~!~Wednesday May 28th, 2003~!~
Today was the talent show. I held her hand today! She went in my room. She saw kid pictures of me and I saw a couple of hers!

~!~May 23rd, 2003~!~
Candi "Giggleberri" Lai turns the big 1-9!!!

To my ever so sweet Giggleberri. Wussup foo!?!?!? Just wanted to tell ya Happy Birthday! Wow...so you're finally 19. It's all right though cuz I am still older, though you have more fun being the age you are. What can I say? We met in freshman year. We sang together and had Family Consumer Science together. Who would have guessed that we would be the tightest of friends and be family? You have been the coolest rockingest chick I ever met in SEM!! haha...well yeah, we have gone through so much together. Choir, high school, FBLA, CS, Talent Show, me taking your @$$ to work, me taking you home from work, Me picking you up from someone's house...the list goes on and on...mainly of me picking you up or taking you somewhere...haha...j/p, Now its me picking up someone for you!! Muahahaha...but yeah, you're worth it. I've known you since Freshman year, but it wasn't until Junior becoming Senior summer when we really started talking. And then Senior year, we were the cool duo of Cucumber Melonhead and Giggleberri!!! You have been a great friend to me. Been there to listen, and talk. I lovers you Giggleberri, can't imagine my life without ever knowing you! Too bad you didn't get the Director's Award...It was suppose to be you and me up on that plaque. You are one of a kind Candi, and you are and have become my sista!! Don't worry though, cuz you will always have your name engraved in my heart, and honestly, I think that is much better than some stupid plaque in his gayass room!!! Enjoy 19 and I lie you! *hugz*

~!~Two Words...Diana Vuong~!~
I have had a crush on her for about 2-3 years now. I remember seeing her for the first time at South El Monte HIgh School's registration, and thought that she was really cute. I was going to be a Junior and she was an incoming freshman...but even though she was a freshman, she carried herself with a lot of confidence, and was helping out. I was always afraid to tell her that I like her, and when I am around her, I say and do really stupid and retarded things...and that is how it starts.

Now I don't remember when or how exactly we began talking, but we did. I remember that she was the only freshman to make it to the Varsity team for badminton, and I remember talking to her after Tennis or when we had a bye because Glendora was not in our leauge in Tennis, but was in it for Badminton. Well, at the J.V. banquet at Applebee's Diana and I shared food. It was pretty normal, but the thing was I was hiding a crush on her. Afterwards, we went to the movies and went to see The Mummy Returns. I sat next to Annie, and Diana was sitting next to Annie. We had fun talking and not paying attention to the movie. It was kind of boring to us. It was a cool day.

After the school year ended, summer school was not that far ahead. I was going to be a Senior...and she was going to be a sophmore...We ended up having a class together. I was a Senior and I still haven't learned about sex...the class we had was Relationships...sex ed....haha...I learned about sex with Diana..haha...sounds funny, anyways..I remember how much fun that class was. I began talking to Diana more, and although we didn't sit together as much, I know that she sat next to me at least once...haha...we then began hitting eachother and saying "I Love You this much!!" and the amount of love was from the infliction of pain we would deal eachother. Now that I think about it...it probably was a "I LIKE YOU!!! OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE THAT!!!" But of course I am shy and stupid towards girls. So I just let it linger inside me. Summer school passed and the school year began. I didn't talk to her as much as I would have liked, but yeah, that is me...a loser. I was still discovering myself and started to be Mr. Active and Involved. Had a club meeting everyday. Only to soon realize that I missed my friends. So I'd hang with them, only to feel left out...so I started chilling with different crowds. The different people I hung out with probably scared Diana from ever approaching me. Once again badminton and boys tennis rolled around and that was probably the time when I talked to her most. Still nothing. I graduated from SEMHS, and moved on to college. She would become a Junior. I thought I would never go back to South El Monte for a long time. Boy, am I glad I did return. Fall 2002, didn't see or talk to her pretty much at all. Spring 2003 rolls along, see her a couple of times, but yet still dont admit to anything...until...Roy Ken Lee Badminton Tournament at Garden Grove High School. Diana was there. I was working at the snack bar while Diana was keeping track of the games and calling up people to get a clipboard and play their games. She then went to the snack bar and hung out with me. That was really cool, and it was there that Diana and me took our first picture together. Just me and her. After so long...well she would call me over and sit next to her at the tournament table, and I did...hehe...afterwards a group of us all went to Olive Garden to eat. Jenifer drove me and Diana. When we got there, Diana and me shared the meal once again, but this time it was also with Teddy and Jenifer. We finished eating and then it was the drive home. Diana was in the car sitting shotgun and I was in the back. Diana asked Jenifer if she should go to the prom this year. Jenifer told her if she wanted to, and I added in go if the guy will pay for everything!! Haha...I kept quiet in the back, but I really wanted her to ask me to prom.

One day after school at Fullerton, David wanted to go to South to get help from Miss Cobian, a former teacher of ours and a cool one might I add, on his English essay. On that day, Anh asked David if he wanted to go to prom with Shirley. He was telling her I can't. He has a g/f, and like they told him to ask her to let him go. They would only be going as friends. At that time, Diana's lil sister, Liz, asked Diana who she was going with, and then Diana grabbed my arm and said "Johnson." I was like huh? and she asked me to prom. "Wanna go?" Now this was perfect. I wanted her to ask me and she did! But being the stupid person I am when I am around her, I said, "I'll go if David goes." Knowing that he would not be able to go. She said, "Oh, so you'll only go if David goes? So you won't go because of me?" She knew that David wouldn't be able to go as well, so I was a no show if he wasn't going to be there. I felt like an @$$. I should have just said yes. So I was talking to Lupe, Anthony's lil sis, and asked her for Diana's number. I called her up and asked her if she was for real about going to prom. She said yeah, but she didn't know if she could. Turns out that her friend Anh asked her date's friend to go with Diana before she had asked me. I found out the next day that she wouldn't be my date for prom. That same day, Ling asked me to prom and I agreed to go. I went because I knew Diana would be going, even if it was not with me.

~!~Dun dun dun...Prom 2003 @ Coyote Hills Country Club 05/16/03~!~
This was a cool day. We went to TKT to take our prom pictures. Everything was normal, until I saw Diana. She was gorgeous. This was the first time I ever saw her dressed up. Then I saw her date...booo!!! Well, we went to go take pictures and it was me and my date. We took our couples, and my date, Ling, was taking her singles. Anh and Diana ran to the restroom. After they came out, Diana walked out and I saw her. We were looking at eachother and she opens her arms to give me a hug. I go in, and whisper in her ear..."You look very pretty." She said, "So do you." I gave a hahaha..and we were still hugging and she said, "We have to have a dance tonight." I simply replied "No Problem." Then we broke up the hug. Anthony, Linh, Bao, Shirley, John La, Lupe, Ling, and I got to prom first. We got tables and everything. Diana came in and darted towards me and asked me where I was sitting at. She placed her things right next to me. But later on, her date and his friend moved to the second table. Booo!!! Bastards!!! Haha...well it seemed like Diana was not having fun, and she wasn't. She did not enjoy her date at all, and it seemed like she was having more fun with me...whenever we could talk to eachother. We had seperate dates...well near the end, there were the last slow songs, and like Dan took Diana to dance, and I took Ling. I don't know how, but we played swap dancing partners throughout the whole slow song, and through Swap Dancing partners, I ended up with Diana!!! That was so cool! And we slow danced and had little talk. I just wanted to soak up the time I had dancing with her. This was the dance that me and her had to have tonight. But this is me, and you know something stupid is going to happen when I am with her. I don't know why I did this, but I guess in the spirit of swap dancing partners, I swapped Diana. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! I regretted doing that. Once I like passed her, I was thinking to myself...WHY DID I JUST DO THAT?!?!? *sigh* I tried to get her back on the next song, but Dan wouldn't pass her. Prom ended with our whole group forming a circle and swaying back and forth singing the final song, "A Moment Like This" by Kelly Clarkson. A group slow dance. When everyone was packing up and preparing to leave, Diana was missing. It's kinda weird how only I noticed. She was in the other room sitting down on a chair. I went to her and asked her what she was waiting for. She said "Time." I knew she had a bad time, and now she was feeling bad for not being a good date. So I told her, "I'll wait for Time with you..." And I stood by the window, and saw so many empty chairs around everywhere, and I was tired so I added, "I'll wait for Time with you on a chair." haha...and i got a chair and pulled up next to her and sat with her. This was a cool moment. Just me and her in that second room, sitting down, thinking reflecting, while everyone else was in the big room packing up and leaving. Someone asked where Diana was and then she and I walked to them. We then went to K-town to go karoke, nothing bout me and her there, and hence ended prom with Diana.

We all got our prom pictures and I saw her at South when I went to visit. She gave me all of her singles and none of her couples. I told her to write on the back. So I got it on another day with words on the back. She said some cool stuff, but sorry, for my eyes only. I wanted to go make reprints of my pictures and she decided to go with me. We went Monday, they were closed due to family matters. We palnned to go on Wednesday, but it is closed on Wednesday, so we finally ended up going on Friday. John La took us and he asked Diana for her prom pictures. She showed him, and he asked for her couple picture. She pulled them out with quite some aggression. I told her, "I didn't get a couple picture, and she said, "I'd give you one when I get a picture of you and tape you over him." haha...that made me feel pretty good, but I still didn't know if she liked me.

~!~Saturday May 24, 2003~!~
I woke up early to go to Badminton Practice. Diana told me to go, so I did. They had Ice Cream that day. It was MmMmMmm...Good GOOD!! After we went to TKT to pick up our pictures/reprints. Diana asked me to go to the movies and I agreed. So I took Diana home so she could get clothes and stuff, then took Anh home so they both could get ready. Anh didn't have the keys to her house so we had to go to her brother's(Dan) workplace to get the other key. Took her there and then home again only to have Anh's dad and sister(Linh) to be home. They invited me for a drink, and then I ended up staying at their house for like the rest of the afternoon. The movies was cancelled and I spent a whole day at Dan, Anh, and Linh's house. I even ate dinner with their family. Scary!!!! But it was cool. The main thing was that I got to spend practically my whole day wit Diana.

~!~The Revealing...05/25/03~!~
Since yesterday we didn't go to the movies, we went today. Anthony wanted a Taboo rematch because after Ling and I beat him and his team after prom. He told me to call everyone for a Taboo rematch and to go to the movies. So we went to movies first and I had to pick up Diana, Linh, and Anh. Henry was at Ant's house, and Rosa drove down from Riverside to chill, and Ling drove to Ant's as well. After picking up my people, we went to Banana Bay to eat because everyone in Ant's car was hungry. Then it was off to the movies..AMC 20 @ Puente. We got our movie to Bruce Almighty. We went to Game Works to play air hockey. Anthony and Anh beat Rosa and me. Anthony and Anh beat Henry and Linh. Linh and I beat Ant and Anh. Diana took over for me and her and Linh beat Ling and Anh. Henry and Rosa beat Diana and Linh. Then we went to sit at the movies. I sat next to Diana at the movie theatre. We talked and stuff. She said that Henry scared her cuz he seemed like a gangster. She said Ant was a jackass because he was a lot meaner back in the day. And then she stopped. So I asked her what she thought about me. She got quiet and refused to answer the question. The movie started. It was pretty good. I liked it. Anyways, after the movies we went to Ant's house and then his uncle's house to go play Taboo. The teams were Ling, Anh, Diana, and Me against Anthony, Rosa, Henry, and Linh. We slaughtered them. We played Charades as well and beat them at that too!!! The day finally ended so I had to take people home. I took Anh and Linh home and then Diana was left. During the car ride to her house, I brought up the question that she never answered. She tried avoiding it and then she came back with, "What did you think about me?" Then we got into this whole "I asked your first," "I asked you second" ordeal. I was driving all slow and even pulled over and shut off my engine, but then I drove her to her house and pulled over outside of her house. She finally told me what she thought about me. She said that I am cool , and nice, and that she likes me. Then it was my turn. I told her that when I first saw her that she was cute and that I would like to get to know her more and that I like her. And from then on we had about an hour and half to two hour talk about stuff. Us, past, present, etc. I then had to go to the restroom, and my stupid bladder killed the moment, yet another stupid thing that I did...stupid weak bladder...haha...and that ended the reavealing....

Talked on the phone the next day, and then she had school yesterday plus a badminton game all the way up in Colton. She told me not to drive up there because it was so far. I would have done it, but then Anthony wanted to go see it, so he drove me and Thao and Johnny up there. Saw her, hung out with her, and then we went to Sunday Cafe and ate. Dropped her off and went to Ant's to scrim in CS...she called me up at 11 but i was playing CS. I would have talked to her and wanted to talk to her, but she said she was tired so we hung up and I guess I talk to her today! That ends that...

!~May 16th, 2003~!~
Happy 19th Birthday Roy Ken Lee
Roy, we have known eachother for about 13-14 years of our lives...seems pretty long, but then it also feels like it just went by in a second huh? It all began when you walked into that Kindergarden class and met John Voong and me. We instantly became friends, but though it wasn't until 7th grade when we truly began talking and created our strong bond as best friends. Our bond as more than just friends...we became brothers. It is really hard to deal with you not being here. You have always been there for me and now I am trying to do the same. We almost getting to 21, and when we do we heading to Vegas remember? Thanks for being the best friend that a guy could ever ask for. Thanks for just being you, and by just doing that you have affected and touched so many people. Made their lives a little bit better, just by meeting you, having you in their lives...I know you made mine better...helped me though my problems...made me a better person. You have been my best friend...wait...scratch that...you are my best friend, and nothing will ever change that. I've lost a brother, but I have gained a sister as well. Thao is really great and cool. I still miss you man...it is never easy to lose a family member, and this is not easy for me or anyone of us. Just give me a sign that "everything wil be all right!" Love ya bro!

Wow...so much to update on. So much has happened.

I finally went to visit Roy. It was on his birthday May 16. After school, David dropped off me at home and then John La picked me up with Chen to go see him. Finally had sometime to talk to him and let him know how I've been. There was a planned picnic for him, but I couldn't stay. I had to get my things ready because even though it was his birthday, it was the day of the South El Monte High School Prom as well.

~!~Prom at Coyote Hills Country Club 05/16/03~!~
Prom was all right. I had fun, and honestly could say that this was the best prom that I went to. (I've been to two others prior to this one.) It was fun and felt good to just mess around and be carefree. I do feel kind of guilty for having fun, especially on the same day as Roy's Birthday, but it felt good to be able to just let go of every worry...we went karokeing afterwards, which wasn't as fun as other times, and finished the night with an hour long game of Taboo! My date, Ling, and I beat Anthony, his sister Lupe, and her date John La. Muahahahaha...too good for you guys!!!

~!~Wango TANGO at Pasadena Rose Bowl 05/17/03~!~
After the long night of Taboo that ended at 4:00AM, I woke up at 8:00AM to go to Wango Tango!!! We all met up at David's house. We being Thao, Jessica, John La, Chen, John Voong, Kathy, Candi, Hsin, Teddy, Truong, Joi, Diana, Jenny, her friend, Nina, David, and Joanne. After lagging and waiting for people to fianlly arrive, we left to Del Taco and went on a breakfast burrito run. MmMmmmm....Good GOOD!!! Then it was off to Wango Tango!! We got there at around 10:30-11:00AM. It wasn't open, but then Wango Villiage was, so we went browsing and getting free stuff. We also saw performances at the small stage set up and we saw Lil Maxo, a lil kid with rapping skills, Lillix <3, and Wayne Wonder. It was cool. Lillix was really cool. Darnit...Jessica, Thao, and I almost got to take a picture with Lillix!!! They wanted to take a picture with us too, but then the stupid security was all like "gotta go..." Gay @$$es!!! We joked that it was because we were Asian...maybe it was no joke?!?! Hahaha...j/p. Lillix fans for life!!! Well after that, which really sucked, we went back to the car to drop off our cameras because it said no cameras on the ticket...but then everyone still had one which was GAY!!! And then we went to enter the Rose Bowl, but not after getting two T-shirts(Boost Mobile and SoBe...gave one to Jess) and some bottles of water. We finally were in! And saw a lot of performances. More than I wanted to, I will admit, but it was cool. The only crappy part was the sun! Got Damn it was freaking hot!!! And all of us ended up being a bit pinker when we left than when we came in. Some more than others...and some people even peeled! Awww..now that is the sign of a family...when we are all able to shed dead skin togeteher...I feel the love!!!! All the like good people were last at night..i.e. Nelly, Christina Aguilera, Craig David, JC Chasez... and some good ones were in the afternoon...i.e. Michelle Branch <3, Sugar Ray, O-Town...All and all it was a good day. Went to eat at Noodle World...Jess and Thao will never go there again. Haha...and that concluded Wango Tango 2003: The Ultimate Reality Show. Tango your Wango!!

I think that I need some time to myself...as hard as it may be to just be by myself and face everything on my own, I think it is best for me. Ever since everything has happened, everyone has been asking me to go out and do something, and I go out and do it. I guess it is just easier to be with other people...it gets your mind off of everything, but I think that is the thing that you do not want to do...get your mind off of things...get your mind off of Roy...I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions, and I don't know...things just aren't normal...I mean I know that I didn't spend that much time with Roy when he was here. We'd see eachother at occasional get togethers, and stuff, so life should be the same right? Wrong...it's the fact that he isn't here. The fact that I can't just walk to his house to pick up something or to go print out my report or anything. I can't just call him up and say "wussup" whenever I rarely did. No more talking about girls and bashing them on how they screwed us over and ripped our hearts out of our @$$(before Thao came along)...no more Magic Cards...no more just listening to car talk because I was never into that stuff...I took his presence for granted. I guess I just always assumed that he would be there..two blocks away. I am a bad friend. I mean he lived so close to me and yet I didn't attempt to see him. I don't know if I can even be considered one of his best friends...i guess the only thing that qualifies me is the fact that I have known him since Kindergarden. He called me a brother...but what kind of brother would be responsible for his passing? I barely pass for a friend...

I get so mad at myself, because I cannot do anything to help me cope with everything...I used to write poems whenever anything bugged me, but I can't even seem to do that. I can't draw, make a site, write a poem, write a story...nothing...I am even surprised I could even talk. I am still in disbelief. I remember the first day after, I didn't sleep, didn't eat, didn't even drink a sip of water. Everyone came down to my house, which never happened, and were worried about me. Wanting me to eat, sleep, drink something....I felt guilty...felt guilty to do any of those things...Why was I getting the attention when I made it? I didn't want it..I just wanted to be alone...But I never really got my chance to just deal with everything alone. There was always something to do, someplace to go...people to kick it with. I still feel guilty now, but I am able to do regular things like eat, and stuff. But the questions always run through my head, and mind...Why am I so lucky to take another bite to eat? Why do I get to drink water to survive? Why is it me who gets to breathe another breath of fresh air? But people worried about me..so to let them not worry about me, I did what they wanted. I was a dummy and they were my vantriliquist. Jump Johnson, I'd jump. Talk Johnson, I'd talk. Go out Johnson, I'd go out...Jump off the cliff Johnson, and I'd probably do that as well. Now I am facing this alone. It is hard and it hurts...but I feel that it is something that I just have to do. It may be another worthless attempt at healing, which it probably is because people say you have to talk about things in order for it to get better...i don't know how. I still wonder why it wasn't me? I was with him in the waters...How did I have enough power to make it to shore? What the fuck am I still here for? He is so much better than I am, yet I get to live in my life that I hate...while he doesn't get to live in the life he loved so much? I don't get it...Sucide has crossed the mind many times. I just don't do it because I seen how friends are about losing Roy...I don't want them to worry about me or grieve over me as well. That is why if they say jump, I'll jump so they don't have to worry about me. If I was able to smile and laugh while I was out with friends, I felt guilt...How could I have fun while he was gone...missing...not here with us? I assumed it was cuz I am a bad person, friend. I don't know how to feel anymore...I regret not going up and saying my last few word to him at the time befoer his funeral...i guess that is a regret I'll have to live with for the rest of my life...life...that is a funny thing...rest of my life...how sad....

There has been too much shyet running through my mind as of lately. I have tried to live my life after everything, and I found out, that everything is so worthless. I don't have the drive I used to have for school. I don't want to go to school anymore. This weekend has been full of breaking down. Saturday, we had a hot pot for TittyBallz, and then went to the mall. Titty, Thao, Jessica, and I worked on the special Mother's Day present for Roy's mom. After I went home, I felt like crap, and I had a major breakdown. On Sunday, I stayed home and didn't do anything. I had another major breakdown. And then Thao called me up to go to Jessica's house to present the Mother's Day present to Roy's mom. I was crying the whole way there...Everything is so messed up now. I don't know what to do...and now school isn't even interesting to me anymore...I didn't go today, and it is almost over and I don't feel like even finishing it...I dropped 3 clases all ready, and I only have 2 classes to work with...it doesn't matter...I want to open up to people, I wanted to open up to Thao, Jessica, Candy, Truong, Joanne, or anyone, but whenever I see them, I just can't mention anything. In my eyes, I still see them blaming me for everything. Everyone has told me it's no ones fault, but I know the truth. I was there...I know it was my fault...

Whoever knows me, knows that I have not let out that much of my feelings about everything. I just bottle it up and it is killing me to live life daily. I want to...believe me I do...but I just can't. I wanted to go to Rose Hills today...to finally talk with Roy. To let him know everything, but I didn't want to bother David. He went to school. Kaymi called me up today and asked if I wanted to go with her...I declined. What is wrong with me? I haven't visit Roy since the Funeral...since he was buried, and I have the chance to go and I want to, but I don't. I am the worst friend to everyone. I want to just stay at home and lock myself in my room. I hate my home, I hate myself, but I don't do that, cuz I have friends who care for me, and I don't want them to worry about me. So I just push aside everything and just go out. It's hard to stay home, becuase we plan so much stuff. I mean just this upcoming week, I have the talent show to go to, watch the matrix: reloaded, worry about the play, prom is on friday, so is Roy's b-day, and then wango tango on saturday. Then next week is my giggleberri's b-day and we going clubbing fo her..I can't get a break to myself. The fact is, I want to do all these things, and plus I have school to attend to. Life was hard as it was without eerything running in my mind..now life jsut seems unbearable..and useless...

I guess I hae to let some things out fo my system so I am creating a new Blogger...if anyone wants to read, go to www.missingroy.blogspot.com