Life is messed up...
Life is fucked up...
Life is short...
Life sucks...
Life just isn't worth living...
Life is fucked up...
Life is short...
Life sucks...
Life just isn't worth living...
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
Dear god...if there really is a god,
If you're up there or whoever was responsible for bringing him back...thanks. Now I am asking for one of your miracles. I still don't believe that something like this is happening. Lately, I have been questioning my faith in you...I mean how could you just rip away a piece of my family...our family? You took away the wrong person...this really can't be happening. This is a dream right? So why the heck won't you allow me to wake up and find things back to normal...before all of this stuff has happened. Why can't I wake up from this nightmare? I know that I haven't been exactly the best Christian that I could be, but if you grant me this miracle and return Roy to us healthy and just get things back to normal, I'll change. I need some reassurance that you are the real deal. I haven't asked you for anything...but I am asking for this. Please return him safely to us and his family. We all need him. People say that you have this big game plan and all of our lives are predestined. If that is true, you made a mistake by taking him from us. YOU MADE A MISTAKE!!! Even you can make a mistake...He has so much to live for...and he will accomplish those dreams and goals. So bring him back safely. I know that time cannot go back, but if it could, I wouldn't want to go swimming on that day, and would prevent him from it. I miss him so much...he is my best friend, and was always there to set me straight and calm me down. He lives only two blocks away from my house, and if I ever needed anything...he was always there. I am mad that I don't have a lot of or remember a lot of stories about Roy, but then again I don't want to because memories mean he really is gone, and I have not accepted that. He is okay. He will return to us safely, and he will survive despite the odds, and you are going to help him....you have to help him...please...I am hoping and praying that some miracle will occur and it will restablish my faith in you. Please, return him back to us...in God's name I pray...Amen.
If you're up there or whoever was responsible for bringing him back...thanks. Now I am asking for one of your miracles. I still don't believe that something like this is happening. Lately, I have been questioning my faith in you...I mean how could you just rip away a piece of my family...our family? You took away the wrong person...this really can't be happening. This is a dream right? So why the heck won't you allow me to wake up and find things back to normal...before all of this stuff has happened. Why can't I wake up from this nightmare? I know that I haven't been exactly the best Christian that I could be, but if you grant me this miracle and return Roy to us healthy and just get things back to normal, I'll change. I need some reassurance that you are the real deal. I haven't asked you for anything...but I am asking for this. Please return him safely to us and his family. We all need him. People say that you have this big game plan and all of our lives are predestined. If that is true, you made a mistake by taking him from us. YOU MADE A MISTAKE!!! Even you can make a mistake...He has so much to live for...and he will accomplish those dreams and goals. So bring him back safely. I know that time cannot go back, but if it could, I wouldn't want to go swimming on that day, and would prevent him from it. I miss him so much...he is my best friend, and was always there to set me straight and calm me down. He lives only two blocks away from my house, and if I ever needed anything...he was always there. I am mad that I don't have a lot of or remember a lot of stories about Roy, but then again I don't want to because memories mean he really is gone, and I have not accepted that. He is okay. He will return to us safely, and he will survive despite the odds, and you are going to help him....you have to help him...please...I am hoping and praying that some miracle will occur and it will restablish my faith in you. Please, return him back to us...in God's name I pray...Amen.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
A start to opening up....So much stuff has happened...
I still have not accepted the fact that he is gone. He will come back. He is strong. Stronger than me. It is just so hard to go on with your regular life. Why does time have to move on....Why can't it just stop and resume when everything is better? People are worried about me...but I don't see waht the point is. They tell me to eat something, or drink something...Still gotta do well in school...but I just keep thinking, why am I so blessed as to be able to take another breath of air? Why do I get to eat and drink? Why do I get to go to school?
School does go on, and it is really hard to concentrate. Tests are so much harder and I don't even feel like going to class sometimes, but I have to. And in one class, we have to do some Service Learning thing. I chose a place in Santa Ana called THINK Together. I mentor and tutor children who go to the program. It is really hard to pretend that everything is so peachy keen while in my reality it is not. I can't bring my problems to the little kids, so I just act like nothing can bring me down. It is hard, but the kids have been a breath of fresh air recently.
Got a stupid parking ticket at my own damn school. Had to watch a play and I didn't have a parking permit because David and I carpool, and I didn't get it the day before, so I parked and went to watch the show...It was really good. A...My Name Is Alice. I come back and get a $20 ticket. Aren't there times when the damn parking permit doesn't work anymore? Whatever, it's the least of my worries as of now...
Lotta people went to the beach to leave flowers and pray for Roy on Sunday. Teachers, friends, and classmates of Roy. It was really hard to get out of bed taht day and go to the place that I last saw my friend. What is even harder is to see everyone again. I cannot look anyone in the face. it is just to difficult to see the pain and anguish in their face. I still see it as my fault, and everyone tells me it isn't my fault, and one day I will see it that way as well, but as of now, it is my fault, and every new face is another face that I let down.
"We're in this together..." Though that statement has some truth, no one can understand how I really feel because there is more to my story than in anyone else's story. I was more "invovled" than the stupid exploiting newspapers stated.
I am weak...I see Thao and Jessica, Roy's Girlfriend and Lil Sis, and they seem to be so strong. I wish I could be like them. But it is hard, when I cannot even look them in the eye. I feel that I have let them down the most. And his parents especially. His parents blame me for what happened, and I don't blame them.
Yesterday we spent another day/night at the beach. A lot of people came by. Gathered a lot of people at the beach. Some who we haven't seen since Graduation. More faces that I let down. Roy's mom was there and she came up to me and put a mean guilt trip on me. And by what I heard I know she resents me and hates me and blames me. Because of me, I caused this gathering of people, who shouldn't have been there in the first place. Prayed for him, cried, lit some incense for him. I'm Sorry...
"Cmon, Help him find his way to his family, friends, loved ones. His parents need and miss him. His friends miss him and need him, his sister, I do too...He was always there to listen to the crap going on with me and my family, and was always there to reassure me that things would be all right. It's hard with out him here...You can't take him away from us. We have become a family throughout our years even though we don't admit to it, and we don't always hang out, but we have become a family. It took us four years to build it up and you cannot just just take away one of our family members. You can't take away my brother. We might not have had the same family in our middle schools, but some of us were building a part of it, and it took high school for us to connect our mini famiy to create the big picture...Now we have accepted it, and now we are missing a huge piece of it. Bring him back safely. Help him find his way to everyone who cares about him...We all miss him. Bring him back to family..."
This has been a really hectic time for me, and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has tried to cheer me up. I know that it is hard for you too, and it hurts to see me the way I was.
Jenifer: Thanks for everything that you have done...I know things are hard for you and I am not helping. I appreciate everything that you have been doing for me.
Nam: I did not think that anyone knew what I was going through. You told me a lot yesterday. I didn't think that you would be someone who could make me feel a bit better. You always seemed to be crackign jokes and I did not expect you to be there, but thanks for everything. I will try to get better...
Thao and Jessica Lee: You are two of the strongest people I know. I don't know how you could forgive me for something that I did or caused. I see you smile, and I just picture Roy telling me that "Everything will be all right." Your words mean a lot to me.
Jessica Tu and Joi: Thanks for being there for me through everything. You helped me a lot.
Anna: You have helped a lot too. Just by being there and caring. You have always been a great friend.
Candy and Cindy: We have gone though so much together. This is a roadblock in our lives, but your comforting words and emotions have been helpful. You were there to comfort and calm me down...thanks.
J.T., Truong, David, and J.V.: Sorry guys...We have become a band of brothers, and to lose one is hard. I fel so much like crap, but thanks for trying ot cheer me up and doing whatever you could to make me see things differently. We have known eachother for many years, and ben through so many rough times, but tahnks for trying to help me through this one. I mean you all have been strong, and to see all of you cry is nervewrecking...I'm the sensitive one and to have you all break down is hard to comprehend. But thanks for everything...
I know there have been many more, but at the time, these people pop in my head...I don't feel like typing anymore, maybe i could talk about how i am feeling one day, (don't worry Nam, I will talk to someone) To everyone I didn't get to mention, it doesn't mean that I don't think you helped me, you did, its just that there is too much crap going through my mind, and I could barely even remember the people I mentioned, but Thanks for everything.
It's still hard to face people...I can't look anyone in the eyes...
We are in this together....
I still have not accepted the fact that he is gone. He will come back. He is strong. Stronger than me. It is just so hard to go on with your regular life. Why does time have to move on....Why can't it just stop and resume when everything is better? People are worried about me...but I don't see waht the point is. They tell me to eat something, or drink something...Still gotta do well in school...but I just keep thinking, why am I so blessed as to be able to take another breath of air? Why do I get to eat and drink? Why do I get to go to school?
School does go on, and it is really hard to concentrate. Tests are so much harder and I don't even feel like going to class sometimes, but I have to. And in one class, we have to do some Service Learning thing. I chose a place in Santa Ana called THINK Together. I mentor and tutor children who go to the program. It is really hard to pretend that everything is so peachy keen while in my reality it is not. I can't bring my problems to the little kids, so I just act like nothing can bring me down. It is hard, but the kids have been a breath of fresh air recently.
Got a stupid parking ticket at my own damn school. Had to watch a play and I didn't have a parking permit because David and I carpool, and I didn't get it the day before, so I parked and went to watch the show...It was really good. A...My Name Is Alice. I come back and get a $20 ticket. Aren't there times when the damn parking permit doesn't work anymore? Whatever, it's the least of my worries as of now...
Lotta people went to the beach to leave flowers and pray for Roy on Sunday. Teachers, friends, and classmates of Roy. It was really hard to get out of bed taht day and go to the place that I last saw my friend. What is even harder is to see everyone again. I cannot look anyone in the face. it is just to difficult to see the pain and anguish in their face. I still see it as my fault, and everyone tells me it isn't my fault, and one day I will see it that way as well, but as of now, it is my fault, and every new face is another face that I let down.
"We're in this together..." Though that statement has some truth, no one can understand how I really feel because there is more to my story than in anyone else's story. I was more "invovled" than the stupid exploiting newspapers stated.
I am weak...I see Thao and Jessica, Roy's Girlfriend and Lil Sis, and they seem to be so strong. I wish I could be like them. But it is hard, when I cannot even look them in the eye. I feel that I have let them down the most. And his parents especially. His parents blame me for what happened, and I don't blame them.
Yesterday we spent another day/night at the beach. A lot of people came by. Gathered a lot of people at the beach. Some who we haven't seen since Graduation. More faces that I let down. Roy's mom was there and she came up to me and put a mean guilt trip on me. And by what I heard I know she resents me and hates me and blames me. Because of me, I caused this gathering of people, who shouldn't have been there in the first place. Prayed for him, cried, lit some incense for him. I'm Sorry...
"Cmon, Help him find his way to his family, friends, loved ones. His parents need and miss him. His friends miss him and need him, his sister, I do too...He was always there to listen to the crap going on with me and my family, and was always there to reassure me that things would be all right. It's hard with out him here...You can't take him away from us. We have become a family throughout our years even though we don't admit to it, and we don't always hang out, but we have become a family. It took us four years to build it up and you cannot just just take away one of our family members. You can't take away my brother. We might not have had the same family in our middle schools, but some of us were building a part of it, and it took high school for us to connect our mini famiy to create the big picture...Now we have accepted it, and now we are missing a huge piece of it. Bring him back safely. Help him find his way to everyone who cares about him...We all miss him. Bring him back to family..."
This has been a really hectic time for me, and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has tried to cheer me up. I know that it is hard for you too, and it hurts to see me the way I was.
Jenifer: Thanks for everything that you have done...I know things are hard for you and I am not helping. I appreciate everything that you have been doing for me.
Nam: I did not think that anyone knew what I was going through. You told me a lot yesterday. I didn't think that you would be someone who could make me feel a bit better. You always seemed to be crackign jokes and I did not expect you to be there, but thanks for everything. I will try to get better...
Thao and Jessica Lee: You are two of the strongest people I know. I don't know how you could forgive me for something that I did or caused. I see you smile, and I just picture Roy telling me that "Everything will be all right." Your words mean a lot to me.
Jessica Tu and Joi: Thanks for being there for me through everything. You helped me a lot.
Anna: You have helped a lot too. Just by being there and caring. You have always been a great friend.
Candy and Cindy: We have gone though so much together. This is a roadblock in our lives, but your comforting words and emotions have been helpful. You were there to comfort and calm me down...thanks.
J.T., Truong, David, and J.V.: Sorry guys...We have become a band of brothers, and to lose one is hard. I fel so much like crap, but thanks for trying ot cheer me up and doing whatever you could to make me see things differently. We have known eachother for many years, and ben through so many rough times, but tahnks for trying to help me through this one. I mean you all have been strong, and to see all of you cry is nervewrecking...I'm the sensitive one and to have you all break down is hard to comprehend. But thanks for everything...
I know there have been many more, but at the time, these people pop in my head...I don't feel like typing anymore, maybe i could talk about how i am feeling one day, (don't worry Nam, I will talk to someone) To everyone I didn't get to mention, it doesn't mean that I don't think you helped me, you did, its just that there is too much crap going through my mind, and I could barely even remember the people I mentioned, but Thanks for everything.
It's still hard to face people...I can't look anyone in the eyes...
We are in this together....
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Sunday, March 16, 2003
This is all that I ask and plead.
We need our son, brother, and friend
To come back to love and to tend.
God, he is a good man
with a life and a plan.
He deserves a long life
With a house, kids and a wife.
God, please give keep him alive.
Give him the strength to survive.
Lord, please help us find him.
He is lost in the water in which he swims.
Lead him back to the sand.
Give him the strength to stand.
Please don't let him fall.
So he can come home, once and for all.
Amen.
You have to make it...You NEED to make it...we NEED you....I NEED you...You gotta drive up to my house and crack a joke at me and laugh and smile..like you always do....Come on man...Everything is going to be all right...Hang in there!!!!
I'm Sorry...It's All My FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You need to come back....We all NEED you...I NEED you...who's going to hear all the crap that is going on with my family, and always lend a listening ear and reassure me that "everything's going to be all right." Your home has been a safe haven for me...Come on man...Everything's going to be all right...
To anyone who doesn't know...I am the friend who made it...Why do I get to survive?
Saturday, March 08, 2003
Finished reading Oedipus Rex and I did not understnad most of it, so now I gotta stop by Julie's and get tutored on it!!! Drove to Fullerton, even after my near-death experience, but hey, a grade is worth more than my life....Left at 12, go there by 12:25. Less time tahn I expected, so I read some of Ed Rex. Then the doors opened at 1:20. So, I went and got my seat. Watched The Merry Wives of Windsor, a play by the great William Shakespeare. The Fullerton Theatre Department(a really good program) changed it to an England Windsor to a 50's Windsor, Connetticut. It was pretty good. Very funny, and entertaining. Now I have 4 more plays to watch!! All in all, it was a good day, but a lot of things with weird language...Greek play by Sophocles and Shakespearean Play...I will never understand old english....thus, thy, thee, shant, wouldst, etc...AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Jenifer: i read a lot of things wrong
Jenifer: i'm a little dyslexic
Kathie: u are.
Jenifer: that's what i think
Kathie: i didn't know that
Kathie: for real
Jenifer: hahaha
Kathie: dose thsi mkae senes
Jenifer: dork
Kathie: haahaa
Kathie: lol
I found out that Kathie is a lot funnier than I have known her to be!!! Kathie, Henry, and Johnson....The Comedy Team of Chung, Phung, and Chang!!!
Jenifer: i'm a little dyslexic
Kathie: u are.
Jenifer: that's what i think
Kathie: i didn't know that
Kathie: for real
Jenifer: hahaha
Kathie: dose thsi mkae senes
Jenifer: dork
Kathie: haahaa
Kathie: lol
I found out that Kathie is a lot funnier than I have known her to be!!! Kathie, Henry, and Johnson....The Comedy Team of Chung, Phung, and Chang!!!
I haven't been in the modd of blogging lately and because of that, I missed telling you of some birthdays.... so here goes....
John La (February 15): Hey man, Happy Birthday man!! You are a freaking decade older!!! What the hell? When did this happen? I can't see you as a twenty year old. Freaking Geezer!! But thanks for always being there for me and talking some sense into my head when i was talking about dropping out and all taht stuff. You're a cool homie....
Lyly Tran (February 28): Hey Lyly!! Haven't seen ya in a long time sicne ya went to Colorado. It has been nice seeing you again, but sorry couldn't hang out with you more. We have been through a lot together when you were first here, and you have been a good friend to get to know. You are one funny person, and you always crack me up. Smoking is bad girl...other than that, you look good. Congrats in all of your future happiness. And I am more mature!!! (haha..insisde joke)
John Voong (March 2): Sup J.V. My first freind that I ever met in South El Monte. From our first day in Ms. Limekooler's class(or however you spell it) until now, you have been one of the best friends I have ever had. You were a brother to me when my brothers were acting like dicks. Sorry couldn't go to your b-day dinner. That was really crappy of me, but hey, you will have many more birthdays, and I will be there fot those b days as well..esp when you turn 21!!! And after I turn 21 you and me can go and be leagal!! Muahahha....rub it in to J.T.'s Truong's Roy's and David's faces!! Hope it was great...Thanks for being a great homie to a me!
And today...
Adelle Tereniel Pascual Cruz: Happy Birthday Adelle. After everything, I am still surprised that I remembered. My memory is not the best that it used to be. But hey, I remebered!!! Anyways hope you are havinga great time. It seems to look like you are doing way better. enjoy everything you do. We have gone thorough some awkwardness stages between us, but i'm glad that we can get through them and still remain friends. You have been a nice firend. You are wise for you age, and that always surpirsed me. It would seem at times that you were the college student and I would be the high school student. (even though you were technically at the time cuz you got accepted into UNLV while I was still in SEMHS...and I'm older tahn you!! haha...) Have a happy b-day with James and your family and friends. Its nice to see ya happy. Take cares Dellerito Gurl!!! _~From Titichu
John La (February 15): Hey man, Happy Birthday man!! You are a freaking decade older!!! What the hell? When did this happen? I can't see you as a twenty year old. Freaking Geezer!! But thanks for always being there for me and talking some sense into my head when i was talking about dropping out and all taht stuff. You're a cool homie....
Lyly Tran (February 28): Hey Lyly!! Haven't seen ya in a long time sicne ya went to Colorado. It has been nice seeing you again, but sorry couldn't hang out with you more. We have been through a lot together when you were first here, and you have been a good friend to get to know. You are one funny person, and you always crack me up. Smoking is bad girl...other than that, you look good. Congrats in all of your future happiness. And I am more mature!!! (haha..insisde joke)
John Voong (March 2): Sup J.V. My first freind that I ever met in South El Monte. From our first day in Ms. Limekooler's class(or however you spell it) until now, you have been one of the best friends I have ever had. You were a brother to me when my brothers were acting like dicks. Sorry couldn't go to your b-day dinner. That was really crappy of me, but hey, you will have many more birthdays, and I will be there fot those b days as well..esp when you turn 21!!! And after I turn 21 you and me can go and be leagal!! Muahahha....rub it in to J.T.'s Truong's Roy's and David's faces!! Hope it was great...Thanks for being a great homie to a me!
And today...
Adelle Tereniel Pascual Cruz: Happy Birthday Adelle. After everything, I am still surprised that I remembered. My memory is not the best that it used to be. But hey, I remebered!!! Anyways hope you are havinga great time. It seems to look like you are doing way better. enjoy everything you do. We have gone thorough some awkwardness stages between us, but i'm glad that we can get through them and still remain friends. You have been a nice firend. You are wise for you age, and that always surpirsed me. It would seem at times that you were the college student and I would be the high school student. (even though you were technically at the time cuz you got accepted into UNLV while I was still in SEMHS...and I'm older tahn you!! haha...) Have a happy b-day with James and your family and friends. Its nice to see ya happy. Take cares Dellerito Gurl!!! _~From Titichu
Friday, March 07, 2003
HOLY SHIET!!!: I had a near death experience!!! Well it wasn't that serious, but it is the closest to something serious I have been in for a while. After school at Fullerton, David and I were heading home. Everything was the same, riding in the Acura 3.0 CL and on the 57 freeway, when something hits the car and we hear it. We wonder "WTF?" but nothing happened so we just ignored it. We finally drive and hit the 60 freeway back home, and there is a big curve. We made it safe and then David switched lanes to go on the fast lane. Driving down the fast lane for about a minute, I tell David that there is a distinct noise whenever we switch lanes and go over the rumble strips, and shortly there after, I see David lose control of the car for less than a second, and we swerved. David said, "Fuck!" and then pressed the emergency lights and pulled over the the lane that is not really a lane on the middle divider. We got out and figured out what happened to the car. The tire popped and like there was not any sound of air coming out of a tire or anything. Anyways, David and I called our brothers to see waht the hell we were going to do, but then he and I put on the spare tire and then had a safe, but shaky way to my house. So scary...
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Oh...If i forgot to mention this, I went on a trip to Mexico!!! (March 1st) I explored the nether regions that is Tijuana and Rosarito! Damn I am a rebel! I just hope I didn't get any damn disease like Mad Cow Disease or something, and now I can't give blood on my scheduled date March 25 because I went to Mexico...I have to wait 3 months putting my goal of getting 100 blood donations and to have my picture on the wall on a little delay.....
