FUCK
can't put my finger on it, but something has been bothering me as of late. my life is going well. I have great friends, sweet g/f, and family life isn't as bad. I got a job that gets me paid, I got my tax return check...david graduated and i am a year away from graduating as well, hopefully. Gonna celebrate Candy's birthday soon...
yet i can't help but to feel a breakdown occurring. i feel so emotionless at times when I should feel some emotion and emotional when there is no freaking reason to feel emotional. This semester in school was much harder to finish than any other semester. And I only had 3 classes this semester. The work was not that hard, but I just did not care to do it. I was doing well in classes too, but then I just gave up. Now instead of just having my internship next semester like i had planned, i now have to take another elective..not to mention messing up my G.P.A this semester.
i don't like to blame anything or anyone else for my failures except myself. and it is my own fault...but there is something more that is bother me this year than in years past. one thing i can pinpoint my lack of caring this year is that it has been 5 years since Roy passed. 2008 marked the 5 year mark since he was taken away from us...and for the first time, being wrapped up in my own life, school, or whatever, I forgot to visit Roy on March 14th. I remembered prior to the date, like on March 4th, I remember thinking "10 more days....and then I will visit you..." and when the day actually came...I did not even remember to visit. I did not even remember anything. It was as if he didn't exist. I realilzed after that I had forgotten. And his birthday just passed on the 16th. David asked me if I had anything planned after work on Friday. I said no. He didn't exactly say "let's go visit Roy at Rose Hills" but I knew that was what he was implying. So when he called at 5pm on Friday, May 16th, asking when I was going to get off work, i told him i dunno, even though i was off at 5. Then stopped talking and then hung up on him. And instead of driving to Rose Hills, I decided to wash the car and watch the Laker game because that was "more improtant." And when JT and Nina came down from Vegas, and asked if I went to visit Roy, I completely avoided the question.
I am a horrible person and don't know why I cannot deal with this 5 years later. And why 5 years later I let it affect me like it did back when it first happened. I guess it is cuz I never got help for this...Never talked about it...just held it in. Maybe it is because I feel guilty living this good life...when I still feel it is my fault and he should be here living a great life. For some reason on this 5th year, i am unable to face him. I still haven't visited him yet...Can someone still be affected by a friend's death 5 years later after it happened? FUCK...
can't put my finger on it, but something has been bothering me as of late. my life is going well. I have great friends, sweet g/f, and family life isn't as bad. I got a job that gets me paid, I got my tax return check...david graduated and i am a year away from graduating as well, hopefully. Gonna celebrate Candy's birthday soon...
yet i can't help but to feel a breakdown occurring. i feel so emotionless at times when I should feel some emotion and emotional when there is no freaking reason to feel emotional. This semester in school was much harder to finish than any other semester. And I only had 3 classes this semester. The work was not that hard, but I just did not care to do it. I was doing well in classes too, but then I just gave up. Now instead of just having my internship next semester like i had planned, i now have to take another elective..not to mention messing up my G.P.A this semester.
i don't like to blame anything or anyone else for my failures except myself. and it is my own fault...but there is something more that is bother me this year than in years past. one thing i can pinpoint my lack of caring this year is that it has been 5 years since Roy passed. 2008 marked the 5 year mark since he was taken away from us...and for the first time, being wrapped up in my own life, school, or whatever, I forgot to visit Roy on March 14th. I remembered prior to the date, like on March 4th, I remember thinking "10 more days....and then I will visit you..." and when the day actually came...I did not even remember to visit. I did not even remember anything. It was as if he didn't exist. I realilzed after that I had forgotten. And his birthday just passed on the 16th. David asked me if I had anything planned after work on Friday. I said no. He didn't exactly say "let's go visit Roy at Rose Hills" but I knew that was what he was implying. So when he called at 5pm on Friday, May 16th, asking when I was going to get off work, i told him i dunno, even though i was off at 5. Then stopped talking and then hung up on him. And instead of driving to Rose Hills, I decided to wash the car and watch the Laker game because that was "more improtant." And when JT and Nina came down from Vegas, and asked if I went to visit Roy, I completely avoided the question.
I am a horrible person and don't know why I cannot deal with this 5 years later. And why 5 years later I let it affect me like it did back when it first happened. I guess it is cuz I never got help for this...Never talked about it...just held it in. Maybe it is because I feel guilty living this good life...when I still feel it is my fault and he should be here living a great life. For some reason on this 5th year, i am unable to face him. I still haven't visited him yet...Can someone still be affected by a friend's death 5 years later after it happened? FUCK...
