Famililes are the worst. Especially during the holidays. Parents...relentless arguing about the same stuff. Brothers...crazy and still arguing about the same stuff. I tend to believe that I am the normal one in my family, but all I do is run away. I tend to be good at doing that. I hide behind my work now. I have a job now...I hide behind it for everything. Hide away from family...hide away from friends. It is the simplest excuse to get out of any situation. Didn't have time...I had work! Sorry, I can't make it...I got work! I say I miss everyone, but I don't think I am making an effort to see everyone...it is kind of gay becase when I put effort into a friendship..I don't get anything back...and when I don't put anything...everyone else could care less.

My family is so disfunctional that it is not even funny. I used to crack jokes about my family, who I now avoid. I do my own thing...work...and don't have to deal with them any more. Peter is the only one who I can talk to, when I decide to open up, which I still haven't done. He has always had my back. When I fucked up with school and did not get financial aid to pay for school, he gave me the money. He paid for it, and did not ask for me to pay him back. If I ever needed anything...he would try his best to see if he can get it for me, whether it was a ride, money, an item, a favor, or letting me use his car. He has alway been there for me. It is kinda crappy that he is here and looking out for me when he has a half brother in Diamond Bar, who doesn't get to see him as often as he would like. I don't say this enough, but I love him...I just can't say it to him. What I dislike is that I thought he stopped using meth...let's leave taht in the open...

Hanson...after trying to commit suicide...I never realized how much I missed him. Sure, he got on my nerves and was a real paranoid asshole, but when he was gone...I really couldn't imagine what it would be like if he was really gone. I found my self going to his room and imagining life without him. It was something I did not want to experience. I mean he is barely 21. When he came back into this family, I was never so glad to see him. I thought he would be better. He went to a mental institution and saw a lot of people who were nuts. And he said he was not taht crazy. They put him on medication, but he refuses to take any anymore. He is still weird, and he really does keep to himself still. He has a weird sleeping pattern, and still is in my opinion crazy. My parents know he used drugs and that that is what prolly changed him to what he is today...the fucked up part of it is that he still feens for meth, and Peter will give him some to get him off his back. It is sad that he doesn't have any friends anymore, and that no one in this house pays him any attention. He sometimes will be knocking on Peter's door and he refuses to answer it, so Hanson is out there for about 20-30 minutes just waiting...he even calls Peter on his cell, and he still refuses to answer the call...

My mom...she is always arguing with my dad. About the same thing. About a mistress, and all this other stuff. The thing that screws up her relationship with us is that she says taht she has no one to tell all of her problems to. And she keeps this up. She has people to talk to but according to her, "they won't understand." And we, her sons don't understand as well. I mean all teh shyet that is going on between our family, we know. But she still feels that we won't understand.

My real father...DEAD...taht is all you need to know...bastard

My step father...he is cheating. He does have a mistress...but he provides for us. He comes home to us. It is a fucked up situation, but it is what it is.

Right now....my dad sleeps on the living room floor. The couch is really bad for his back. My mom has taken over the master bedroom. It is like they are seperated and divorced except that they still live together. I mean I can handle this. This was long time coming. Nothing new. What ticks me off is when they become all lovey dovey and act like nothing is happening and you just know that in a month it will all blow up again. But this time, my family is messed up. Peter gets mad at my mom about how she says she has no one to talk to about this thing. He has become bitter towards her. She bugs him now....and I see that she does take Hanson's side a lot and that she seems to say the worst things when she is angry, but I see her as having a legit argument with my dad. What I don't agree with is that she does have people to talk to. I am always here...Peter is..and when Hanson is allright at times...I know he is there too. I am not one to take sides though. So I just keep quiet and stay neutral. Peter is now bitter with my mom. He doesn't talk to her, and when he has to he yells at her...just like he yells at Hanson...and at me sometimes too. I try not to let it get to me, but it does...sometimes. My mom told me this now. Just recently, he told her that he doesn't like to talk to Hanson and that he doesn't like to talk to her either. I dunno if it is because since he is his father's offspring that he will be willing to take his side more or waht, but he straight out told her, and as she was telling me. He voice was cracking and she was about to cry. It broke my heart to see her like taht because she does love him. She brought him up since he was about 6 years old. And now...its like our family is torn apart. No one seems to get along with anyone. And I feel guilty that I get along wiht my mom, my dad, and Peter. Hanson just seems to piss me off a lot.

I never got a lot when I was growing up. I am the baby, but I never got spoiled. But I have been the one to fix my brothers mistakes. My bros didn't walk, so I had to be the first Chang to walk and graduate. They both went to a JC when my parents dream was for them to go to a 4 year college. I am the one that fulfilled that too. They both dropped out of college, so that gives me more pressure to stay in school and graduate from FUllerton. My life is nothing but fulfilling my parents wishes because my bros didn't. What about my wishes? I guess I have none. But my dad did get a 27" flat screen TV from someone that he gave to me. And also a DVD player that is mine as well. I feel bad because although I have been busting my butt to please my parents and family and I technically deserve it because Peter has his own TV and stuff that he bought and Hanson is just not all there, and I am the one who is going to school and working and the only person in the household who doesn't ahve a TV in his room. I should get it. My room is so empty and gay. Nothng in there. My mom told me that Hanson asked for a TV and my mom said yeah shell get it and then not two days later my dad brings home this 27" flatscreen, and he assumed it was for him. Only to have my dad tell him that it was for me. I feel bad. But then again...I never had a TV...I get everything passed down...I dunno waht to do and I dunt even remember where I was headed with all this rambling. Just my family is broken apart and I don't think there will ever be a way of fixing it. And one of my friends is going through a rough time with her family...cept it isn't so complicated as my story. Just don't take your family for granted. Don't let the little things get to you...like I let it get to me...If you have a chance to, tell them that you love them before you are like me and cannot experss your feelings...Don't lose touch with your family...you will need them in the future...I need them now, but its too late...You never know when you will lose them, physically, mentally or spiritually. Don't ever forget who your family is, don't let things like bitterness come between the bond that is family...because once you lose it, you are going to want it back...and I so want something to call a family again. Don't let it get to the point where it is too late to rebuild like in my case...just be grateful for waht you have...because you don't want to be looking back and see what you had....

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is my bible!!!

It is my favorite book. The stuff Charlie does is so sweet and yet so dumb. He is a funny kid, and troubled as well. I look up to him assuming that he is real. And I start to believe that I am a lot like him...

I guess I never got around to Jingle Ball. It was really fun and tyte! Had a blast. And I heard taht I was on the FOX 11 Special on Jingle Ball. Camera zoomed in on my face. My debut!! So now I am expecting a check in the mail!!! LOL....Finals are done and over with!! Hurray!! NO MORE SCHOOL!!!! (Until February...BOOO!!!) Still got work....Damn Lord of the Rings...always so damn busy!! Oh wellz...but on the bright side!! Break!!! And Christmas!!! Hurray!! I want to start a caroling thing and go caroling on Christmas day or something!! Something about this time of the year that just makes me happy!! Hurray for Christmas!! I mean I don't celebrate this holiday at home, but with friends and stuff...I like this holiday...i don't get gifts..so like yeah...i dunno just this time of year...something about it...

I think i got decent grades!!! Hoping for a 3.0...I only got a 3.0 once in high school. For one semester. it was a 3.17 to be exact...and now I am hoping for a 3.0 in college..hehe...Work is kinda hectic, but hey...I'm finally depending on myself to make my own mula ya know?!?! And it feels good...the bad part is not being able to chill with friends that much. I miss that part. It is a long break...so I dunno...we'll see waht happens. (DON'T WORRY ROSA, YOU WILL GET YOUR TODAI!!!)

I MISS...
Amy G.
Rosa
Phimy
Pauline
Ami S.
Natasha
Mischell
Tiffany
Julie L.
Juju
Steffy
Adelle
Yung
Jeni
Ant
Henry
Evelyn
Lysa
Lyly
Shanon
Lorraine
Jessica
Kathie
Ashley
Jerissa
Summer
Christina
Chinese 101 people

and a lot more..I'm just too tired to think...I would mention more people, but like I see them a lot..so it is hard to miss people when you see them all the time!! LOL...(for example, Candy, Truong, Cindy, David, Joi, Chen, Joanne, etc.) MISS ALL OF YOU...(I noticed I don't have many guy friends that I feel close to...)

My hands smell like Tacos....

This essay got me a B. The teacher uses contratgrading, where your grade is determined on a portfolio rather than the essay itself. My portfolio was not quite complete which resulted in the B. If I had done all the work, I would have recieved an A on this portfolio. My essay would have recieved an "A." Oh well. Enjoy!

The Self-Confidence Experiment

“Hello.”

That is a statement that is short and tends to begin every conversation. One word, one meaning. Simple enough to say right? Sure. It gets kind of tricky when you have to say it to a female. My knees shake just by thinking about it. You hear this line everywhere you go. When you talk on your phone, the first thing you say is “Hello.” How can something that is so universal and short be so hard to say especially to someone of the other sex? It all comes down to one thing, how much confidence you have in yourself.

There are many movies that have a scene where the guy tries to get the girl, whether it is a sappy romantic comedy or an action packed film with tons of special effects. The pick-up lines range from corny to puke into a bucket corny. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.” Lines like those work for people like Bond, James Bond, but not for a regular, average guy like me. If I used a line like that, I would possibly get laughed at right in front of my face plus losing the five bucks for the drink as well.

It is pretty obvious that I do not have confidence in myself. If I was in that situation, my first problem would be saying, “Hello.” The problem? I wouldn’t. Not because I don’t want to, but because I am afraid to. Call it fear of rejection or call it being a complete wimp, but I am not the type of person who can be open and lay myself on the line just to say a simple hello. It scares me, especially saying it to a female.

Speaking of females, there is a girl in one of my classes. I think she is really pretty. I always have, since day one. There is just something about her that stands out from the rest of the females in the class. I just can never say anything to her. Not even a simple, “Hi!” When she asks me a question, I just freeze up, and am no help to her. I all ready know what is going to happen when she initiates the greeting. I have it all mapped out in my head. She will walk into the class and see me because I sit right behind her. She will smile at me, a friendly gesture, and say the most dreaded word in the human language…hello. I want to tell her that I think she is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met, but instead of saying that or just reply back with a hi, I will muster up enough courage to come out and say, ”Uhhh…hrmh,” blushing along the way. Now how am I supposed to tell her how pretty I think she is when saying hello is such a challenge? I guess she will never know what I think. She isn’t the first and she won’t be the last. I am good at holding everything in.

I have always held in my feelings for girls. Whenever I liked someone, I would never tell them. I could barely talk to them if I didn’t lose my voice when they were talking to me. I am not afraid of girls, it’s just that I don’t feel like I am good enough to talk to them, and I often question why they would want to talk to someone like me. It is kind of sad, I know, but that is my life. If I had more self-confidence, then saying, “Hello” to a person of the opposite sex wouldn’t be so hard for me. And you have to start somewhere, right?

Let’s back track a little bit and see why I am the way I am. Well, I am 6’00” and 260lbs. My sign is an Aries and I like long walks on the beach. I feel like I am writing one of those personals you find on the Classified ads on the newspaper. (Not by personal experience…so I’ve heard.) I was always “big” growing up. I was overweight and have been throughout my life. As a little kid, I got teased a lot by everyone. I wasn’t the only one, but the main reason why they picked on me was because they thought I was a bully based upon my appearance. They stopped picking one me because I was a nice kid with a great personality. I didn’t really defend myself, but I decided that I would be nice to them regardless, and then I became a gentle giant, sort of like Mikey from the cartoon “Recess.” Later on, I learned to defend myself whenever someone would call me names. I had to because this didn’t stop until later. I would pick out one or some of their traits that stood out and make fun of them back. It was more for respect than to really insult them. It worked for me, but the damage was done, and now here we are to the present.

I figured that speaking to girls in person would be harder than speaking to them online. So to experiment for myself, I decided to join one of those online dating match sites. I joined ______________.com. This could really help me with my self confidence, but the first thing that I had to do when I signed up for it was to describe myself. If you don’t have good self-esteem about yourself, it is hard to describe yourself in a manner in which to attract the opposite sex. It isn’t just describing yourself; it's describing yourself in 1,000 characters. Goodness gracious! 1,000 characters? I can’t even describe myself in 10 words let alone 1,000 characters, but I eventually did it. It was a challenge, but I did it.

All this work just for wanting to say a simple hello to a person of the opposite gender, and I found out that it is just as hard to say hi through an email. You have to say hi except without any personality because they can’t hear your voice. They just read your words. So you have better got something else to catch their attention. I decided to wait a week and see if I would receive any messages. I received a grand total of zero messages. (Equal world my foot! Females can get jobs that were once for men and be a part in professional sports, but they still expect you to make the first move.) So I did. I sent out five messages to five females who caught my attention. I used something witty and quirky along with the greeting, and four of them replied back to me. This was really cool. It turns out that the witty greeting work, and is what made them want to respond, along with my funny profile. They thought I was pretty cute and good looking. I didn’t want to find love online, I just wanted to build up some confidence by saying hi through the computer instead of in person. You have to start somewhere, right? It worked, and I got four new friends out of this experiment. Four out of five isn’t that bad!

This experiment that I tried really helped me a little in building up my self-confidence, but it will take a while before I think I will be able to do it in person. In my eyes, I am an ugly duckling who will never change into the swan. Friends told me I was a good looking fellow, but friends tend to sugar coat the truth to spare your feelings because of the friendship. Strangers tend to be more honest because they don’t really know you and there is no friendship involved.

I have to keep working on my self confidence because if saying hi is this hard, then how will I ever be able to maintain a relationship in the future? I know I don’t want to be an old, lonely hermit. So if I don’t try to make things better now, that is probably where I am headed. Maybe I should start changing my attitude and gain some more confidence. Maybe I should just tell that girl, “Hello, I think you are very pretty!” What’s the harm in a little compliment? There is none, but everything starts with a “Hello.”

Oh, and I did tell that girl what I thought about her. It was nerve wrecking, but I did it.

KIIS FM Jingle Ball...It was cool! $175 tickets were worth it!!! Talk bout this more later!