A Picture is Worth a Million Words




This is one of my favorite days spent with one of the mosst amazing person that I know. These are pictures of two people holding hands, nothing much right? Except this is the closest that I have ever felt to "family" in my life. Odd thing is...she is not my family, at least not by blood.

The story between Julie and I is a long one. We met online, after my brother hooked up with her. And after that, she took me under her wing as her own little brother...she knew what was going on in my house and my life and even though we did not meet for a very long time, she looked out for me and watched out for me. I still have the emails we sent to eachother years ago, because she meant that much to me.

Knott's Scary Farm was the one and only time that we have ever hung out, though we have seen each other on the Cal State Fullerton Campus many times and even got lunch one time. It is really sad that ever since I have known her...about 7-8 years...we have only hung out once or twice, and now we hardly even talk, but it doesn't matter. She has her own life and I have mine. And I just have to think back to that night of fun and horror. I am brought back to a time when I felt genuinely happy. I also met a few cool people that night too, even though I do not see them or talk to them hardly ever after.

That night I held her hand, and felt this bond between us...nothing perverse or anything. But at the time it was just two friends holding hands...everytime I look back at these pictures I see different things because it is just two hands...a b/f and g/f holding hands, a brother and sister, two friends, etc. Yet, I know that was the day that I spent with Julie, away from my real life...running around a park full of "fake monsters," going through mazes, riding rides, being "young" with awe in our eyes and living like we should have when we were 10, and we actually were brother and sister by blood...from the beginning.

This was the bond of her looking out for me because she is older and is able to do that, and me making sure she doesn't get hurt and of course both of us having each other's backs. This is a bond I never had, yet that night, I had it all.


And returning to reality that night, after it was over...I had to face my own monsters....running through my own mazes...and somehow always getting lost or stuck in a corner. That night was an escape from reality. And I was living in a fantasy that only I was able to create...in my mind. With an ideal sister, the ideal situation. A picture is worth more than a thousand words...yet the one that comes to mind when I see that picture...is HAPPINESS.


You are truly BEAUTIFUL in every aspect of the word! Thank you...and I love you!

Game?!?! What Game??

I can honestly say that I have no game whatsoever. I do not know how to play it. I would be benchwarmer #1 if it came down to it. I hate the fact that everything is so damn difficult. Why can't dating and relationships be easy and simple. I don't mean easy like girls who easily put out, but like get around all the pick up lines. It has become a well-timed chess match with the opponents going tic for tac, move for move, one right after the other, and what happens to all the people who suck at chess?

I am not even talking about the people who go to bars and clubs and randomly hit up on people spinning the chamber of the revolver hoping that the bullet doesn't land on the first shot in Russian Roulette. It's pretty much like suicide, hoping not to get rejected and finding that person who you would like to either spend the rest of your life with, doink in the bedroom for a one night stand, a short-term relationship, or eventually a friendship(of course after doinking that person). I am referring to even people who just want to find who is good for them but have to deal with the game of dating.

I hate the, "you have to make the right move at the right time or else it all falls apart!" It's like we need someone like the Croc Hunter (rest his soul) guiding us and telling us what to do step by step to catch and capture a croc...except he is talking about the timing on when to ask someone out to a date, and then there are even different dates that can occur. I can picture it now, "Crikey! Notice how the female species is looking adoringly into the male counterparts eyes, the time is right for the pickin'. The male should act a little disinterested, don't want to seem a bit too desperate. There's plenty of time later to russle in the jungle and get your little soldiers to find the lake and grass in a desert. And at the right time, the male should approach the female for another date, but nothing too extraordinary, it's just the second date, mate. "

That would be nice, only in my head it goes more like, "She is awfully quiet....should I have asked her to go out with a group of friends, instead? She seemed really interested in me, before this silence, maybe if I ask her out to another date, all will be fine, wait, maybe i should try to say something to lighten the moment or do something to make her laugh...should i kiss her? Should I say something? Should I splurge and order her some more fries? McDonald's is pretty classy...wait...is Mickey D's too tacky? *sigh* I give up..."

I cannot keep up with all the rules. It should just be like how it was in grade school..."Please Circle one. DO YOU LIKE ME? __ YES or __ NO." And then figure things out from there. None of this, well I'll invite her to get some coffee and test the waters and see how it goes from there. And then you are planning during the coffee date, when to ask her out again and where to take her this time...and you are sooo caught up in that, that you completely missed her story about the time when she accidentally walked out of a store with an item that she completely forgot she was wearing setting off the alarms...major embarassing, and it just so happens that she asked you a question about her incident which answer required for you to be listening to her story, however you were too busy playing the game making your next move that you are completely blindsided with this new move she put on you and could be the dealbreaker....AHHHHHHHHHH THE STRESS!!

I just wish I had the balls to stand up, pick up a bat and swing when the ball comes my way...however, when it comes to game, I have none whatsoever...*sigh*

23 Years Passed: I Feel Like a Failure

I am 23. Two decades plus 3 years old. I look at my life and see that I have accomplished nothing. It is now 2007 and I reflect back upon my life and see that I am still stuck in the same town I grew up in. Still living in my parent's house...still stuck in school, not achieving much. I am in school and barely doing average. I know C's get degrees, but what if I want to go to graduate school later on in life? How great of a chance will I have with all of my C's. I messsed up in school, and now I see that I will be paying for it in the future.

I need to get more serious with school. I mean sure, I can do well without studying. This semester I got one A, two B's(one B+), and C+ on my grades without studying, reading, and doing all paper and projects last minute, like the night before it is due and at times the morning right before it was due. Pretty snazzy right? Only I got an F and taht really dropped my G.P.A. down a lot. So instead of getting a 3.00+, my G.P.A. is somewhere along the lines of a 2.3+...I can say that I will study more and read and yadda yadda yadda, but that so far, has gotten me in the same place I am right now.

I know I am barely 23, and I have the rest of my life to worry about moving out of the house and about my future and my aspirations after getting my Bachelor's, but I look at myself and I wonder how much have I really changed? I do not see much of anything when I look at myself. I want to give up on school. I really do, even though I can finish it soon, but I really feel like giving up. Only because I am in school to get a degree for my parents. For my brothers, my past teachers, and now for my friends, because they are all doing it too. I don't know when this wide-eyed(just an expression because we know my eyes don't get that wide) little kid with the motivation and love for school turned into a cynical "I can just get by, by doing the minimum work possible" guy. I honestly dislike school and I have been there for 5 years already. Five years and although I am labeled as a Senior, I still have two more years to go, hopefully if all goes well and as planned. I already have gotten two F's in the past two semesters. And with that I honestly feel like I did Fail.

And now it is 2007, and I see everyone graduating. This seems to be the year for everyone. John La, Chen, Truong, Thao, Va, Vickie, Channy, Anna, Chris...it is like what the f**k have I been doing? I mean I could have graduated by now. I always make jokes about me not graduating until 2010, but deep down inside I was really sad because it probably would be that way. Everyone says, take your time, but I just want to get it over with. Even though I will get my Bachelor's, I will still think I will have failed. Most of my close group of friends will have graduated this year. Most of my friends taht I have made in Fullerton will be gone(or are already gone since our semester is over in May). And I will still be there...

Even after I get my Bachelor's, I still don't know what I want to do or what I will be doing. I still am as clueless about what I want to do now then when I first got to CSUF, if not more. I see my friends knowing what they want to do. J.T. going to pharmacy school in Nevada, Truong still going into medical, David still going into business...and then there's me. Lost somewhere in the middle.

This is so uncharacteristic of me, worrying about school. I always give off a nonchalant feeling towards school, but I do care. I want to get out, but I do care. I just wish that I had all the answers. I wish I would stop feeling the way I do, because I know that I will finish school to get a degree. I just can't help feeling like a failure...in everything...in school...in love...in life.