Praise The Lord! What A Bunch Of BS!!!

I don't know when I stopped having faith...I don't know when I stopped believeing in the stories of God and of the Bible...I can't pinpoint the exact moment when religion felt like a sham to me. Maybe it was the time when my family life just broke down. Maybe it was the time that we stopped going to church. Or maybe it was the exact moment when one of my best friends, someone who did not deserve to go so early was taken away. But regardless, religion has never helped me cope with anything.

Maybe it could help me, I am not saying that I don't believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost. I am not saying that I don't believe in Heaven/Hell. It's just that when I see all these people praying and thanking our Heavenly Father for things...I just can't help but to think, that I have nothing to be thankful for. I was dealt a bad hand, but I know that there are many people in Htird World countries that have it worse than I do, but still, I feel that I should experience a miracle from God or something even though my life isn't as bad as the majority of the world.

I have been through so much bad stuff, and it isn't hard to think that if God fixes everything, well then he was the one who created everything as well...created my problems...the daily things that I have to deal with, since so much emphasis is put into God "guiding" people to righteousness. He did create the world in 7 days, but yet he did kill off everyone as well in a flood.

Really, I am envious of all those people who have accepted God into their heart. Who sing songs of worship because they are so religious and believe. Who look to the Bible to find meaning to their problems and their life, and who go to church for refuge. I have friends who believe in God Almighty and due to their belief, it seems like they can get through anything. I wanted to be like that...find God in my heart. It's not like I never opened it up to him. I just can't seem to do that now with all the hurt and pain that is occurring in the world. Good people having to suffer. It just isn't fair. How can we put so much emphasis on one person? One superior being?

I don't know...

It seems like everyday coincidences aren't even coincidences at all. That it was God's plan all along. But when will people accept that coincidences just happen. There doesn't have to be a reason for them happening...it just happened...hence the word COINCIDENCE. I got this email from a friend. She goes to church all the time, believe in God and everything...and I am not against it, but when they try to preach to everyone that everything has its purpose and everything happens for a reason and it is all connected to God, then I just want to scream and tell them to shut up!

Here is a small piece of the email that I recieved:
Have you ever been thinking about somebody that you haven't seen in a long time and then next thing you know you see them or receive a phone call from them? THAT'S GOD. There is no such thing as coincidence.

SO just yesterday a friend that I have never seen, and haven't talked to in a long time called me. And yes I missed them and was thinking about them, but you have got to be kidding me if you want me to believe that God arranged for her to call me at 2AM in the morning? It was because she was bored...couldn't sleep and wanted to say to me through my voicemail assuming that I was asleep. So why does God...one person who has to worry about everyone in the world, including the Third World countries who are suffering and having worse then most people decide, "I think I will have Julie call Johnson tonight since they haven't talked in such a long time." Why would my life be of such mportance when there are people starving to death, geting shot at and killed in Iraq, terrorist, and suicide bombings happening all over the world? People are dieing and suffering, yet he has the time to fix one my problems? Having a friend call me. If that is true, and that is GOD...isn't it a sad world when he has millions dieing just to connect two friends for a day? So there are coincidences...

Another phrase that irritates me is when people try to help you cope with a death or something serious and severe and they always say, "They are at a better place now...it's all a part of God's plan." Okay...for one it doesn't help...and secondly...what the fuck is his plan? Why the fuck does he have to take away good people. What does he need them for? They were doing just fine living down here, yet in his plan he decides that some people jsut have to be up there with him. IF you are out there....WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR STUPID PLAN?!?!?! WHY CAN"T WE KNOW ABOUT IT?!?! Why do you cause more problems than solutions? Why did you take away my friend...what good is he in your holy plan...

I have lost my faith in religion... I have come to learn that the stories in the Bible, are just stories... I want to be a good Christian and go to church and go on retreats anf ind myself...see if I am or could be a better person, but it is hard when something that you are suppose to believe in....ends up letting you down. I KNOW that because of Roy's passing that I have lost more faith and belief in religion...in God...in Jesus Christ...and the Holy Ghost. I still believe in God, but its hard to move on after something like that happens to you. I think it is sad how we put our life and belief in one superior being to make our decisions, and all we can do is live with it...deal with the cards that are dealt to us from the beginning...and just accept it. Maybe one day I will find religion to help me with things and maybe it will one day help me cope with things, but as of right now, I say STAND OUT...AND MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR TIME HERE...YOUR WAY...THE WAY THAT YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE IT, AND NOT THE WAY god PLANNED IT OUT FOR YOU...TAKE A STAND....RAISE YOUR VOICE...AND BE HEARD!

It's Been Longer Than A Year...But I Still See It As My Fault



So after seeing Garden State, it made me think about many things that I don't think about or push aside from my memory. It is just too hard to think about, but in the movie the main character played by Zach Braff, has to cope with the fact that his mother passed away. He has been numbed by all the medication he takes and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Another factor is that in a freak accident, he caused his mom to be in a wheelchair paralyzing her from the waist down. She ended up drowning in the restroom while taking a bath. He deals with everything and is finally able to open up and accept everything with the help of a girl he meets.



I thought back to the incident that happened on March 14, 2003. No one else was out there with us, so no one else knows what I had to go through. I have a first aid and prevention class, and the rule is that you don't want to put yourself in danger. You don't want to be a victim as well, so if you are able to save yourself, you should. The teacher stresses that, and I hear it so often, but I can't help but think that if I did something different that day, just a little more effort of some sort, the outcome could be different. I could have prevented it...and I haven't really opened up about this. And I know that I need help, but my pride gets in my way. I don't talk about this, I don't want to see someone about this because I don't see myslef talking to a psychologist about anything, even if I need it. I told Mrs. Montero that I would see the school psychiatrist, at Fullerton, and I made an appointment one day, only to not go to school that day, and later not going to school after that.

I go to school everyday..and I have an hour gap on Monday, and an hour gap on Tuesday and Thursday, yet I still refuse to get help. I don't really think that I am over what happened, like it still hasn't sunk in. Even though all this time passed. I hate myself for not being able to save him...seeing Jessica having to grow up by herself and not being able to be there for her. I hate myself when I see Thao, staying strong, trying to continue on with her life...alone, when she could be spending it with him. I hate myself more whenever I see my friends...his friends as well...and everything is explained just by looking them in the eyes. And I can't help but think it is my fault. Despite what anyone says...I am responsible. It isn't easy saying "hi" to his parents...when in the back of my mind is a little voice saying, "it's your fault...your fault why they are missing their son...your fault why their family is incomplete." And it is quite possible that they think that about me as well. Some days are just unbareable, because my mind just decides to play tricks on me or maybe it's real...it just seems that everyone has an accusing stare. Everyone blames me for what happened...and they are just glaring at me...wishing it was me instead of him. And I wish that it was. I know that I need help, but I am not ready to. And frankly I don't know when I will ever be ready...I still play everything that happened that day in my head...and it is just in slow motion. I see the mistakes I made and how if I just decided to do one thing differently, this would all been different. I need to oepn up...I need to talk to someone...why was I the last person he spoke to...all the things running through my mind...the things on that day that only I know because I was out there with him...and despite what anyone says...I will always see it as my fault...

I'm An Aries, and I Enjoy Long Walks on the Beach...

One of the things I hate to do is talk about myself. I just don't see myself having much to say about myself especially when I have low self-esteem. I have been job hunting recently for the past few weeks. It is really tiring and for what? Turn in applications to stores that aren't quite hiring, but just "accepting applications." And it is very competitive. I mean there are many assholes out there who just love to talk about themselves. They love themsselves a little too much, so a simple question like "Describe yourself." For me is just a simple, I am a hard worker and I like to get the job done, or something like taht...all the while trying to sound peppy and stuff, while that simple thing to others is like an autobiography. "I was born on a farm with a few cows, struggling with a single parent, my father died of cancer and I was very poor, a poster child for poverty, but I overcame a lot of obstacles...etc" I know it isn't that dramatic, but they really do have a lot to say about themselves.

Just trying to find a new job is like you are posting an ad in the personals. You are trying to hook up with a new job. So you have to put yourself out there and lay yourself on the line. You have to put all the self-doubt aside, and just go for it. It's hard. I know many of you all think that it is easy for me because I am talkative and seem outgoing, but I have changed. I don't think I am so talkative anymore. I am not the outgoing person that I used to be. I am always putting up an act. Many friends say it is weird for them to see me at home because at school or if we are out, I am always the one making an ass of myself. Trying to make things more fun for everyone else. I disregarded everything and jsut did what I could to get the laugh, but then they see me at home, and I am quiet...shy...not talkative. I keep to myself and just do my own thing....quietly. They could swear I was a mute or something.

Now I am in college and I think my home personality finally caught up to me. I don't talk in school or anything. I can't make friends that easily...it is just too big and so unfamiliar to me. I can't be the regular clown...smartass...person that I used to be in the past. It's hard to make friends but I do try. I am unsuccessful so far.

It could also be that I have finally grown up. No more immature freshman that used to talk back to teachers and cause so much trouble. Though I am still a pushover, and I have to learn not to be. I know right from wrong, and I have to stand up for myself and not let being a pushover get me into trouble. It's funny. I got into trouble in 8th grade for being a pushover...and 6 years passed since the infamous "yearbook" scandal occurred, and I find myself getting my ass into trouble for being a pushover again. I guess things don't change that much.

The thing that has changed is all of us. We are getting older. We are older. When I look at my friends, I still see the little kids that we are, cracking immature jokes, and making fun of eachother to get a laugh. The crazy shyet we used to do, and how we all met. From stealing books at the library and then putting them into those blue mailboxes. Crank calling anyone and everyone, 411, the police from the phonebooth at City Hall. Just stupid things that made childhood a childhood. And despite seeing the young kids we used to be inside, on the exterior, we are adults. As hard as it is to believe, we are grown up. Most of us are 20, some are 21. Dude, so much stuff has happened in between to reach where we are at right now. No more "He doesn't want to hang out with me cuz I am too young." "I don't fit in with them because they are way older than I am." We are all friends, aquaintances...connected. Being 5 years older means nothing now. We all see eachother as adults. We are able to hang out and chill and talk to eachother as if we all are the same age. There is no more younger or older...

It is jsut trippy to see everything changing. Everyone having a life of their own. New friends, new lives, new everything. Everyone is older...in looks or through experience. The first sign should have been when we graduated from high school together...it was an end, but also a beginning for us. And now we are in college, finding jobs that interest us and doing things that we weren't able to do a few years back...losing a few friends...losing a brother...but gaining more friends.

Despite advertising yourself to an employer to try and get a job that you want, they will never get to know the real you, through interviews, job applications, and resumes. These "personal ads" go beyond what sign you are or if you like long walks on the beach. They will never know the kid that you are inside or the adult that you choose to show on the outside. No one can conquer me and get to know me better than myself.

Alpha, Beta, Kappa, Gamma, Zeta, Tau...

Now as you begin school, it is hard not to see the booths set up to try to attract people to join their sorority or fraternity because theirs are so much better than everyone elses. All these clubs preeching Greek life when none of them are greek. Maybe a small percentage of them are, but not enough to be claiming that greek life is the best life. I know I don't the whole facts, but this is just what I feel.

I see the pride that everyone who represents a sorority or frat show. They are proud wearing their Kappa Delta Phi, or whatever their greek name is, sweaters or t-shirts. Having to waste some memory in your mind to know the greek alphabet which you will never use after soroity or frat life is over.

I know that there are a lot of good that the frats and sororities do, and I cannot bad mouth them about that. It is one of the reasons why I consider joining one of them because I like to help out others, but then it just seems so fake. It seems like you are paying for friendship. I would guarantee that if they didn't pay the sorority or frat, that the people in those frats and sororities would have even gave the recruitees the time of day. The only reason they would get to know anyone is if they rush and pledge for their club. If they didn't pledge and pay, then you would not know your so called "brothers and sisters." I am not saying anything bad, these are just my opinions and viewpoints. I know I cannot talk shit if I haven't given it a try, and I have been interested many times, but all the hazing and other stuff that you see on tv scares me. I don't want to be hazed into something, but I know that hazing isn't even allowed anymore, but taht doesn't stop it.

Being in a sorority or fraternity seems to be one of the best times and most rewarding thing to do. I know many friends who are in frats and sororities, and they are not bad people. They seem to do all right for themselves, and always have something fun to do. If anything, the frats and sororities helped bring out a social side to the otherwise quiet person, or given them much more courage then they possessed before. Community service, dances, events, fun times are just tied into everything. All I know, is that if you do join a frat or sorority, your social life during college will be set. It would have been a lot easier for me to have met people in collge if I joined, but hey, some things aren't for everyone. Congrats to everyone who has made it into a Greek family, and good luck to everyone who wants to be a part of a greek family...but most of all good job and keep it up to the Frats and Sororites that do make a difference and try to disprove the stereotypes that the greek life have based on TV. Maybe I will have the opportunity to experince this life first hand, and have a more objective thing to write about this topic.

College Dropout?!?! I Don't Think So!

So school has begun for about 3 weeks for me now. So far so good. To everyone who was worried about me dropping out of college, I am sticking with it. I have 7 classes this semester and 18 units. It's pretty crazy, but I know that I can do it. No big deal. The classes are going to be hard, but I know I can do it. I just can't slack off. If any of you see me slipping...just yell at me and tell me to get my act together. Wish me luck everyone!



Dateless, But Not Desperate

All right, so I know that in the past I have left a post about being lonely, and that I have to get some balls and stuff, but it's my own life. It's how I am feeling, and decide to open up and put on MY blogger. This blogger is mainly for me and if you want to read whats on my mind at that moment in time, feel free. I have nothing to hide. I don;t mind you reading it, but when you say something to make me feel like a loser based on what I typed here, it gets me mad.

So I said I was lonely and that I needed to get some balls. NEVER did I ever say that I needed anyone's help. I never asked for anyone to try to hook me up or something. I deal with things my own way. I might take a little longer to act upon things, but dude, its my life...I can take however long I want. If I take too long and miss out on an opportuniy, it is my fault. My choice. Just let it happen, don't try to prevent that. It wouldn't be the first time that a chance passed me by. I know that it would be dumb, but let me do it on my own.

I went to a frat party on Friday with a few friends. A lot of my co-workers were there as well. The ones that I usually go clubbin with. So it wouldn't be weird for me cuz we been out before. Well, we get there and sure enough, my coworkers are there. Being a frat party, there were girls there. Knowing who I am, I am not a person that is going to approach a girl and try to pick up. It isn't me. It's not my style. For one, I am not self-confident enough to even approach a girl and two I don't have the balls to do it as well. Also, I like someone and am talking to that person, all by myself...in the way that I do, my own timing, so even if I did have enough balls to hit someone up, I wouldn't if I am talking to someone else. Well, my friend tells me, "Look at all these girls here, Johnson. Get some balls, and go dance with one of them. C'mon, like you said 'Gotta Get Some Balls.'" That got me mad. He is also the person at school who is always saying stuff like, "so meet any girls yet?" We see a couple of girls and he says, "Go hit her up...she's cute." And I am sure she probably is, but dude, I am not the kinda person who just walks up to someone and is able the just start a conversation. I am too shy and too self-concious. And when I finally do make a friend at that college who just so happens to be a girl, he is always there to assume that I met her to hook up with her. So at the frat party wasn't the first time. Then later on, I finally decide to dance with a coworker, Tracy. My freinds and he sees us and are going to leave so they go up to me and tell me, but when he sees me dancing with a "girl" who he doesn't know is my coworker...he is all like "GO JOHNSON! We can go later if you want...GET YOUR GROOVE ON!" or something like that...and taht made me feel really stupid. Just because I am dancing or I go to a party or something doesn't mean I am trying to hook up!

Example #2: We were at Julie's Sorority's booth, just kicking it with her. And we wre just talking and chatting and stuff, and then I don't know what we were talking about, I think Julie was telling us about one of the events they were hosting. A clubbing thing, and she was inviting us. Then the same friend says "Yeah, and you can get Johnson a date!" And I was like WTF?!!? That got me mad. Julie said "Johnson can find himself a date." which is true, and I was like "yeah!" But as we were leaving, I was fed up with all that and I just said straight out, "YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THAT SHIT ALL READY!" And taht was taht...

Dude, don't get me wrong, I know that you are just trying to help me out, but I never asked for help. I never asked anyone to help hook me up with anyone. I do things my own way, and I apprieciate your help, but damn I can handle being lonely or finding someone...let me do it myself. Cuz when you just tell everyone about it and shit like taht...you make me sound desperate. I am not desperate for a g/f. I would like one, but in due time. I like to build up to it, and not just go full speed ahead. Let me take my time...do my own thing...and things should work out for the better.

Da Da Da Da...Da Da Da Da-Damn

So feelings and emotions are really gay. They change by the second, and are unpredictable. Don't you hate the feeling when you think you are fine and dandy. Completely over someone or something, but one memory or one glance just brings back everything that you felt, and it just comes rushing towards you and hits you hard. You know, usually after getting over someone, but then when you see em or hear their voice...its like Fabulous singing, "Da da da da, da da da da-damn!" And you have to get over them all over again.

Yeah, that just happened to me recently. The person, Diana Vuong. I have had a crush on her since I met her when she was a freshman, and I was a junior. Things started to look promising between me and her. We both liked eachother, but eventually just didn't work out. It was the best May/June I ever had...(May describing Diana, June describing a day at Disneyland) Well, I haven't talked to her much since, online here and there. But online is online...no voices...no physical contact. Talked to her many times thruogh email and AIM, and I felt nothing. Well, she calls me to ask if I'm going to the beach on Sunday...which surprises me cuz she called me. We haven't talked on the phone in ages. To make things worse is that I call her back at around 2:30AM to talk and we talk til 4:30.

We go to the beach the next day and she is my ride. We act normal...as if nothing has happened. Just friends...but then here comes the rush of feelings that just likes to come...and hit you hard. And then BAM! Everything is back. I am back to being that shy Junior seeing her for the first time, which is even gayer because I shouldn't be like that...I am never like that around her...but it happens. I know that nothing will happen with me and her again, or at least I am pretty sure...but yeah, I just remember all the fun times I had with her...the times that I chose to forget...I had to...to get over her and move on. It made me realize that I missed her more than I thought. Damn emotions...always got to act up...so basically...now I will try to make an effort to keep her in my life. Phone calls, emails, whatever. If nothing, at least I will have a close friend that I can talk to...