Halloween...Just Halloween

Why is it that there is always a Happy or Merry before every holiday? Can't it just be "Halloween to you" or maybe "Birthday Nancy!" Why not just New Year because that is what it basically is, a new year. Nothing "happy" about it. Sometimes you just don't feel happy or merry on an occassion that is suppose to be happy.

I don't know what it is about this year, but I am just not feeling Halloween. It can't be cuz I am older because despite not being able to freeload and go Trick or Treating to get some free candy, I could have gone to a party of something, but I just don't feel like going to one if there is one going on. I had work and I could have dressed up, but I didn't. For one, I had no costume and no money to buy one. I just started my job, so no paycheck for me yet. There is always Fright Fest, Halloween Haunt, haunted houses, theme parks, Shipwrecked, etc. I never been to Knott's Scary Farm, so that is something I could do, but I have no money for it. It seems like the trick or treating turn out is getting lower and lower as well.

I enjoy seeing the little kids all dressed up ready to get their candy, that brings a little smile on my face, but other than that, I am in no Happy Halloween mood. Last year was a different story. I was trying to find a costume going to two parties, and even creating a costume out of toilet paper on the one halloween it decides to rain. (I was a mummy if you didn't figure that out...LOL). I guess I am just stifled by papers, studying, and tests that all coincidentally seem to be due around this time. And last year was a whole different environment than this year was. Last year I was able to hang out with Anthony, Candy, Cindy, David, Truong, etc. And even though I did get to see most of em, it just was not like the hype that we made it out to be last year. I guess this year I am not feeling Halloweenish this year because I didn't get to spend much time with my best friends. At this point I am not sure who that is anymore. Of course there will be the "family" (JT, JV, David, Truong, Roy, Jess, Candy, Cindy, etc) But moreover, I guess I am just missing spending time with everyone. (Rosa, Kathie, Jeni, Lysa, Lyly, Lorraine, etc) I mean last year it was like "we have to get a costume and go trick or treating and go to the Vault(an event like Halloween Haunt). This year, nothing. No plans or anything. So basically its just Halloween. Nothing Happy, nothing celebratory, just Halloween.

I am just hoping that I won't be like this during my favorite holiday...CHRISTMAS!!! I am hoping that I will have a Merry Christmas, because despite never really celebrating it and not recieving much, the time of the year and the feeling of Christmas is just enough brighten my days and lighten my heart. The season of giving. And with Turkey day in between along with, at least for CSUF, a whole week off! What can be better?!?!?!

What's Wrong With A Little Bit Of Immaturity?

As I think back and look at where all of my friends and I am at now, it amazes me. We all graduated, went to college, found a job that suits us. We are all grown-up, mature adults. We have bills to pay, it is our choice to show up for class, and we have responsibilities that we never had when we were kids or teenagers. No time for fun, all about business business business. "You'll get to have fun after you are finished with school," are some words that parents tell their kids. But the way I see it, there seems to never be enough time for fun. As of right now, we have school, and after we are done with school, there is more school for some, and finding a job for others. Once you find that job, its work from 9-5 til you die. Where is the time to have fun? Everyone expects you to be so professional and responsible that fun is not a word in their vocabulary. Don't get me wrong, having a nice job and being successful is great too, but who said you had to be so damn serious all the time. When did life become so serious? What's wrong with immaturity? Frankly, if you ask me, it is immaturity where all the fun lies, so despite growing up and getting older and being expected to act in a mature manner, I say screw it and let the kid in you shine through once in a while!

When we are kids, everything could be turned into a game. Our imaginations run wild and free. Imaginary friends (mine was named Toodles), pretending we are super heroes (I was always a Power Ranger) or heroes of our world today (who didn't want to be a policeman or a fireman growing up?) With a few chairs and blanket to cover it all, and we wre living in a fort being protected from indians or alien lifeforms. Sometimes we were the allien lifeforms and we were protecting ourselves from the creepy looking, disgusting humans. Anything was fun. I was able to keep my self occupied for hours with legos, building my army of legomen(which came preassembled and were only 3 pieces; head, body, and legs) in the eve of a distructive war against the giant teddy bear! All carnage and hell broke loose...it was horible. I will forever miss you brave warriors of the battle field, may you rest in peace Lego Larry and K'nex Kristen (in my army gender was not an issue). LOL.

Now if you see imaginary people, you are a schitzo or just crazy. Unless its halloween or if you are Michael Jackson, its not okay to pretend to be a super hero and be around little children. I know there are some sick people in the world, but when were we limited to what we can and cannot do if there is no harm in doing so. Now, I'm not saying that I secretly dress up like the Green Ranger on my spare time and spend my days and nights trying to save the world from an evil like Rita Repulsa or Lord Zedd and protect the city of Angel Grove, though that would still be cool, I'm just pointing out that as you get older, your imagination gets stifled by society.

High school was extrememly fun. It was an adventure to try to balance school and a social life/love life and everything else in between. Sometimes we fell for the fun more than school, some were able to manage everything, but it was our time to go out, do things and discover ourselves. Going to the mall was such a joyous occasion. Asking your mom to drop you off and meeting up with your friends or in some cases girl/boyfriend and having a good 3-4 hours of shopping, gossiping, or basically nothing but freedom from it all. Talking about how you hate your family and parents...how they never let you do anything...but calling them to pick you up when all the fun is over. Just the little things that you did were so fun, hanging out at someone's house, house parties, going to shoot pool at a pool hall, darts, a friendly game of basketball, etc. Going to all the socials planned by the clubs you were involved with, bowling, Magic, and all the other good stuff. You weren't afraid to be yourself and just let yourself go. Be out there and enjoy your time, be in the moment and just live. It didn't matter if you looked stupid, just as long as you had fun doing it.

Now everyone is worried about looking stupid. They have an image to protect, or they don't want to make the first move. They would rather stand next to the wall and call that fun until someone else decides to sing karoke or play a simple game of truth or dare and join in when it looks like a lot more fun than just standing there talking to the plant. We have to just let go of our inhabitions and just go for it. Stop living our life so seriously and at times just release yourself and accept what happens, happens (but to a certain extent...nothing illegal or anything). If we decided that we all should be wallflowers and decide not to take action, that would be a dull world.

I went to two different parties with two different groups of friends. Even with an atmosphere of people you know and grew up with, the fear and unwillingness to start something still remains. It could be that you were raised that way, but its up to you to change it. I even admit that I was scared to start something with my friends. But I finally decided that I was going to start something fun and get other people to join in and it was the funnest part of the night, Truth or Dare Big 2. In the other party, with another group of friends, they decided to have a karoke thing, so when they started it up, everyone was shy to sing and thought that it was going to be stupid, but being a little buzzed and with my "I'm down" attitude, I sang my buzzed heart out and got the karoking started. Everyone else was joining in and it turned out to be fun. The best was when you chose a song everyone knew and they all joined in. It was nerve wrecking, but once someone takes the initiative and decides to act first, the rest isn't so bad. I know I won't be remembered at the party as the person who started it, I know that I will have been a part of the fun that we all shared as a group. When we look back upon those nights, it will be looked at as a time when we all got together, put our "adult" lives aside and came back to high school freshman-like behavior that we all considered normal at the time. So I say BLAH to those who expect us to be mature just because we are older. BLAH to everyone who would rather push away their inner child just to be the norm of mature people. And BLAH to everyone who looks down upon people who decide to make life a little funner by instituting a little immaturity into the mix. So stand up, let your imagination run wild, and let you voice be heard. There is nothing wrong with immaturity, the only problem is the people who try to shut you up and give you less of a voice by telling you how you should act. Screw them! (not literaly) And I leave with my Senior quote that Lysa or Lyly convieniently picked out for me..."People are like teabags, they never know how strong they are, until they are dropped into hot water." Be strong...and HAVE SOME FUN and stop taking life so seriously!!!



SIDENOTE: The quote above was said by Elenor Roosevelt and the quote was "Women are like teabags..." It was changed for Senior memorybook purposes and never did give credit to who said it.

The Feeling of Family Slowly Slipping Away In All Aspects

Since the beginning, I have always wanted a normal family. A family that at least communicates with eachother. I never expected it to be like one of those perfect TV families, but that would be nice. I don't even have anything close to a family. My parents got divorced when I was about 4 years old. I don't even remember much about how it was before with my biological father and my mom. All I remember is the bad. So to have a new start was refreshing. A new father and a new brother as well. So this led me to my current living situation now. Nick, my step-dad; Dona, my mom; Hanson, my blood brother; and Peter, my step-brother.

I moved from Texas to Pomona to a small little town called South El Monte...a fresh new start. At first, it was a great situation. We did things on weekends ate dinner as a family, we all were a part of eachothers' lives. Key word...WERE. My parents were strict on my brothers and me. We had to do write in a journal everyday, my parents made us do handwriting exercises, math problems, anything to give us a headstart. Be smarter than all the other kids. Just what is expected in an Asian family. Which led to innocent spankings that soon turned into abuse.

I mean I joke around about it now, but at the time, it was horrible. I was living in fear at my own home. I wanted to stay away from home, but the thing was, I had to go straight home after school or else I would get spanked. So there was no way out. It was a warzone. I had homework to do, plus the extra things that my parents wanted us to do and on top of that chores. It started at a young age, but I know how to clean. And if we didn't do our chores we would get spanked. It was my parents answer to everything. I mean I know some things that we did deserved somekind of punishment, and it could have been spankings, but for every little thing that we did wrong was getting hit, something was wrong. I mean spilling a cup of water was a whipping, which was equal to buying baseball cards, which was also equal to stealing something. There was not a line drawn and slowly I began to be drawn away fro mmy family as well, but no one noticed.

I used to be a straight A student. I liked school, and exceeded in it as well. Finally, sometime around 5th grade, I gave up. I started to slack off and just not care about my grades anymore. It was more about being the class clown and getting more into the social scene. I still understood what was happening, but laziness came in and in 6th grade I got my first F. Junior high and high school was no better. It was always an uphill climb to bring up my grades. No one knew about my stuggles, no one cared. As long as I graduated, it would show that I did well. I could have been a part of the top 5% of my school, but due to lack of support in my life, I was just happy to be a part of the graduating class.

Since my family was never there for me, I began to find comfort somewhere else, and I found my scond family, soon to be my first family within my friends. Whenever something was bugging me, one of my friends was the first to notice, before my "family". If I had a crush on a girl, I would tell my friends. If I had a problem with something, I would let my friends know. And I soon came to realize that my friends became my family. Always there for me, but as much of a family John V., John T., Truong, Roy, David, Candy, and Cindy were to me, it never fully filled the void that I felt from not having my family there for me.

I remember that I wanted to hang out with my brothers and their friends. I would always want to hang out with them. Go out with them. Hang out at their friends' houses and just chill. I did for a while and it was cool. Going to pool halls and shooting pool, hanging out at Starbucks and just singing, etc. I looked up to them. They smoked and that was whatever. I been around smokers my whole life. My mom, my dad, my bio dad, and both my brothers smoked, so I didn't care. Smoking didn't affect their behaviors. It wasn't until drugs entered the picture that I started to withdraw from them. Alcohol was introduced, and I was a part of that, no harm in that, marijuana came into the picture next, then raves were the great thing to happen, and everyone went raving. You can't go to raves without seeing people rolling on X. And that was the next drug to enter my home. Hanson was first to do it, and eventually Peter got into it too. Peter didn't smoke at first either, but then since all his friends smoked, peer pressure eventually got the best of him, and that was the same case with Ecstacy. They went raving every weekend. I felt lost again. Then they had raving parties at my house whenever my parents went to Vegas. This led to the introduction of Crystal Meth, Methenphetemine, "tweek". And that really screwed up my brothers. Screwed up most of thier friends as well. It opened up crack to some of them too. It was just them using it, but soon enough, they began to sell it as well. And soon enough my house became a drug house. Needless to say, I stopped looking up to them and felt isolated and lost when they were not there for me and became more occupied with drugs.

So now my parents stopped noticing me, and my brothers did too. My parents are constantly arguing and fighting. Yet they still stay together. It has been going on for about 5 years now, and since they are at eachother's throats, they have no time for anything else. I had no one but my friends. And now, I am slowly feeling I am losing them as well.

I remember a time when I was outgoing and would talk to anyone who would talk to me. I found many friends and even had so many online friends. And we were close. I would talk to many of them, either online, on the phone, or in person. Now it's a big difference. Now I hardly talk to anyone. We have our hi's and hello's now and that's it. I feel so disconnected with everyone. Everyone has moved on and started their new lives and I want to hang on to what I had in the past. I am losing my sense of family everywhere. I envy everyone who has a family in any shape or form. I hate those perfect TV families that I once wanted, but yet it always depresses me whenever I watch shows like Everwood, Life As We Know It, One Tree Hill, etc. Some of the families on the show aren't perfect, but they try thier best to work things out, and that is noting like mine.

Even with my family of friends are beginning to leave me. I know that it cannot be how it was in the past, but I would like it to be. Everyone has their own life to live, new additions to families, and boyfriends/girlfriends. They have their own things to do and worry about and cannot live in the past. I understand that, but I never had a true family. And the only ounce of family that I have left is breaking apart. I mean we all don't even hang out together like we used to. And I feel even emptier than I ever have. I guess I was never meant to have a true family...

A Dream...Or Not A Dream, That Is The Question (Part 1)

I have had a dream that I cannot distinguish or determine as reality or fiction. This is the first part of it in which yesterday I dreamed of the sequel to it. The second part I know is a dream, but the first part is the part that I do not know if it actually happened or was just a dream. Here it is to the best of my memory:

It is just a normal day. I have this friend who lives a good distance away. I don't remember his name, but somehow we were good friends. We were pretty young, I couldn't drive, I had no internet, but I knew him somehow. Well, one day we decided to go hang out in his area...gray area in my mind too...and I agreed to it, so I asked my mom to take me and she agreed. We were driving down the freeway and I just remember the scenery that we were passing, the trees, bushes, and rock formations. After a pretty long drive, we reach wherever it is that we were suppose to be. So I get out and my mom leaves and I ring the bell, my friend answers the door and invites me in. We are just having fun and messing around. His other friends are there. I think I am older then all of them, so they kind of look at me with high regard.

We decide to go to my friend's school because he was in a play or something and was one of the best actors in his class, so we all walk there. And when we reach the school, he goes to get ready while me and his friends are just talking and waiting to be let in and take our seats. When the time comes, we do and we take our seats. It was a Christmasy type of play, and my friend was good. And one part calls for an audience member to go up on stage and be a part of it. My friend was the one who had to pick and that bastard chose me. So I go on stage and am a part of it now. There was a girl that really stood out to me. She was a blonde girl. She was in the play, but it seemed like she didn't want to be there. And as I was up there, I just seemed to be interacting with her. The play ended. Audience applauds and we get off the stage...that little blonde girl was a brunette after the show because the blonde hair was a wig, and as it turns out I believe that she is my friend's sister.

We all were talking about the play and everything and walking back to my friend's house, it was my friend, his sister, and me. And we get there, but the happy scene in the afternoon seemed to have changed once it was night. Their parents were home. Just the mom because she was a single parent raising 2 or 3 kids. And I don't remember what happens in between, but then we are all outside. I was told not to go outside, but I go out anyways and see that the mom had a big stick in her hands and was hitting my friend and his sister. They were both lying on the ground, covered in dirt and mud...crying. And I go up to her and tell her to stop. She doesn't listen to me. I am only a kid, and tells me to go back in. I refuse and am lieing down next to my friend and his sister getting hit by the big stick she had in her hands. I take it and finally understand what my friend and his sister were going through, and I this is for the first time that I have ever felt any sense of family. I felt connected to him and his sister as if they were my brother and sister. After she decides she is done with us, she tells them to go to their rooms and clean up, and she tells me to clean up and if I ever told anyone she would kill my friend and his sister. I didn't want that to happen, so I just held it in. I cleaned up and was talking to my friend. I told him I would help him and get him out of this place...and his sister too...my mom came and picked me up, and I didn't tell anyone...


A Dream...Or Not A Dream, That Is The Question (Part 2)

So I am older now. Probably as old as I am now. I am driving, traveling somewhere. I begin to look around me and I see some familiar things. I see the trees, bushes, and rocks that I have seen before, but I cannot plug it in where. I continue with the route that I am traveling, and I end up at the same house that I was in before. I am amazed that I found it not intending to find it, and decide to see if my friend still lives there. I ring the doorbell, and a guy opens the door. He is tall, thin, and has curlyish, brown hair. It was my friend. We recognize eachother. We have our hello's and catch up. We then go to a community center or a school or something, and the same play that he was in before is being performed there. So we decide to watch it. It goes to the part where they call an audience member to join the play and once again I am called up to be a part of it. I am in the play and I am at the part when I talk to a little girl. And I flashback to that little blonde girl that I talked to the first time. I later found out was my friend's sister. And everything came rushing back...all the memories that I pushed away.

It was intermission, and I decided that I had to go. For some reason. I had to go home and then return. I left and did something, when I got back my friend had gone. And the play was almost over. I stayed and watched the rest of it and then everyone began clapping when it was over. I took off to my friend's house and his mom was home. She seemed bigger than before and I felt like the little kid I was when I first saw her. It was the same routine. She took my friend and me outside and this time she had a boyfriend, who disapproved of what she did, but didn't say anything to her. And I saw my friend's little sister, but she was all grown up. Still fearful of the situation and drawnback. We were standing this time. Her mom found another big stick and was telling us to hit the ground or she would hit our legs to make us go down. We got down, and she began to hit us. This time, no one cried...no one let out an ounce of pain. It was just routine...eating my friend and her sister alive. I couldn't take it anymore, and I got a stick as well and as she turned around talking to her boyfriend. Things got darker, and all of a sudden I was a kid again with the stick in my hand. I got up and swung and hit her in the ass hard. She fell down, and her boyfriend kept her down, finally speaking out about what she was doing was wrong. I look back and see my friend and his sister slowly disappearing. I was grown up again, and the house became beat up and old.

I had to find them. I went crazy trying to look for them. I began searching for my friend asking anyone passing by. I asked everyone to find out where he was, and people kept telling me different stories. Finally at a store, someone told me that he was right behind a rack of clothes. We meet and I see him...he is much healthier, meatier. I ask him for his number so I can call him on my cell phone...but he doesn't have a number to be reached at. He has been homeless for the past few years. Turns out that he got away from his mom after so long...and once he was out he was gone, but his sister never made it. So he stayed in town to try to get her out. He promised to get her out. He would go back to get her, but he couldn't because since he left, the mom kept a closer eye on his sister and soon enough she killed herself to get away from the abuse. His mom left since she had no reason to stay without her kids. And he has been living off snacks that his friends give to him because they own the store. Soon enough he begins to disappear as well, finding out that he committed suicide after his sister was gone, so what I saw was just another illusion. I was in shock and decided to go to the school again. As I went inside, the play was ending. As the actors came out, I saw little kids and suddenly a spotlight flashed and was on me and then I saw my friend, except he was a little kid again. He announced me to everyone and they all started to clap. I looked around and noticed that everyone around me had changed into little kids as well. I was the only older person around. As if I went back in time as an adult but everyone else remainded as kids. I saw my friend and his sister...smiling. They looked a lot happier. And it was because of me. I had acted out upon their mom and changed their fates. And then I was standing in the school alone. Everyone disappeared. I am now standing at a playground with one of those spinning things that you get on and someone pushes it to go around and around. Everyone was there...my friend, his sister, his little friends, etc. Everyone was just having fun on that spinning thing and then I woke up...

I know the second part is a dream because there are some parts that just don't make sense and it is more fantasy. Also some poeple were in it that I know wouldn't be in it in reality like Mr. Healy, Ant, Henry, and Tuoc. I don't know why I cannot tell if the first part is a dream or not...it just seemed so real. Maybe it is because my life is so bland that I want it to be true because it causes some drama...but then again, why can't I remember names and places and etc. I am usually good with that kind of stuff, and I don't think I would push it so far away that I would completely forget...and what happened to them if it were true...I didn't get them out...What does this all mean?!?!