::Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely::

All right, so lately everyone seems to have someone or is hooking up. Or are seeing eachother, talking to eachother, etc. Whatevers...I am happy for them, but I feel lonely, because none of it is happening to me. I can only wish for it, but in reality...nothing. I am tired of being single. I want a girlfriend, who will be there for me, who I can call and talk to about anything or nothing...who I can visit at their workplace and bring her some food or something and vice versa. But the sad truth is...I don't have that person. I am not the type of person who does well single. One of the big reasons why is because everyone sees me as a "friend." I am the friend type of guy. I am the guy who is there for everyone...to hear out the problems that the gurl is experiencing with another guy. I don't mind that, but when will I be the guy that a gurl talks about with their "friend?"

I see all these hook ups or possible hook ups...none more so than at work. I don't want to start any rumors so I won't say anything about them, but you know, these people are closer than they were say 2 weeks ago. I look at them and it just makes me feel lonlier. It seems like everyone is able to find someone except me. They say that you shouldn't look for love that it will just come to you...and I don't...but why is it taking so long?!?!?! What is sad is that even when I do go looking for it..it has a way of turning me around and kicking me in the @$$ really hard. I feel that with someone in my life...I will do better..because I am more motivated when there are other people involved. When it is just me, I could care less. I guess that was jsut how I was raised.

I know that when I am comfortable...I tend to flirt a lot. One example....Work. I am Mr. Nice Guy at work, and since I am comfortable there, and know most of the people there...I am able to mess around and flirt...even some people who I don't know just randomly become nice and say Hi to me and then are comfortable with me. I am always talk though. I know that if I got approached by a co-worker...I would totally blank out and be the wussy that I am when it comes to gurls. At work, I seem to attract people that are all ready taken. I have that gift...haha. I mean we will flirt and everything, but I know that it is all in fun and games...cuz for one, I don't like drama, and I don't ever want to be the person that breaks up a relationship. At work, I am someone's sancho, I have two possible wifeys...though one is in a relationship and another one is beginning one...everybody loves me(I don't think I haven't gone through a day at work where one person hasn't said "I love you" to me...hahaha), and as everyone puts it, I'm a big pimp. It isn't my fault that I am one of two guys in Concession and the rest happen to be gurls. LOL...but all of that leads to nothing. Because despite my "pimp" status at work...it all means nothing because I don't have the one gurl to "go home to."

Johnson in person talking to a girl is very different from Johnson talking to anyone and everyone online. I guess I still gotta build up my self-confidence. I am still lacking in that department. Juliana told me that I am not ugly...many people say that I am not ugly...yet why do I still feel as if I am? I am braver talking to someone online than I am in person. I was talking to someone I met through Friendster...on AIM, through Emails, I am bold and I can talk the talk, but when I finally met her yesterday, all of my insecurties about myself rushed at me and I became the wuss that I always been. I am not able to walk the walk. Another example, I was seeing this one gurl. I had a crush on her for so long, and she liked me too, but I never said anything, but when we finally did tell eachother we started talking...and whenever we would go out, I would be a totally different person than I usually was, and that really messed things up. I wasn't different in a bad way, but I wasn't myself, and became all quiet. It's weird.

This is the prom season. Everyone at work seems to talk about it. I remember talking about it during my senior year...junior year...and even last year..haha...I was suppose to go to prom with the girl I was seeing last summer, but I guess things didn't work out. And I saw the prom pictures...she went with another guy...and it did hurt. I wanted to go with her...especially since I was suppose to go with her last year but a lot of in between things happened. Anyways, everyone goes to prom...a friend of mine who works with me at Edwards got asked to two proms. He is my age. I don't know why...maybe it is because I want to relive High School times, but I wanted to asked to a prom by someone...as gay and sad as that may sound. It just would have been nice to be considered by someone.

However lonely I feel, I don't want to be a third wheel as well. I remember Juliana asking me about having a g/f and her not letting me see Candy cuz she is my best friend. I told her that it would be over because I put friends first. I see that my decision is biased. For one, that has never happened. So I wouldn't know. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, so how would I know that I would end things so easily with my g/f just because I wouldn't be able to chill with Candy anymore. I don't know that. People change...and although some say that friends come first...eventually their world will revolve around the other person. Another thing...if you don't have someone, you don't feel like going out with another couple. I don't like being a 3rd wheel, but I feel like it when I go out with Candy and Phuc. I mean it used to be me Cindy and Candy, but that was all right. Now it is Phuc Candy and me...and I just feel like I am interfering with their time...and I know that Candy and Phuc don't mind me there cuz I am a homie, but I feel that I am intruding on their private time...so I feel like a 3rd wheel. Everytime we watch movies..so I understand now that even if you put friends first and want to spend time with them and your significant other...the friends will not want to go out and feel like a 3rd wheel.

*sigh* Letting that out felt good, but I am still lonely...I need a g/f! ARGHHHH!!! So, anyone who reads this...call up your friends....and HOOK ME UP!! LOL...well I think I am starting to get interested in someone at work....well yeah..nothing big...just want to get to know her....TO BE CONTINUED

Happy Birthday Giggleberri...Happy Birthday to you!!!

Interesting day for Candy. It was her birthday celebration and boy did we celebrate! Got another hotel thing happening. And coincidentally it was in the same two rooms that I had my b-day hotel thing. Started off slow with just me and Cindy and Ian there, but sooner or later...which was around 11PM...everyone else started to show up. And the party started...alcohol...good company...some people blazed it...and it led up to a good party. Candy got fucked up and so did a lot of other people...a lot of throw up on the floor this time around...I have never smelled or felt so much in my life...let's just say that I had to cup some vomit from a friend to help prevent it from hitting the floor. It was really unsuccessful, but I tried my best...and had to clean up a lot of vomit. But it was all for Candy, so it's all good. After a crazy night of throwup and stuff, we spent the night at the rooms...woke up in the morning checked out and that was that...HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANDY!! HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD ONE!

To My Giggleberri...

Happy 20th Birthday! Damn...from the moment I met ya in my freshman year at South...who would have thought that we would be such great friends? I guess I got a little heads up than everyone else cuz while we all were in choir, I had you for Family Consumer Science aka Home Ec. And all those years gone by and look at us now. Giggleberri and Cucumber Melon. We work together, and chill and stuff. You have become one of my greatest friends. We have become family and you are like the one month younger sister taht I never had...annoying, irritating, etc...LOL..I'm just playing. And although I deny this...for your b-day I shall admit it...you are AWESOME! I am lucky to have a friend like you. Always there for me, when I need someone. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you in my life...Thanks for being the bestest friend to this lame-o guy. I LOVERZ YOU, GIGGLEBERRI!!!

Roy Ken Lee

Sup Roy...
Although I haven't been writing much about you and what has happened, don't think that I forgot about you and everything. I am still in awe that a year has gone by. And that another birthday of yours has passed as well. You should be here with us. You should be here with us to celebrate your 20th birthday...even your 19th Birthday. Your life got cut too short man. I miss you. Everyone still does...I miss the bobah runs that we used to go on...Peach Slush for you and Jess...going over your house to chill and break dance or just do the retarded things we did. Just the little things...the simple things...that are all gone now. I want to help you on your essays and get you that damn C, personally I thought should have been an A. I miss your funny remarks which were full of your smartass wit. It was hilarious how we grew up with eachother and began to build up our defenses whenever we would make fun of eachother...gosh I miss the good times we had...and although we have good times now...it isn't the same cuz you aren't there. But hey bro, hope you had a great birthday up there. And I shall see you soon. Take cares homie. Until we meet...peace.

Lingering Feelings *sigh*

From Kathie's LiveJournal:

"I was browsing Rosa's info on aim, and she built this link to her crazy sites and findings. And she posted a link to Johnson's Blogger. I haven't really spoken to Johnson since his b-day, but it's not we really talk anyway. I'm impressed with his journals, i think he writes well and is consistent. In terms of context, he follows his topic and he actually thinks about what he writes. I like the way he writes because there's a point to it, plus it's interesting."

Kathie Chung...my middle school crush...that lingered on until high school...and even after high school. My feelings for her just come and go. Come when I see her...but go when I don't. Although we hung around the same people in high school most of the time...even took pictures together and went to the Sadie Hawkins Dance 2000 together...we just didn't talk much. I mean yeah, she is my friend. A close one I might add, but when it comes to talking...it just doesn't work. Maybe it is because of my feelings towards her. She seems to talk a lot to Lorraine. They were best friends since Shively. I mean I don't know what to say to her. I wanted to get to know her, but we just didn't seem to talk much. Even now, I don't really know her...and when I read some entries in her Xanga, I am shocked that she feels the way she does. The quiet gurl who never cusses and hardly shows any emotion is a whole different person. But I never got to know that person, and that is who she really is.

So how could I like someone when I don't really know them? I don't know. Honestly, Kathie has an inncoent, adorable face. And her quiet personality really intrigued me. I don't know how many times I asked her to be with me. Probably 2 or 3 times. All rejections...and once she even called me crazy. LOL. I think I was her Steve Urkel and she was my Laura Winslow. I moved on with high school and then became a little girl crazy. Liking everyone and anyone that had long hair and boobs. LOL. Not really, but anyways, there was always just something lingering onto Kathie. I remember that for an essay in English 1 Honors with Ms. Sumrall, we had to write an essay on someone who has impacted your life and changed you or something of that sort, and I wrote my essay about Kathie. It probably was really gay, but it did get me an A-.

Sadie Hawkins 2000 was one of the best dances I been to. I don't remember taking a seat the whole night...it was just moving and dancing with Kathie. A whole different thing than our 8th grade dinner dance. I still remember that night..."Always and Forever" was playing, and it was no secret that I liked Kathie, but what I didn't know was that the whole damn grade knew about it. And I was feeling brave and I told myself "FUCK IT, JUST ASK HER TO DANCE." So that is what I did. Me in my white dress shirt and black slacks and dress shoes...Kathie was wearing this brown colored dress. She agreed to dance...probably cuz people told her to. When she finally accepted, everyone started cheering...and even the DJ who was my brothers' friend and he knew me because we chilled together at times said on the mic..."Go Johnson!" And it was embarassing to her...I was just surprised that I was dancing with her...so it didn't turn out to be such a good night, June 13, 1998. But Sadies was different. It was just a fun night...as friends.

Since 7th grade, I had always imagined going to prom with Kathie. Prom was the big thing as all the TV shows had depicted, the one night that everyone can't wait for, when regular people who wear jeans and shirts get all dressed up for that one occasion. And I had imagined that I would go with Kathie. Of course life goes on, and Junior Prom hits...I ask Lysa to go. A year passes by, and I go to prom with Lorraine. Didn't expect that to happen, but it was because Kathie liked Henry at the time, and she asked him...eventually they went together. As much as I wanted to ask her to go to prom with me, her decision was set...so I asked Lorraine. So all that imagining and dreaming about going to prom with Kathie...didn't happen. I still remember Lorraine telling me about a conversation Lysa, Lyly, and she was having while working on a school project together. About who would go to prom with who. My name came up, and Lorraine said, "I hope Johnson asks Kathie to the prom." And then Lyly said, "No, Johnson is going to prom with Lysa." (Since I went with her last year...) Didn't work out either way.

I remember talking with Jessica Requeno about anything and everything. The topic about lingering feelings came about. I was wondering if she ever liked Chris Ruiz and got the honest truth from her. Then she asked me about my feelings for Kathie. And she said something that seemed really cool. She said, "Wouldn't it be cute if you and Kathie got married?" I was like WTF? Where did that come from? And she said, "It would be cute because you liked her for all these years and to have it conclude like that would be perfect!" It would be cool for that to happen, but highly doubtful that it will...besides in order for something like that to happen, we need to talk and communicate first. LOL.

Dear Kathie,
I'm sorry that we don't talk much. I want to talk to you and get to know you, but I just don't know what to say to you. I mean it's like I want to get to know you and find things out about you, but I don't want to pry into your life. I think that maybe you know that I like you...but I don't want to make it seem that obvious. I want to talk to you more...get to know you and stuff. Change starts with someone making the first action...so I will be that person. I mean we have a good friendship, but good isn't cutting it. I'm sorry for not trying more. Thanks for enjoying my writing. I'm surprised that you acutally read what I have to say. Well, all I can say is talk to you later! Haha..=Þ

Brad Pitt is God...Worship Him!

Hank and my conversation...Girl talk, who is sexier!

l hank l: ready for troy!
l hank l: i wanna watch it
The OG Changster: watch it
l hank l: i think troy will be crazy
The OG Changster: i do too
l hank l: brad pitt is too sexy
The OG Changster: no....
l hank l: yes he is
The OG Changster: its all about orlando bloom
l hank l: you know it too
l hank l: oh man
The OG Changster: LOL
l hank l: orlando bloom
l hank l: has a boyish charm
l hank l: but brad pitt is ruggidly handsome
The OG Changster: what about eric bana?
l hank l: hesjust gay
The OG Changster: hahaha
The OG Changster: but he was the hulk
l hank l: man
l hank l: that says nothign!
l hank l: brad pitt is pretty buff too
l hank l: and his hair
l hank l: makes him look like a god
The OG Changster: makes you just want to worship him huh?
l hank l: want to? i already do
The OG Changster: omg
The OG Changster: LMFAO

***UPDATE***
I saw Troy...and Hank was right...Brad Pitt was good eye candy!!! *droolz* Errr...for the gurls I mean...

...

......

LOL....J/P, and Orlando Bloom played such a pussy, but of course he had to pick up a bow and arrow and revert back to his arrow shooting elf Legolas in The Lord of the Rings...haha gay...good movie though...Candy is in love with Eric Bana!

Dancing King???

I wish I knew how to dance...on Friday, a group of workers and me went Clubbin at Vertigos. It was all right, but I don't know how to dance, so I did not dance as much. I always feel weird when I am on the dance floor. I get self concious of myself because I don't know what to do up there. I look around and see everyone else, moving and dancing, and I try to do it, but for some reason my feet don't cooperate with me and I look more like I am trying to keep my balance and stay standing up more than it looks like I am dancing.

I guess you are just born with it. Who teaches you how to dance? I never learned. It was just move your arms and legs to the beat of the music. School dances were whatevers. You could just go out there and do whatever. Maybe it was because I knew everyone there. But now when I go clubbin or whatever, I feel stupid moving my arms and legs to the beat. I feel that I am doing it wrong. I know the clubbin scene is not for me. I just don't seem to fit in, but I go and make the best of it. I mean it is better than staying home and watching TV.

I am just in awe looking at how the gurls dance and to see the guys dance and to know taht I can't dance. I am rhythmless. Tracy, one of my co-workers, says that she doesn't know how to dance, but she seemed to do fine when she is dancing. It's cool and everything when I dance with her, because I don't know, for some reason, I don't feel as clumsy on the dance floor, but then again, I don't know what I am doing. Is dancing suppose to make you feel self-concious? Maybe that is the reason why a lot of people don't dance. I don't know, but Tracy was dancing really well, and then so were all my other co-workers. Phuc, Candy, Juliana, Sandy, Somavy, etc. It's depressing, but I go to be socialable. I need to learn how to dance.

I mean I know I can dance if everything was choreographed. Like in the high school talent show, when we did a big dance thing, that was easy for me. I could learn the moves and then perform and do the dance well, but when it comes to just dancing spontaneously, and not having any moves scripted, well that is a whole different story. *sigh* I'll say it again....I wish I knew how to dance.

Bestest Manager in the World:

Van Helsing was not as busy as I expected it to be...well at least the midnight showing wasn't that packed. Anyways, it led to an interesting night. Candy was off, and so it was only me and Juliana. She was the only one I could really talk to or at least chill with. I got about an hour overtime...hurray for that, and then after Juliana was off, we got tacos!! Oh yeah...I also saw Cindy. She went to see the midnight showing...although she pisses me off with all of her BS...I Miss Her Lots...I just find it really crappy how she is willing to diss me and Candy...her friends who have been there for her so long, whenever she meets a guy. I admit it I am angry at her...and all of her decisions that aren't always that bright...but despite everything...through our misunderstanding and arguments, she is still my friend...I am still hers. And that isn't going to change...Juliana made a good point..."It's who she is...she isn't going to change just like that."

So at Tacos Mexico, me and Juliana talked and got to know eachother a little more. It was really cool. She is one of those great people who you meet in your life and you know you don't want to lose. One of the reasons why I stay at Regal. I mean if she is able to stay there with Candy and put up with all the shyet she has to go through....then I can manage my mistreatment at Regal and at least stay there with her and Candy. I owe them that much. Anyways, we talked about our past and about the present and sometimes the future. About stuff that I normally don't talk about. It was a pretty deep conversation, at least for me.

I think one of the moments that stand out for me was when she asked me why I liked Lien. I told her the truth. It was her personality and she is pretty and stuff, but it was more like the movie atmosphere. And how things just fit. She talked about her past and then for no reason at all, I don't know why I said it, but I told her that basically she is my perfect girl. Or at least my perfect image of someone I am looking for. I made sure that I wasn't trying to hit on her. I realized it like a while ago. She knows what she wants, and is driven. Mean when she has to be...nice when she wants. She is able to make up her mind on most things, has a great smile...a good dresser...beautiful which is a plus, and a great personality...good attitude too. Someone to kick my ass into place whenever needed. There is more to it, but like yeah...everything that I am looking for. Juliana is just a friend though. But funny how she meets everything I want in a girl, yet I don't like her. Whatevers. My day will come.

Another thing is that I find her opinion very important. She judges people based on their looks. She likes to look at pretty people more than ugly ones...so I asked her if she thought I was ugly. Or not that good looking. She said "NO!" Hurray! She said I am not ugly. Haha...I told her to be honest and not let her knowing me get in the way, and she said, "Honestly, you aren't bad looking." Haha...so maybe now I will start believing that I am not Quasimoto. I'm pretty! Haha...so yeah...a good day for me. And I leave you with one of the things I will always be in my mind whenever I think of Jules. She is really funny as well, although she makes fun of me alot..grrr...but one day a customer ordered some kind of candy and said "She(referring to his g/f or wife) needs something to chew on." And Juliana who was right behind me whispered something that was only audible to my ears...she said, "Tell her to go chew on these nuts." And I just had a big smile on my face and after the customers left, I was left busting up! So I end this entry now with, "Go chew on these nuts!"

"Moral Fiber"

Today I saw The Girl Next Door about a pornstar that moves next door to a guy who can be best described as a loser and impacts his life and changes him for the better. I wish I could have a pronstar move next door and do the same. Except it wouldn't have to be a pornstar. Just someone that will impact my life. Make me take risks that I never would without that person there. Someone to wake me up from my boring life. Everything is so routine and conventional. I need some love in my life. I need my own "moral fiber."

I realized that maybe I did find my "moral fiber," but I was too much of a coward to do something about it and now I am kicking myself in the ass. My life was whatever back in high school. It just felt useless. I mean, sure, I was involved in a lot of clubs and I was a part of the theatre and music department, but I just didn't feel alive. Until I met someone like towards the end of my high school career. Ami Smith. She made my last month and a half at South El Monte better. Had so many fun times...I wanted to stay after school just so I could be with her. She changed me...changed my attitude. We got close...and at a party I revealed my feelings toward her. The thing was...she liked me too! We kissed. I went to visit her at summer school and even asked her to be with me. I got rejected because she was afraid. So I kept on visiting her throughout the year. Problem was...someone that I was cool with liked her too, so that kinda made me back off. And a whole lot of other drama. Well everything settled and I still visited. One of my friends told me to do something about my long time crush, but I was too scared. He pointed out that she likes me too because of the way she acts when she is around me. I didn't believe it, due to my low self-esteem. Well, now I regret not doing anything. Now I am on the sideline watching her with another guy. If only I acted and stopped being such a pussy, things would have been a lot different. Though some of it was her fault...but I should have done something. It's weird because now that she has a boyfriend, we talk even more now and have gotten closer. But I am not one to go behind someone's back and go after a taken girl. I am not that scanless. Besides, I know this guy, and he is cool. I missed my chance. So now all I can do is wait until things between them go bad, but I am not hoping for it to happen. Take life as it is...let things be, whatever happens...happens.

Been feeling seperated from everyone...it's like I have found a new life in my work. New friends, though I haven't opened up to anyone. It just feels weird how everyone has moved on with their lives. I feel that I stayed behind. Everyone seems to be progressing but I am still stuck. There are some great people at work. I like a lot of them. But there are none that are what J.T., Roy, Truong, J.V., or a David were to me. The Shively Six. I am closest to Candy now. And it seems that she is the only one that I talk to now. David has Chen, John La, Joi, Joanne, and other people...J.V. has his Cal Poly friends...Truong has badminton and UCLA...J.T. has Nina...and Roy, sadly, passed away too soon, but has a big group of people who loves him and a great sister who lives on despite all of the pressures. I feel I am slipping away from everyone...and haven't been able to open up to anyone new to have a cool close friendship. It seems that everything I do is useless. Just haven't been feeling peachy lately...*sigh*