A Sad Topic On Such A Joyous Occasion...
Well first of all, Happy Gobble Gobble Day everyone, but that is not what I feel like writing about. Now that the happy, colorful introduction is out of the way, here goes:
Thanksgiving, a time for thanks, but as of lately, Holidays are not what they seem to be. Halloween has lost its thrill, Thanksgiving is just a holiday to get your fat @$$ even fatter and Christmas, which is usually the time of giving and my favorite holiday is even losing its pizzazz, at least for me this year. And despite the happy times it is suppose to be, I tend to be thinking about death. No, I am not thinking about suicide, though at times I do...but it's more like death among us. I mean you hear about the horrible things in the news; war, murders, gang violence, and even fights breaking out in sporting events. But that does not affect me personally because I do not know anyone who has passed in war, murders, etc. Sure, I have sympathy for the families and their loss, but I cannot show empathy beacause I do not have nor feel empathy.
I am not saying that I want something to happen to someone I know so I can feel the pain and troubles that so many people do feel because it happened to someone they love. I know people in the military who are overseas, I know some people who are involved with gangs...I do not want anything to happen to them. But death occurs everyday in one way or another. And I guess I am just trying to find my way to cope and deal with it when it comes knocking on the door of someone I know.
I was totally unprepared when it happened to one of my best friends, Roy. And I know that it is inevitable for my grandmother. Don't get me wrong, she is a really healthy 86 year old woman, but ages takes its toll. She is fragile. And I know that one day she will not be here with us. I love my grandmother a lot. I guess to me she has been the only other sane family member living in California. And if she does pass, I know that I will be ready for it. And thinking about it, I know that I will not shed a tear. It doesn't mean that I do not care, it's just that I know I won't tear up and cry. I am not trying to be a big man and hold in my tears and feelings because guys can't show emotion. If any of you know me, I show plenty of emotion...some of the time, besides, I hold in everything as it is now. I guess it is because I am not that close to my grandmother. Like when I was younger we used to see her once a week and now we only see her on a special occasion. I know I should visit her more, but time is really restricting. Also, if she does pass, I think for the most part it won't be right in front of me. She will probably pass peacefully in her room or something. So I will not have to see it, and I will have known that she led a full life. She had two children(though one was lost to cancer) and many grandchildren. At her age she has been and still goes to school, for fun. I guess there are no limits for her education.
Where am I going with this? Well it's pretty weird how I am not going to shed a tear for my grandmother but when Roy passed, I wouldn't stop crying. I thought it to be weird as well and have been thinking about it. Roy was one of my best friends, a brother. He was only 18 when he passed. 18. He had so much to accomplish, so much to live for, but his life was taken short. It was a whole lifestyle change for everyone when he was gone. For his family, his g/f Thao, friends, and me. I used to see him almost everyday. Call him up for something. Visit when I was just bored, and now he wouldn't be there anymore. And when he left, I was there with him. I saw it happen. I could have saved him. But I didn't. Split second decisions and I made all the wrong ones. And now death came to claim another one of his victims. It's unfair. I guess I cried for Roy because I feel that it is my fault...and to this day I still feel the same way. Everyone tells me that it isn't my fault, but you all were not there. I know I need to see someone and talk about this, but I can't and I am not ready to. I want to, but nothing will come out. I am still affected by it, but all I can do is hold it in. I guess after a year and a half or more, everything is just beginning to sink in. Right now it is barely touching the surface...I know this will be a great uphill battle for me, but it is only going to get worse. If only you knew what was on my mind. If only you knew what I know.
Seeing his headstone which has been placed on his burial site, reality hits. He is dead. There is no other way to put it. It is the truth. He is dead. Its weird how for the longest time everyone did not want to say it. I always referred to what happened as 'the incident" and it was always understood. It seems that everyone avoids the D words that seem to mean that this is a reality. Even in the beginning of this entry I use "passing" instead of the D words...I guess in my reality I still want him to be there...answering my phone calls...saying sup as I drive by and he is washing or fixing up his car. I know it is a false reality for me, but there still that little bit of hope that I can still avoid saying death or dead or died. They are just so harsh words to use for someone so close...
Well first of all, Happy Gobble Gobble Day everyone, but that is not what I feel like writing about. Now that the happy, colorful introduction is out of the way, here goes:
Thanksgiving, a time for thanks, but as of lately, Holidays are not what they seem to be. Halloween has lost its thrill, Thanksgiving is just a holiday to get your fat @$$ even fatter and Christmas, which is usually the time of giving and my favorite holiday is even losing its pizzazz, at least for me this year. And despite the happy times it is suppose to be, I tend to be thinking about death. No, I am not thinking about suicide, though at times I do...but it's more like death among us. I mean you hear about the horrible things in the news; war, murders, gang violence, and even fights breaking out in sporting events. But that does not affect me personally because I do not know anyone who has passed in war, murders, etc. Sure, I have sympathy for the families and their loss, but I cannot show empathy beacause I do not have nor feel empathy.
I am not saying that I want something to happen to someone I know so I can feel the pain and troubles that so many people do feel because it happened to someone they love. I know people in the military who are overseas, I know some people who are involved with gangs...I do not want anything to happen to them. But death occurs everyday in one way or another. And I guess I am just trying to find my way to cope and deal with it when it comes knocking on the door of someone I know.
I was totally unprepared when it happened to one of my best friends, Roy. And I know that it is inevitable for my grandmother. Don't get me wrong, she is a really healthy 86 year old woman, but ages takes its toll. She is fragile. And I know that one day she will not be here with us. I love my grandmother a lot. I guess to me she has been the only other sane family member living in California. And if she does pass, I know that I will be ready for it. And thinking about it, I know that I will not shed a tear. It doesn't mean that I do not care, it's just that I know I won't tear up and cry. I am not trying to be a big man and hold in my tears and feelings because guys can't show emotion. If any of you know me, I show plenty of emotion...some of the time, besides, I hold in everything as it is now. I guess it is because I am not that close to my grandmother. Like when I was younger we used to see her once a week and now we only see her on a special occasion. I know I should visit her more, but time is really restricting. Also, if she does pass, I think for the most part it won't be right in front of me. She will probably pass peacefully in her room or something. So I will not have to see it, and I will have known that she led a full life. She had two children(though one was lost to cancer) and many grandchildren. At her age she has been and still goes to school, for fun. I guess there are no limits for her education.
Where am I going with this? Well it's pretty weird how I am not going to shed a tear for my grandmother but when Roy passed, I wouldn't stop crying. I thought it to be weird as well and have been thinking about it. Roy was one of my best friends, a brother. He was only 18 when he passed. 18. He had so much to accomplish, so much to live for, but his life was taken short. It was a whole lifestyle change for everyone when he was gone. For his family, his g/f Thao, friends, and me. I used to see him almost everyday. Call him up for something. Visit when I was just bored, and now he wouldn't be there anymore. And when he left, I was there with him. I saw it happen. I could have saved him. But I didn't. Split second decisions and I made all the wrong ones. And now death came to claim another one of his victims. It's unfair. I guess I cried for Roy because I feel that it is my fault...and to this day I still feel the same way. Everyone tells me that it isn't my fault, but you all were not there. I know I need to see someone and talk about this, but I can't and I am not ready to. I want to, but nothing will come out. I am still affected by it, but all I can do is hold it in. I guess after a year and a half or more, everything is just beginning to sink in. Right now it is barely touching the surface...I know this will be a great uphill battle for me, but it is only going to get worse. If only you knew what was on my mind. If only you knew what I know.
Seeing his headstone which has been placed on his burial site, reality hits. He is dead. There is no other way to put it. It is the truth. He is dead. Its weird how for the longest time everyone did not want to say it. I always referred to what happened as 'the incident" and it was always understood. It seems that everyone avoids the D words that seem to mean that this is a reality. Even in the beginning of this entry I use "passing" instead of the D words...I guess in my reality I still want him to be there...answering my phone calls...saying sup as I drive by and he is washing or fixing up his car. I know it is a false reality for me, but there still that little bit of hope that I can still avoid saying death or dead or died. They are just so harsh words to use for someone so close...
