Happy Birthday Shanon!!! Have a great 19th!

Happy Birthday Shanon!!! Have a great 19th!

Shanon Yu: Hey there chick...hope you have a great 19th Birthday. I know I just met you a while ago, but are a great person. I am glad I got to know you and I had fun kicking it with ya. You deserve the best! Keep your head up and don't let anything bring ya down. You are 19!! Two more years and you can drink legally!!! Haha...have a great one!

Poem 1

The setting of the sun
Trees that were once green, lush and full
Change color and eventually fall
The decay of my body and mind
Both physically and mentally.
I am old for my age
For my age depicts nothing of me.
My false happiness emits one thing
While my eyes confess the truth.
But when do you take the time to look?
I can no longer keep up this facade.
I am unhappy
in life, love and hope.
I promote myself to everyone as cheerful
As if you actually matter.
That you are somebdoy I have to impress.
But why should I care
when you do not give me the light of day?

Everyday I face an internal battle
With myself, about everything.
The nurturing mother-figure
Treating me as if I were still a 6 year old kid.
I am far from it,
But my age depicts noting of me.
Living under a roof full of noise
Which doesn't come from construction.
Screams and yells so loud
It is like a Sonic Boom in my head
collasping my Brain.
My smile hides my hurt,
But my tears reflect the truth.
And when did you even bother to look?

Sometimes the pain is so bad,
That it surpasses the tears in the eyes.
It is more of an internal cringing,
That releases tears from the heart.
People say I have the carefree nature
That of a little boy.
And a boy is all that I am.
For I am far from being a man.
But age is just a number,
And age depicts nothing of me.
My attitude seems so nonchalant,
Yet my crys for help are unresponded.
When did you ever listen?
When did you ever open your eyes to look,
And see the person that is me?!?!
--Johnson Chang 09/13/02

Poem 2

The sun is calling me.
Splashing its rays of sunshine
Like a waterfall hitting the creek below it.
Another day has gone by and another one begins

My mind drifts away from temporary Death.
As my eyes adjust to the reality of a blurry room.
The rays of golden luster burn my eyes.
And I turn rhe blinds to shut out the sunshine,
From my eyes, from my life.

Oh glorious day!
But I see nothing glorious about it.
Why do you take away the happiness of my Night?
Why must I face the dawn,
When the dusk seems so much brighter?

The Night protects me with her darkness,
And tucks me in with the comfort
Of knowing that today has come to an end.
But you always come back!
Everything happens when you're around!

From Columbine, to the abduction and murder of Samantha Runion.
And who can forget the morning of
September 11, when our two great towers
Crashed onto the ground.
Innocent people should not have to die!

So why do you always come back?
Shining your rays of false hope.
When all you bring is Grief,
Destruction, Pain, and Death.
Why can't you just go away?

I shield you from my life
I view life through the darkness of my sunglasses;
Darkness is all I know.
The darkness through my glasses seem to comfort my heart
However, my vision is fuzzy today.
I see the evil, all of it
Which breeds through my darkness.
Maybe it is time to let go
Of the darkness that blocks my light,
Maybe it is time to stop hiding behind my glasses.
Let in the rays of sunshine
To dispel my dark hoovering cloud.
I remove my dingy glasses
Away from my eyes, to embrace the sun!
But the sun hides beneath the horizon.

Maybe the sun isn't ready,
To open itself up to me...
--Johnson Chang 09/12/02

One Thing Different...

Every day is a new challenge for me to face. I have my own problems and my own thoughts regardless of what I show or don't show. I tend to hold everything in, so I don't show much. I don't really know how I made it this far. Thinking back on my life, I had so much things that I could have participated in that could have changed the way I am today. Why did I not fall for peer pressure? Why did I have to be different? Why did I have to have morals? If I would have done one thing different, my life today would not be like it is today.

"You are strong Johnson. If I would have lived at your house, I would have been doing that shyet everyday." That is what Nina told me in one of her letters. I have been told I am strong by many people. They admire how I don't use drugs. How I have my head on straight. Big fucken deal. Why didn't I jsut go on and take some drugs? Smoke some crack or tweak? I don't know why. I didn't want to. I could have taken the easy way out. I could have just taken the crack pipe, light it up and see what happens. I chose not to. For my friends, for myself. If you didn't know, my house was once one of the well known drug house in South El Monte. It prolly was known a lot more places. My brother...a drug dealer, who was pretty high on the ranks of drug dealers. If you wanted some ish, they would all come down to my house. People I didn't know would stop by, and all I did was say hi. Kept to myself...that was all I could do. Seeing my brothers and their friends who I have grown up with just wasting away on drugs...on their free time just doing drugs and then staying up the whole night...and I think I could have easily took it with them. I could have became a drug addict. Let tweak or crack be my best friend. It would have saved me a lot of tears...a lot of pain. But I didn't. I refused to put any of that in my system. Never let any of that touch my lips. I was better than that. I don't do drugs...but I could. And I wonder what would have happened if I did try it....what would happen if I became dependent on that stuff?

I saw an episode of Cosby. They had an intervention for a friend who did coke. He had a problem. They all gathered round him and tried to make him admit he had a problem. Said it was so much easier to run away from the problem. I wonder why I ran from drugs...don't get me wrong, I still don't intend on using them, but wouldn't life be different if I did?

Everyone seems to think gangs are cool. I know many youngsters who joined a gang, due to peer pressure. Their friends joined, so they did too. I have been around gangsters pretty much my whole life. Some I didn't know were gangsters. Many of them stopped by my house. My brothers knew a lot of them. Some would come for the drugs, some would come for the company. Whoever did come, I just stayed out of their ways. I got to know a few. They were really cool. Just don't do anything to piss them off or back stab them or anything, or else you better join the witness protection program. I lived my life in fear most of the time. But I did get offered to join them. Sure...seemed like a good life. Money wasn't a problem. Always got people watching your back. Seemed good. But I didn't join. I passed...it wasn't the life for me. It seemed tempting, but I don't think I could do whatever it is that gangsters do. I am too nice...and I think that is what stopped me. I can't even pull the trigger on those fake cap guns that you can get off the ice cream man for a dollar. If I wasn't so nice, I don't think I would be the same Johnson that you all know me as. I had nothing holding me back to join the gang, cept myself. My kindness...could you imagine me....a gangster? A gangbanger? This could have been....

Johnson Chang...overall nice guy. Why am I so nice? I just like to see people happy. I want to please everyone. Reality Check...everyone can't be made happy. I try to though. Do anything I can to see people smile...doing better. That is what describes me all over...NICE...Niceboi518...nice personality, nice looks, nice attitude, nice life...just nice. When is nice ever too nice? I took the hard way to get my nice life...but there is so much crap in it, i don't consider it nice. I always put on an act...i always seem to be doing well...but i have so much things stored up inside me, i jsut got to explode...but I don't. Why? Because that wouldn't be...Nice....I am sick and tired of being the nice guy...don't get me wrong, I like it...being nice isn't a bad thing, but being nice gets you walked all over upon, by everyone. And I don't know what to do to change...because I have accepted myself as the nice guy. I like being the nice guy, but I am sick and tired of being pushed over and getting screwed becasue I am the nice guy. I was watching The Other Half today, and it said that you cant always be nice, you cant please everyone...I know that. My brother has even told me that being nice isnt good. He was a nice guy too. until he started dealing drugs...that taught him to be a touch guy quick. I have no experience in my life to teach me how to be tough. I am just Johnson. Nothing seems to go my way, but do I let taht bug me? Nope...jsut keep smiling...everything is going to be all right....I like being the nice guy...maybe it isn't so bad...but then again "Nice guys always finish LAST..." and that is where I always finish...*sigh* But I guess that is just me...Johnson Chang...overall nice guy...could you picture me as something else? Didn't think so....

Rebuilding....

What a day....I am really pissed right now...or maybe not pissed, but agitated or just frustrated for lack of a better word with friends. I just find that I figure that if I spend my time to chill with them, and put aside stuff to go chill with them, I would figure that I'd get the same back in return. Granted, I don't always go out with them, and sometimes I don't feel like going, but I still do go. Not all friends have been making me feel this way.

All right, this starts on July 6th. I play tennis with my friend Kaymi, and yeah, we walk my lil puppy. We stop by J.V.'s house and he mentions something about going to shoot pool. Well, I take my time to call up people and ask them to go shoot pool. Some wnat to, some don't. My friend Chen then brings up the possibility to go to the driving range. So I call people and ask if they want to go. Everyone seems like they want to go, just later. J.V. is all ready shooting pool with his friend, and later Van, Chen and I go too. I just go to chill because I am not much of a pool player. It turns out that everyone decided they did not want to go shoot pool or driving range. They planned to go there the next day.

Next day rolls along, and they go to the driving range. Except I wasn't there. I get a call from Chen and he tells me that they are all ready almost there. So if I wanted to go I would have to call John La, who would be rolling out soon. I just found that to be messed up. I called up everyone, and yet, I am the one who gets left behind. I had no car to get down there, and I did not feel like going anymore. I just wanted to go and spend time with my friends. Go and chill with them, so I mention to go do anything. Pretty cool how they go and do it...and I don't. Another thing proving that things freaking change...even if you like it or not. I know that this is one time, and we prolly will go to driving range anotehr time, but the fact is, all i wanted to do was to hang out, have fun....just like we used to do. That is why I go out with them, and go to places that I don't even feel like going sometimes. I went to shoot pool with them, and I don't even paly pool anymore...it was teh fact that they left all ready and called me when they were almost there. Didn't even ask if I had a ride or anything...just left without me. I guess I am just trying too hard to hold on to the past. And I am getting left behind in it as well...

I am still angry about that, but I am more hurt. I've been ditched before in the past, and I really hate that feeling. I understand that people have their own lives. I have my own too, whether you believe that I do or not. Work and daily errands can cause you to become tired and everything. It's jsut that I don't feel like I get back the friendships I put out. I mean friendship is a two way street. You give and you recieve. I just think that I am giving too much and not recieveing much in return.

On a happier note, I am trying to rebuild my friendships with people. I say rebuild, but it was never broken. It was just that I distanced myself from everyone after what had happened to Roy, that I had lost touch with many of them. It is pretty cool to jsut have one on one talks with your friends. Jeni and I had a late night Carrow's run. We went there and ate, but more importantly we caught up on things with eachother. This doesnt seem like much, but we don't do taht really taht often. She was one of the people who was there for me no matter what. And she was someone who made sure I was feeling better after everything that happened. We lose touch, but we never lsoe sight of the friendship. We played tennis, and had fun.

Rosa and I went job hunting. We talked and stuff, but mainly messed around like we always do. We went around teh Puente Hills mall and the Montebello mall and applied for jobs and asked for applications. We drifted apart as well, but we always find a way to rebuild.

Julie Kim....I have known her for so long now, and I have yet to meet her. She only lives in Diamond Bar, and I am willing to drive over there to meet her, but somehow she never picks up the phone when I call her. She is suppose to let me borrow Breakfast at Tiffany's, but despite my tries of calling, she jsut doesn't answer. And that makes me feel like I am not a good friend or something and she is avioding me. We talk online, sure, but everything jsut seems so hard.

I know I bitch and complain, but times are really hard for me now. I thought I'd be better. But every little thing is just another reminder about how fragile friendships are. All you do is rebuild with someone. Even when things don't go wrong. I can't help but to bitch or complain. I want everything to be normal...back like it used to be...easier. I understand taht I am not perfect as well. I am not the perfect friend. I made some choices or decisions that prolly pissed my freinds off. Friendships are never meant to be perfect. They are like relationships. They can feel like the greatest thing in the world, and they can make you feel really crappy. You will smile and you will argue. When there is an argument, you gotta fight it, and make sure that it works out. Not just let it slip. There is a saying, "In the end, everything is okay. If everything is not okay, it's not the end." And my frienships aren't over...they are just...rebuilding.

Diana....I still miss you....

Changes....

First and foremost, Happy 4th of July everyone!

Now, back to the Blogger. Anyways, I guess I am going to be reposting on my Blogger again. I found out that it was really relaxing not to type out anythng here, but also found out that it just gave me more stress, because I was back to holding everything in again. I guess this is the only thing I use to unleash and to cope with things. So here goes...

Topic: Changes

I think I deal with this topic too much. I know taht I have written something in the past about this, but it always comes back up. I mean that is what our lives and world is based upon...CHANGE. Everything changes...the weather, friendships, relationships, people...regardless if we like it or not. I used to be a firm belivever in not changing...but it happens whether you know it or not. I look back at old yearbooks, and see the physical changes of everyone, and i read some people's comments they wrote to me. A lot of them said, "Don't change!" Well, the fact is..I have changed. My life is different, my world is different...everything is different. And only a few people really recognize it. I always put up a big act...seems like Johnson is always happy...nothing seems to be bothering him. Always the goofball making people laugh. Always putting others before himself... I get tired of that, but I feel that if I help others and make them feel better, no one will ask me about mine. Even if they did, I wouldn't talk anyways...Everything gets held inside...Gotta keep smiling regardless...gotta have a happy disposition.

The smiles sometimes hurt. Changes...many things have changed in this year alone. And I find it funny how some changes happen. This year changed everything for a group of friends, myself included. We lost a brother in our long developing family. It was devastating. But I have to admit, some good did come out of that horrible incident. Without that happening, none of us would have gotte to know Thao. She is a great person. Without this happening, the friendships that we have now with eachother, wouldn't have been this strong. We are all going out together, planning things together....mostly everytime we go out. Back then it would be a specified activity once a month with everyone...but you know what? I would happily give that all up just to have you back.

Through trying times, you find out that a lot of people are there for you. Some are there for you all the way. Some are there for you, just to listen to your feelings..some give feedback..and some say that they will be there for you, even if you don't want to talk, they will just stay on the line and just wait in silence with you. Those are great gestures, but I feel they are a waste of your time. If I am not going to talk, I am not going to talk. So I'd rather not talk by myself than to drag along a friend. It is harder to cope and deal with things on your own, but I dont want to take up and waste someone else's time and just wait and not talk, but Thanks to everyone who offered to be there for me...I still am not ready, but if I ever am, I will consider you.

Relationships change...these can hurt. Just to simplify, I was seeing Diana, the girl that I had a crsuh on since her Freshman year, and when I was a Junior. It was so cool find out that she liked me too, but it was kind of sucky how we didn't let eachother know until she was a Junior and I was a Freshman in college. Things were going great, but then things changed. Yeah, we are still friends, but it s hard to move on. This wasn't like I met ehr and had a crush on her...this was a long time thing...but it's all right..Change happens, and I accept that. I sitll like her, but we are just friends.

Speaking of friends, friendships change as well. I mean I have kept in touch with many of my high school friends, but our friendships are completely different now. Thngs aren't the same. At SEM, there was our group that consisted of the Shively 6 Guys and Columbia 2 Gurls...Now....although we still chill with eachother, things have become really distant. I also chilled with a group of gurls. Things withthem are all right I guess, but I think I am slowly fading out again. Some of them don't really talk until they do a group thing...and everyone has changed in their own way...its just not the same as before. Online friends or rather the Online Family. It isn't a family anymore. Had so many friends to talk to. Now, the main online friends I talk to...Julie, Adelle, and Steffy. Two were my ex-g/f. And even now, things aren't the same...I feel that we are drifting apart. I mean sure there are the usual and custom "Hello" and "goodbye" or "Good night," but other than that...its nothing. I know we are all growing up and maturing, but there will always be a a part of me that wants to hold on to the past. Wants to linger on to what was. Although we still talk and stuff, sometimes it is just to say "Hello" or "goodbye."

"Sometimes it's best to talk to a stranger because I find that they are most honest with you. "
I find this true. I have been talking to this one girl who I met through Lysa and Lyly once. Her name is Shanon. She seems to be easy to talk to. And I don't really know her, it seems like talking to her is alot easier than talking to friends. And I guess that strangers are more honest because they don't know you, so they don't really care if they do. Friends tend to hold back information so as not to hurt you. I find it weird how with someone I don't really know I am able to talk alot more about the problems bothering me than to a friend who has been there from teh start. I guess everyone has a fear of getting judged from a really close friend.

"Honest opinions coming from a friend are better than 'thoughtful' opinions coming from a stranger."
This is also true as well...I think the best critisizms come from your friends, because not only can they take the viewpoint of a stranger, but they also know you, and can give you an even more in depth critisizm than a stranger. It is just too scary to find out what your friends really think. Friends alway tell you things, truth or not, but there is always a little information they hol dback to spare you feelings. I guess that it is for the best. Friendship is not a one way street. One person cannot be putting all the effort into it. Both persons invovled have to put effort into the friendship in order to make it owrk. So things change, but it is up to you on how much you are willing to let it change. Take charge of your life, I am hoping I am able to take a hold of mine....

That's Just the Way it is...

I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
is life worth living should I blast myself?
I'm tired of bein' poor...
...I'd love to go back to when we played as kids
but things changed, and that's the way it is

That's just the way it is
Things'll never be the same
That's just the way it is
--Tupac Shakur "Changes"