Fate...Maybe Things Work Out Better Without It

"Oh my god, meeting you was like Fate!"
"The Fate of the world is in your hands...your Fate is to save ours"

So you always see in the movies that Fate has a way of budding its head in every Hollywood storyline. Whether its a love story and the two main characters were destined to be together, or if a hero is suppose to save the day. It was all fate...

I am a firm believer in Fate. Maybe it was because I watched a lot of T.V. and saw so many movies, so I believe that the world behind the silver screen is an exact mirror of the life that we live in. SOme things you just want to be true. I probably have been brainwashed to believe in things that can and will only happen in movies...fairy tale endings, everything will be all right in the end after a 2 hour time span; jedis, hobbits, and the matrix are real. I've been sucked into a world where everything will just be better and fixed...a place where everything can just be left up to Fate.

It's a good world to live in, if it were true...life isn't so easy. It isn't just "whatever happens is not in my control." Because it basically is in your control. And it seems to be that life seems to go better when you just let it happen.

I found out, at least for me, that things just tend to go better when you are just careless and do not think and delve into it. I tend to think and believe that it was Fate that I met a few people...the pieces just seem to fit together...but I am probably just thinking too much into it. I am not taking into consideration coincidence and sheer luck...for me, everytime I think something was Fate, my theory about it being Fate just comes crashing down. And then I realize...mybe it wasn't, but then why does everything just seem to go togheter?

I don't remember everything that I thought was "suppose to be" because of Fate, but the two recent ones I do remember are with two girls that I liked. I know it seems pretty stupid, but I just thought that we were suppose to be together due to Fate...I totally disregarded important factors like dumb luck, coincidence, and oh yea....the fact that they have to like me back...I just assumed that Fate would just work its magic and *POOF* Boy, how wrong am I.

My first work crush was when I thought that Fate worked overtime to help me out. It was just a regular day at work at the movie theaters...well not a regular day...it was friggin busy because it was Christmas and everything else was closed, so we were working hard. I was almost off and went on break, when all of a sudden a black out occured. So it was getting really chaotic and we were trying to regain order and stuff. Well I was an Usher at the time, so I didn't have the chance to meet the new Concessionists and Box Girls. Well, during the blackout, I met a new Concessionist, and it was just whatevers...I probably would have met her eventually. We just introduced ourselves to eachother and had small talk, nothing big. After everything was done and settled and the lights came back on, my shift was pretty much over...so was hers. I take my friend home since she lives by me, and we were suppose to pretty much get off at the same time. But due to the blackout, she had to work a little longer. And as I was getting off to wait for my friend to get off, I saw her sitting down, by herself. Since I had a pretty long wait, I decided to sit down and get to know her better, so I did. She was pretty cool and everything...and after we talked for a few hours she had to go and watch a movie with her friend, and my friend got off around the same time. There's more to the story that follows, but on this one day, it just seemed like everything went together. Like if it wasn't for the blackout, I wouldn't have met her, and if I didn't meet her I wouldn't have hung out with her after work, because I wouldn't know who she was. It was also weird how if the blackout didn't happen, then my friend wouldn't have stayed longer at work, so I probably would have left and not talk to her as well. And at the end, my friend was off the same time that she had to go catch her movie...as it turns out...my theory about it being Fate...didn't work out.

Fate incident #2 was with my other crush at the movie theater. We hung out and everything, but with this girl, we lost contact. I had no way of contacting her, and she had no way of contacting me, so that was basically it. A few months passed and I was getting over her, until I got a phone call from my friend telling me that she had her phone number. As she told me how she got it, my mind was at work thinking about what had happened. And as I called her, she told me what happened and why she never called me. If this sounds familiar to you faithful readers, that is because this was on my previous blog. And I just thought that it had to be Fate and not dumb luck which was what this probably was. I mean we lost contact with eachother, and I don't see or talk with her for a few months...I wasn't at the theater anymore, and when she went to pick up her last check she gave an assistant manager her number to give to me, but I wasn't there, so I never got it. Another coworker who wasnt there anymore found another job at Cinnabon at the Santa Anita Mall. Well lo and behold on Thanksgiving break, she takes her little sister to the Santa Anita Mall and she wants a Cinnabon, so they go get one. My coworker is new and is training and she recognizes him because we all went out together before in the summer. So she give him her number to give to me. Now what are the chances of that happening? Her to go to the mall on a day that my coworker who barely got that job was training...her sister wanting a Cinnabon and them getting one on my coworkers shift...like I said it was either Fate or just dumb luck..i chose Fate...and again I get kicked in the gnads.

So my conclusion is that Fate doesn't exist...or if it does, it just doesn't work for me. I think things will be a lot better when I don't over analyze things and hope that it was a work of the heavens, meant to be...destiny. Cuz you know sometimes shit happens...good and bad, and looking back on it, things that were just spontaneous and unplanned by Fate tended to be better...it was just life.

Dear Alej...

Dear Alej,

It has been a year since we have met and a year since I have liked you. It's almost been a year since we last seen eachother, but that still did not stop my feelings for you. From the beginning when I saw you, I knew that there was something about you. I couldn't pinpoint anything at the time, but it was something that caught my attention. I mean you were new and I didn't know you, but for some reason, I wanted to get to know you. It was weird...I just knew that I would like you...just like how I knew that Stephanie and I would be friends. It was just a feeling. So on your first day, I decided to introduce myself to you and the other new people well because of you. I know it sounds dumb, but it was true...and from that point on, I was hooked. After that, because we didn't have the same shifts, me being a night person and you working during the day, we hardly saw eachother, but whenever we did happen to overlap schedules once in a while, you would always say "hi" to me. Then you would go home, and I would start working, but that "hi" just made my night better. I never told anyone this, but they would always wonder why I was in such a good mood closing on some nights and it was because of you.

Then by chance or because I decided to work Friday mornings and Omar actually gave it to me, we started to work the same shifts on Fridays and I got to know you a lot better. And my feelings for you started to grow. I wanted to ask you to go watch a movie, but was afraid of rejection...so I always just held off on it, but I don't remember when I just said forget it and asked you to watch a movie with me and you actually said yes. I was so nervous that night...going home and getting ready and all dressed up just to go watch a movie with you...we watched The Day After Tomorrow that night and that was when i met your sister. She was the sprinkles on the ice cream because she was just too cute, and I got to see how great of a sister you were to her. After that, everything was a blur. I don't know how I became so bold as to ask you out to do things, movies, ice skating(which I am still suppose to take your sister to), and other things, but I did, and trust me, those were the best times of my life. I remember just going to visit you at work and eating some ice cream together. Something so simple. From eating at Island's, watching various movies, and eating during our breaks, to me it was perfect.

I can honestly say that that was the best summer I ever had. I was always too chicken to tell you that I like you, but I think you knew because well it was kind of obvious. I was surprised that you went out with me and hung out with me because I heard later on that Daniel asked you to hang out and you didn't, maybe because you were busy or something, but just hearing that made me think that I was special and I felt that you somehow someway developed feelings for me as well.

All that changed during our trip to Universal Studios. It was fun and everything, but as we were going up the escalators, you got a phone call from someone, and as it turned out, it was a guy you were "talking" to. I was crushed...Again maybe I read the signs wrong, and I don't like to be the other guy. I usually don't like people who are dating someone else, so I tend to back off. My feelings for that person seems to go away, but for some reason it didn't. I still liked you. And I didn't want to just give up…maybe if I didn't you would realize that you liked me more, and I was better off for you. Besides, you two were only "talking."

Well I guess after it all, summer had to end sometime. You had left your two weeks notice so you were gone from the theater, and I saw you less, then you had to go to Washington for your cousin's wedding, and after that I lost contact with you. You were also starting new at Riverside, having transferred there and starting school soon. I totally forgot about getting you that Pink UCR sweater, until my friend reminded me.

I remember trying to make last ditch efforts to hang out with you before you flew away...even booking a date to watch the Princess Diaries 2 at the El Capitan Theater...I got two tiaras, one for you and one for your sister...but I scheduled it on the wrong day...the day you left to the airport...after that...you were gone, and I tried to call you to talk to you but that didn't work...and soon after...we lost contact...I lost you. But I couldn't get over you...as hard as I tried, and just when I was about to lose faith, fate would come to i guess reunite us.

I am a firm believer in fate, but then again what happened, could have been luck as well. I remember getting a phone call from Candy one night. She said, "Guess who's number I got for you?" I asked, "Who?" not knowing where she was going with it, but inside I was hoping she would say Maria. And she did. And this just left me in shock. Call it fate...call it luck, but as it turns out of all places you could have went to, you decided to go to the Santa Anita Mall on Thanksgiving Break with your sister. Around the same time that Phuc just barely got hired at Cinnabon. Your sister wanted a Cinnabon around the time when Phuc was scheduled to work...and you recognized him, well, because we hung out. I mean what were the chances of that happening exactly at around the same time...maybe I look too much into things such as coincidence, but it is just trippy how it all flows. Especially since we lost contact with eachother and you losing your phone plus your numbers. Not knowing that I was released at Edward's, but eventually we somehow reconnected.

I remember being so shocked that I had your number in my notepad...a way of getting a hold of you and talking to you...and I remember I was debating with myself not to call you. I mean I was doing all right when we couldn't and didn't talk to eachother, and I was going to move on, but then this happens...should I or shouldn't I? You were my biggest crush of the summer and possibly my life...the summer of my life...and I was actually debating whether or not to call you. I was up for a very long time...and in the end I decided to call you because I wanted to know what happened plus I still liked you.

We talked and caught up, but that was all. And more months pass, without us communicating and I think this is where I made my biggest mistake...maybe it is because I didn't call or contact you that you talked to your current b/f more, or maybe your decision was to always get with your current b/f. I will never know the answer. Seeing you and hanging out with you at Medieval Times was fun, and I had a very good time, just seeing you again and talking with you, just like it used to be back then. Once again I was crushed hearing you had a b/f, but I made the best of the situation. I mean the only thing I could do was just enjoy the moment with you. Just to be in your company. In my mind, I feel that you are with the wrong guy. Maybe I am saying that because I feel that It should be me who gets to hold you and gets to call you my girlfriend. Once again because I don't tell someone I like them, I am passed over and now hurting and just watching from the sidelines. I am not trying to or attempting to break you two apart in any way, shape, or form, that is the last thing I want to do, because you seem happy with him.

I don't know how happy you are with him, but as long as you are happy, I am just going to accept it. I cannot say that I am happy that you are happy, because i want to be the person you are happy with. And if I said it, it would just be a lie. It was so good to hear your voice when I called you, and hearing you say that you still have the picture of us at Universal and you look at it and hearing you say that you miss me, made me think that I still had time...until I heard you say that you had a b/f. Not me. I feel that no matter what, somehow, we are suppose to be together. Maybe not now, but somehow...I remember I was trying to fix my schedule so if we did "hook up" during the summer, Riverside was not going to stop me from seeing you. I planned how the long distance thing would work. I would be working on weekdays and going to UCR every weekend to see you and be with you. Personally, I feel Fate has us two being together...I want to be right, but usually I am wrong, so if there is anytime for my luck to change, I hope it is now. If I am wrong...well you made my life a little brighter by just being you and by being in it...I hope you have a great life and are happy. And if anything, you will still have a friend in me.

It's done...finally another closed chapter in my life...

Still Haven't Gotten Any Balls and Regretting It...

This always happens to me. I like someone, and I don't have the guts to tell them, and I am left just the way I started. I guess I finally decided to change my ways a little too late. About one month too late.

One day you are doing fine, and liking, crushing on noone, and then all of sudden, you begin to relike someone. Crushing on someone that you thought you had finally moved on. Someone like her, I don't think I can move on, but I just like to keep telling myself that I can. The person who I am referring to is Maria. She is the person that I just cannot let go even if I wanted to. If I was Candy, she would be my Phuc. If I were Cindy, she would be my Abraham. Sad, but true.

So, we finally talk after a long while, and of all things we go and hang out. I remember saying that if I ever see her again, I will tell her that I like her. Well, guess what? I chickened out...again. I don't know...there was just some news that I heard that I couldn't do it. At least not yet. I mean, it is probably still ovious that I still like her, but I don;t know. I remember saying that I would tell her when she went to Washington for a cousin's wedding. She left and I said I would tell her, but then we lost touch with eachother. And I remember how much I regretted not letting her know. Well as "chance" would have it, I got a second chance because in a million to one chance, we reconnected, but I never saw her...call it nerves or whatnot. Well, finally, after almost a year, I decided to giver her a call, just to talk, and when she answered...Damn...

Well since, Cindy couldn't go to Medieval Times, it would be a perfect thing to hang out with her and see her. I even went to pick her up...and that is a far drive to Riverside. But it didn't matter, and once I got there and saw her nothing else mattered at that moment. I guess I am a strong believer in fate because this is the second person that I have liked where everything just seemed to fit into place.

I also think that fate has really bad timing as well. I wanted to tell her, and finally just let the obvious out there, but then because I still didn't get any balls since the last time I wrote about it, my quest to reveal my feelings did not happen due to the news that she has a boyfriend.

I have said that I don't want to be the person to ruin any relationship, and usually when someone is "taken" to me they are off limits and I do not like them anymore, but with her it's different. I still like her, and I still don't want to give up. I don't know about her, but I feel that she likes me as well, but I don't know. I just like her too much to just give up...

i've given everything,i loved u endlessly,
but when it comes to me you dont even notice me

in too deep

Nice Guys Don't Finish Last...

I tell myself that being a nice guy is better than being a jerk. Having morals, respect, and consideration for others is a lot better than not having them. That it is better to make others happy and disregard my own happiness, and for what? Just to be treated like gum that gets stuck on the bottom of people's shoes after they walk all over you. And I tell myself that I don't mind. "It's all good." and the worst part is that I actually start to believe it.

As most of you know, if you know me, is that I am a people pleaser. I like to go out of my way to put a smile on someone else's face. I am basically "a nice guy." I have always liked being the nice guy because it is way better than being known as a jerk. So I took on that role with open arms. I mean how can you go wrong with being a nice guy? The thing about being the nice guy is that you don't stand out. You aren't remembered as much, hence the phrase "nice guys finish last." And for the past year I have been living on my own version of that motto, which I have on my blogger, my xanga, and etc. That phrase is "Nice Guys Don't Finish Last...They Don't Finish at All!"

I firmly believe in it because it seemed to describe life of the nice guy a lot better than finishing last. If you think about it, people just trample all over you so you are not able to finish. It goes with life, relationships, work, basically everything. And I just set myself up for failure with everything because I am a nice guy. I expect not to finish. I expect to finish last. I mean it's a given. The quote says so! It is in writing! And I just can't alter it if it is in writing, so I lived my life expecting to be the nice guy who doesen't get anything.

I had big hopes for a new year. A new year, a new start, right? Well, it was a new start. A new start of things just messing up. great. I wanted to have that peppy attitude. I wanted the optimist that I forcefully hid to just pop out like a gay guy coming out of the closet entering a room and shouting out,'"I'M HERE!" To have that kind of presence in a room, but I don't and because of my belief of being a nice guy, I prepared myself for it all to go downhill and guess what? It did.

Many people have told me that I cannot please everyone. And I know that, but despite knowing, I wanted to prove them wrong. I can be the person who can please everyone...failed. Many people have told me that I cannot let others just walk all over me and take advantage of me. I firmly believed that I wasn't and that people were not that shallow to do that...especically to me. People are that shallow and they will even do it to me...especially to me. It is just too easy to get away with it, because I am always there with an accepting and understanding heart. "I understand." Many people have told me that I am "too nice," and being too nice is not a good thing. Yeah, right! Being too nice is not a good thing? Impossible!!! Until you realize how many people actually go out of their way to do things for you...none...and then it hits you...possible.

Now I am not saying that I am going to drastically change to "I coundn't give a rat's @$$ if you were dangling off a cliff and the only for you to survive is if I throw you a rope and I refuse to give you that rope, because well, frankly, it is my rope" type of guy, but I do notice that I can't always please everyone. I have always been blunt and up front when I had to be in a sugar coated kind of way. I have to realize that I can't always be the nice guy. That sometimes I just have to be the guy...in the background...the guy who doesn't care...the guy who takes time to worry about himself sometimes.

So from here on now, I will still be the nice guy, to my limits. But I will not over do it. I will not live with my motto of "not finishing at all." I see things clearer now and maybe it is because I am fed up of just being tossed around like last week's dirty laundry, or maybe it is because I finally decided to clean my glasses, but I cannot always have the pessimistic attitude that I always seem to carry around with me. No more "Nice Guys Don't Finish Last...They Don't Finish At All," My new outlook on life is nothing metaphorical or with a lot of insight. It is something simple and the truth.

"The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

So I will now make the best of everything that I have...which is alot more refreshing. You could be in store for a more cheerful Johnson...if that is possible, only time will tell. Never will I not "finish at all" ever again!