I Like You, I Hate You...But I Like You Just A Little Bit More (I Think?)
is this another case of "reading the signals wrong?" or "reading too much into my mind?" Maybe. Regardless though, I haven't felt this way about a girl in a long time. Sure, I leap before I look and most of the time fall down long and hard, but for a long time, I have been confused and unsure of what I wanted. Even if I was able to like someone I did not know who to like. I somehow lost a sense of what I was even looking for, so everything, everyone was just a big question mark, a big giant blur.
Now I am finding a starting point to start back at being normal once again. I still do not know what I am looking for, but I have to start somewhere, right? And now someone enters into the picture. Is this just a person that i may have an interest in? Who knows? Is this someone who will eventually be a crush...a like? Could be. Maybe this is actually nothing and I am just reading too much into it, thinking too much...forcing myself to like someone....just for the sake of liking someone. This is a new feelin, not liking anyone. For as long as I can remember I have always liked someone, and for the first time in my life (that I can remember) and for a long time, I have not liked anyone. Sure, there are the occasional flirts with some people that I have had feelings for or have been crushing on in the past, and if something happned between them, great! But as for the feeling of liking someone...has not happened, yet.
Maybe it is the fact that I have been burned so many times before that it has screwed me up so much into thinking that I do not deserve anyone. And even the ones I do deserve, I tend to screw up anyways. It can be that my mentality is just so screwed up that it affects my attitude and my negative thinking eventually comes true like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am just tired of going "all in" only to get a bad beat, everytime. However, I will not settle. I will like someone who eventually will fit into my list of standards that I eventually will develop once again, and I will not settle for someone just because it is convienient.
could i like this person? maybe. Will I get crushed once again? maybe. is it worth it? yes. I always say that I am going to have to put myself out there...one day I will eventually have to follow through with my word. Forget rejection. It's natural and it will happen. Forget the fear that I have of rejection. Suck it up and deal with it. Forget everything and just live in the moment. Like the saying goes, "...and the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." I do not want to live my life and look back upon my past and have that "what if I asked her to go out" type of story 10 years from now. Could this one girl be the person who gets me to start liking once again? Only one way to find out...
is this another case of "reading the signals wrong?" or "reading too much into my mind?" Maybe. Regardless though, I haven't felt this way about a girl in a long time. Sure, I leap before I look and most of the time fall down long and hard, but for a long time, I have been confused and unsure of what I wanted. Even if I was able to like someone I did not know who to like. I somehow lost a sense of what I was even looking for, so everything, everyone was just a big question mark, a big giant blur.
Now I am finding a starting point to start back at being normal once again. I still do not know what I am looking for, but I have to start somewhere, right? And now someone enters into the picture. Is this just a person that i may have an interest in? Who knows? Is this someone who will eventually be a crush...a like? Could be. Maybe this is actually nothing and I am just reading too much into it, thinking too much...forcing myself to like someone....just for the sake of liking someone. This is a new feelin, not liking anyone. For as long as I can remember I have always liked someone, and for the first time in my life (that I can remember) and for a long time, I have not liked anyone. Sure, there are the occasional flirts with some people that I have had feelings for or have been crushing on in the past, and if something happned between them, great! But as for the feeling of liking someone...has not happened, yet.
Maybe it is the fact that I have been burned so many times before that it has screwed me up so much into thinking that I do not deserve anyone. And even the ones I do deserve, I tend to screw up anyways. It can be that my mentality is just so screwed up that it affects my attitude and my negative thinking eventually comes true like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am just tired of going "all in" only to get a bad beat, everytime. However, I will not settle. I will like someone who eventually will fit into my list of standards that I eventually will develop once again, and I will not settle for someone just because it is convienient.
could i like this person? maybe. Will I get crushed once again? maybe. is it worth it? yes. I always say that I am going to have to put myself out there...one day I will eventually have to follow through with my word. Forget rejection. It's natural and it will happen. Forget the fear that I have of rejection. Suck it up and deal with it. Forget everything and just live in the moment. Like the saying goes, "...and the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." I do not want to live my life and look back upon my past and have that "what if I asked her to go out" type of story 10 years from now. Could this one girl be the person who gets me to start liking once again? Only one way to find out...
