Reflections on Friendships

"As we go on, we remember,
All the times we, shared together...
And as our lives change, from whatever,
We will still be FRIENDS FOREVER!" --Vitamin C "Graduation"

We relate to friends at a very early age. Whether it is an imaginary friend that keeps us company at our little tea party with Barbie, Teddy Bear, and My Little Pony or the first person we meet in Preschool or Kindergarten, we all want to have a friend. The reasons why we become friends change every year. "John is my best friend because his name is John and mine is Johnson...we both have John in our names!" could be the reason in Kindergarten. "T.J. gave me his twinkie, so he is my best friend!" is the reason in 1st grade. It could even be, "Roy is my best friend because he is always there for me whenever things just don't go right for me.." in the 10th grade. Whatever the reason you become friends or consider one a best friend, one thing is certain. Friendships change. People change. So if one person is your friend one year, they could be an aquaintance the next year.

Think about it. A person will meet a lot of people throughout their life. Some will hate them, some will like them, some will try anything to get you to notice them. So out of all those people that you meet, how do you determine who is my friend and who isn't? Conversation. People who tend to talk more tend to be good friends. Sometimes a situation occurs that will get in the way of communication. During elementary and middle school, you meet someone in class and you will see that person in class for the rest of the school year everyday. SO you talk about anything and everything. But the next year you don't have the same teacher. You make a new friend to talk to. High school and college come around and you don't see your friend much anymore. Different classes, different high school or college, whatever. You tend to lose the closeness that you once shared. And life happens to everyone. The once talkative socialite could be a loner misfit in a few years. You never know waht cards life will deal to you, but you have to be able to accept it and play with the cards that you are dealt.

One friend will become two. You will be introduced to their friends and then your few circle of friends become a clique. So you know a lot of people, but majority of them are aquaintances. Sound kind of familiar? It is what we go through in life when we make friends. It is also the sad truth to certain sites that bring up the number of your group of friends. I admit that I joined Friendster. Many people did and went further and joined MySpace and others just like it. I look at my "friends" and I have 177. I am a popular guy. But as I look at all 177 friends on my profile, I realize that I don't talk to most of them. Most of them are just aquaintances. And some I only met once, but lo and behold they are on my friend list. Isn't the basis of friendster is to find friends and then hook up with thier friends to build up your circle of friends? It is really a gay concept, especially if you consider who is in your circle of friends. If it were truly Friendster, I would probably have just a good 10 people in my circle instead of 177.

Basically friendships change. If you were to tell me that I am not as close to a lot of my friends in high school, I would not have believed you a few years back. I see it now that it is true. I hardly speak to any of my friends in high school, even my close firends. We will have a mini conversation here and there, but nothing like the way we used to. I have changed many "best friends", cliques, and groups. I hung out with girls, guys, homies, drama people, choir people, freshies, and just hung around people who stayed after school. I chilled with the Asians, I chilled with the Hispanics. I chilled with the jocks, Foxy Ladies, many other cliques. Rosa was my best friend, J.T. was my best friend. Vannesa Casas was my best friend. They might not be my best friends now, but we are still friends regardless of what has happened. Some are closer than others. I mean I met a lot of people through work, and I tend to talk to them more, so they are my close friends as of now, but just because we don't talk as much as we used to or I don't publicly say "So and So" are my friends, doesn't mean that we are not friends. Just know that if we were close in the past and we aren't as close now, it doesn't change the fact that I will try to be there for you whenever you call.

"if i considered someone a best friend, does that necessarily make me theirs? i guess not cause some people that i consider to be my best friend, im not to them... i wish that for once, that i had a best friend that considers me to be their best friend..."
I got this from a friend's Xanga. Í don't know who it is addressed to, but just know that just because I don't say that you are my best friend doesn't mean that I don't hold you dear and near my heart. If it is to someone else...know that they feel the same way.

I found this in a past entry of my old blogger. Hope this explains that no matter what...we will always be friends even if we don't talk as much:
Okay so yeah....September 23, was my friend's birthday. ____________. Yeah, we have been friends for a very long time. Met ya in freshman year at SEMHS, and even had you for choir and stuff. Been through a lot together. You are a really cool and great friend to know. Hope you had fun on your Birthday...after i kidnapped you and told you bout it first..but yeah special day indeed...lol..yeah man KAROKE!! but anyways...Happy 19th! You always have a special place in my heart...homies friends for life...we are a part of the Shively Six Guys Colombia 2 Girls...nothing will change that...

Maria...My Property?!?! Uhh...No, I Don't Think So

l HANK l (2:53:25 AM): he asked out maria
l HANK l (2:53:37 AM): but she didnt say yes
talk to cynny (2:53:30 AM): GOOD
talk to cynny (2:53:38 AM): maria belongs to johnson
talk to cynny (2:53:39 AM): muhaha
talk to cynny (2:53:39 AM): =]
l HANK l (2:53:42 AM): yeah she does!

Thanks ^_^ but she doesn't belong to me.

College Dropout?

It seems to look that way. School seems to be pointless to me and every day that passes...I feel less and less inspired to go. School is now over at Fullerton. It has been for about a week or two, but school ended a lot sooner for me than it did for anyone else. I stopped going since Spring Break. Well I would wake up and get ready for school. Reach school and not show up to class. I would just go to the library and fall asleep or use the computer if I wasn't that tired. And to stop kidding myself and waking up to get ready to go to a school that I didn't even attend my classes I just stopped going like 3 weeks before the semester was over. So close yet so far. All right, now wipe away the shocked look on your face. School is just so boring and bullshit. And what really sucks about it, is that the things I want to do require a freaking degree. I know most of you who know me will blame my failure in school due to work. I work too much and too late to do well in school, and maybe that is the case, but I know really well that if I wanted to, I could handle work and school. If I wanted to be there I would choose to work less or at least the hours taht I need to get me a passing grade. This is more than just me working. It started even before the school year started. I was never inspired to go to school in the first place.

College was a new and exciting part of my life. I mean what do you do after high school? After they call your name and you recieve that piece of paper that opens a new chapter in your life, what do you do? College right? Well for some people, yes. For me, I had no choice. It was college, and not just any college...a freaking 4-year school. I personally wanted to go to a JC and then rransfer...save me money and time, but since my two brothers didn't graduate/walk and then went to a JC, my parents wanted me to go to a 4-year institution. Lucky me. So Cal State Fullerton, here I go. And I did all right in my first semester. Second semester, due to some events that occurred in my life, led me to drop a lot of my classes. Third semester, I had nothing to do except school so that year I did exceptionally well. And now on my 4th year, I did not want to go back. I went, did my best to get a schedule I liked, but I just hated going to school there. Every time I was in a class I was counting down til that class was over and soon enough when I was able to go home. I don't know what I am doing there...except wasting money.

My problem is that I never decided to go to school for myself. It was always to please other people. I think it is because I never had time to think about it and figure out why I am choosing to go to school. Find a reason for myself rather than just to please friends(since they are going, I should too), parents and brothers. Two years at Fullerton and I still don't know what I am going to major in. I want to teach, but I don't know what subject. And that also means a degree. I know I will be a great U.S. History teacher, but I don't know...the school just seems pointless. And frankly, I don't know what else I want to do. I remember that I didn't like Math so I tried to find majors without anymore Math classes besides the required GE Math. Now I don't like school, so do I find something that doesn't involve school as well?

Before you feel like you have to lecture me about going back to school. I am going to attempt another semester at Fullerton. It is just too far. I think the only way for me to excell in school is to live closer to it so I can be involved in it. That would make things and school a lot better. Gotta move out....we'll see.

In Response to: Lingering Feelings *sigh*

Dearest Johnson,

In response to your letter and entry, I just want to THANK YOU, for being a good friend to me for nine years.

Actually, now that I think of it may be more than that. Cuz I remember knowing of you back in 3rd through 5th grade. See, even then you were quite popular. Well, by 4th grade I knew of you because of Kami. I remember she would talk of you and your gang. And I remember that David, Tri, and Roy was in my class. And Kami had a huge crush on Tri until she left in 6th grade. So I remember on several occassions that you guys were in our conversations. And I believe you were in Ms. Wright's class, right? I just knew that were the chubby tall asian kid with thick eyeglasses, named Johnson. Sorry, I can't give much detail other than. LOL I remember in 6th grade, that was the year that crazy changes were going on and I was building a great friendships with Karen, Kami, and Me. The KKK's. So after knowing them more that's when I started to know you more and the rest of you guys. I remember we would always walk around the field alot and you guys would play chase after us. Or it could have been the other way around, I don't know. But if was, it was either Kami or Karen's idea. Or because Kami liked Tri so much. And I just followed along. Then, by 7th grade, things started to get even crazier. We had the same classes. Those were the good ol' days. Remember how you would always copy my stuff, especially the summaries for that Mayan story book, and you type it for me because you had done something wrong. I don't know what but I remember that I was so suprised that you type it all up. I may have been upset at you. haha

On a different note, that one day, not "the day", but when I was sitting in class and I heard someone say my name. I heard it from your direction, and it was that girl, Valerie, who was whispering something. I looked over and she was smiling and I saw you beside her. I was like ok, wierdos. But then she said, ' Johnson likes Kathie.' I was shocked and embarassed, because I didn't know anybody that had ever liked me before. And I thought that she was just playing around. Seriously, you were the first and may be the only one that I know of. It was strange and awkward then. And knowing how many people then who were hooking up or holding hands for weeks for the fun of it, I knew right then that something funny and wierd was going to happen. The day you asked me, even when I didn't know, for some reason I had a feeling and I didn't want to go the recess. There were hints and clues. I am sorry that I didn't accept or didn't respond nicely as I should have. I was too shocked and I felt like there was too much pressure during that time. The only thing I was worrying about was school and homework; I was 12 and it never occured to me that when someone had share thier thoughts or feelings about that person to that person, that it would be such a huge impact until you had asked me. I felt so awful and stupid and I hated myself for doing that. I didn't know exactly what to do. I was confused, as shy and quiet as I was, I was like why would he like me. I never say much so how can he just tell me that he likes me. We didn't talk that much and I wasn't sure if we were even friends. I felt a little uncomfortable and I wasn't sure if could ever trust you ever again. I felt horrible and I thought that we would never be friends after that. For awhile, there was tension or just plain avoidance going on, even until 8th grade and then again in 9th grade. By then, I had sense of resentment towards you for making it difficult for us talking, exchange a gretting or even a smile. But I know that you felt the same way towards me. I can't blame you. I was glad that by the summer of 9th grade, things were changing for the better. I was happy that you had sent me that birthday letter and we went to watch the Truman Show. Thank you again.

Everything and anything that happened during hs, I'm sure were happy moments between us. I'm sorry I can't explain or describe them now, but I'm sure you remember them well. Since you have a great memory. Hehe. By then, I felt like it was time to move on and get over it what happened in the past and just continue to be good friends. And of course, I noticed and heard of your numerous crushes on certain girls, and I was happy for you.

High school was important in my life, but it came and went, and now college and work and antipication for what comes in the near and far future is important now. I know but I will hope that our relationship between will not be distant.

It was a little strange to me at first, but you didn't have to apologize for not talking to me, but since you did, I must do the same as well. Just to be on the same level, I'm sorry too for being resevered and not talking to you as a friend should.

I don't know how you will respond to this letter. I think you might be overwhelmed, just like when I read yours. I was happy too but I don't want to disrupt anything between us for not saying anything or not clearly. I think it best to say it clear, I want to continue having a friendship with love and trust. You may interpret this in many ways, but for now this is what I feel.