things about and ya know build a frienship and stuff, rather than have liek 20-30 aquaintances. So far that is all I have made in school, aquaintances, which is good networking, but still, I'd rather have like one friend in every class that I can talk to, relate things to, chat things up with. I did make one my freshman year frist semester. Her name is Ashley and we met because we had two same classes together. We just ended up losing contact. Different school scedules etc. And I noticed that I am a lot less talkative now then I was back then. I don't talk as much and like I don't talk on the phone. Holding eerything in has just been the thing for me. I used to love talking on the phone, I was open would talk about anything and everything. Now I noticed that I don't open up. I am boring, and it shows. No one ever calls me on my phone, very rarely does someone IM me to chat. I always seem to be IMing other people. I have nothing left to say anymore. And like when people do call me, I tend to be whatevers about it. I give off one word answers, and there are long awkward pauses and stuff, so I am just tellilng people to leave me alone. I don't know what is wrong with me.

There are a few people that I am interested in. I just will never be able to tell them. I can't even talk to them. When I like someone, I think they are the most beautiful girl in the world. That they are too pretty for me. Way out of my league. They are like way up there and I am way down there, so there is no use in me even talking to them and getting to know them. And I know that they will never like me back, so why even bother. I am Mr. Sunshine right? But this contradicts what I present myself outside. I am going through a lot of crap in my family life, with my social life, my love life and lack there of, and jsut internaly with myself. Lately, I don't know when, I have had this optimistic attitude towards things. It even shows when I talk to people. I, Mr. Pessimistic, am all happy, and cheerful, and finding the good in things, and passing my happy advice to others, when I know that I am not like that. But i did notice that people like me more as Mr. Optimist rather than Mr. Pessimist. When I help others with their problems, I always tell them to look for the bright side and point some of them out. And they always are like, "I admire you Johnson, even though you have so much stuff going on in your life, you are still able to have this happy outlook and like always look for the bright side." It is all an act. Fact is, people will repsond to you better if you are happy or faking to be happy rather than being sad.

I have a lot of problems and alot of issues. I don't ever think I will ever get out of this lonliness bit, or my lack of self-confidence. I won't ever have the guts to talk to a girl I like or tell her that I am interested or like her. I have a lot to work on and improvment on myself, and I don't even think I can fix it.

At Hsin's Apt right now...

Johnson is at MIKE's apartment right now. And he is sitting here, on the computer, like a loser. Who goes to a party and sits at a computer and posts on his journal? I dont know.. I really dont. Johnson Changy perhaps? Yeah thats right. Johnson says I'm the loser, but he is so wrong, because I am the winner. I won many rounds of 13 tonight. Thats right. John is asleep on Jay's bed, and people are doing stuff and stuff. Yep good stuff.

That was my friend Yung typing. So she is the real loser, since she was at the computer typing that out...so I am not the only one! Haha...Anyways...this party thing is okay. I beat her in more rounds of 13 but I'll let her believe what she wants to. So back to the party...or shall i say..PAR-TAY!!!! Missing out everyone!!!

Haven't updated on here for a while. School has been taking up most of my time. Well Hell week is over. And the results are in for everything. Starting with History...well I took my 2nd quiz (results on wenesday) I did my 5 page report on Roughing It, and I got it back today. I got a 17 out of 20...in other words...89/100 B+. So far so good in that class. Next up Chinese. I two quizzes came back...the one I took last week i got an 89. And the one I recently took on Wednesday, I got a 94! *woof woof* Hurray! I think the study group does help out. I think that when I teach others I am also learning myself, which is really good and helpful. This week we are having a dinner at one of our classmates apartment. Theme..."Dinner at Nikki's" Sort of like "Breakfast at Tiffany's" wait til you see th flyer (going towards Juju, since B@T is one of her all time fav. movies) English I recieved my first portfolio(essay) back and I got an A. Letter Grade Contract Grading System. No points. That brings me to Bio. Argh...I even studies for this subject...but personally it was jsut too much info to memorize. 6 weeks passed and we finally had our first test. 6 weeks is too long of info to remember for a 50 question 50 point test. At least I got a 30. According to her grade scale, that is a High D. Luckily I get to drop my lowest test if I show up to the other 3. So I gotta do well on those. School Stuff ends...

Been going out and chillen with people. Gone to Barnes & Nobles a couple of times. First went with Cindy and like that prepared me for the History Test. Then I went another time with my friend Julie Lam. Met her friend Mary and also saw my Lil Sis Jessica there. So that was cool...studying for Bio didnt help much I guess...but then it did cuz if i didn't study I would ahve gotten a lot more wrong. So it wasn't all a bust. Chilled with Cindy last Saturday, and like read Breakfast at Tiffany's. In my opinion better than the movie, but I still don't like it. LOL..Went out with Anthony, Henry, Tan, Sui, Tien, Rosa, and Bao last Sunday. For Bao's housewarming party..we ended up going to China town and I got a hat there for $4. (Thanks Ant) Nothing much happened after taht. Had a Study group on Tuesday. Went to Joanne's apartmet after school on Tues. Chilled went South Coast, ate and did some hw. Then got dropped off at CSUF @ 4:30ish. The study group started at 6. So I had time to kill. I finished reading A Walk To Remember. Such a good book! One of my favorites! Gotta buy that sucker when I gotz money. Went to the study group. It was a better one and more got accomplished this one than last one. Days pass...nothing...yesterday I went to get lunch with my buddies Candy and Anthony...my Giggleberri, and Gayboi....two more members of the 518 Clan, OuchgurL and Coolboi. Fatburger run!!! So good...just like we used to do back in the day...havent had a fatburger or a burger in a long time. After that...got rejected to go to B&N again with Cindy. She had company over...so later on that night we went out to go play CS. Same three members along with a 4th member of 518, yOyObOi, Jaime. That is it. Enjoy...toodaloo